Week 14 Wrapup Continued

Ballsacks 76, Bama Runts 67

How could I lose to both of these ridiculously pitiful squads?? To Sax, I hope you’ve been practicing your curls as we’re going to tip back a few this weekend.

Week 14 wrapups

Wow, not even one playoff spot on the line going into the last week of the season. That’s a new low for this league. (Other than the sexism, racism, homophobia, public drunkeness, etc)

Nads 102, Steel Curtain 91 (Matchup of the Week)

With absolutely nothing to gain by winning this matchup but a worse draft pick in 2011, somehow the Nads’s squad found inspiration and put up stud like numbers against the league’s highest scoring team. That $10 high score is about to buy me one cheek (or half a lapdance). To my 2010 keeper Favre: RIP.

Hoof Hearted 100, Horn Supremacy 85

What an impressive season for Hoof… Grantville Bandits were the only squad to top this juggernaut. After digging through the fantasy football archives, this is the winningest season on record as no team has ever run the table (don’t even get me started on the Pats in ’07). Vic hasn’t won the regular season since 2001, and like in real life, is a superbowl virgin. To Vic’s cherry: RIP.

Kolb 68, Duke Plays Football 45

Due to the Nads drubbing of the Steel Curtain, DPF snuck in the 3 hole with an embarrassing 45 point performance. (Almost as embarrassing as DPF’s 44 point performance loss to me in week 4.) DPF has got to be seriously depressed after posting both the 2^nd and 3^rd worst weekly totals all season. I suggest he forfeit his playoff spot to the next in line worthy opponent… no? oh well, worth a shot. This matchup will be replayed this week as Kolb had already all but secured the 1^st loser (runnerup) award. To all lawyers in the league that are not named George: screw you, I’m going home

Oedipus Rex 72, Grantville Bandits 65

This was the “SACKO BOWL” of our league. And although ORR put a ‘W’ on the board, the point deficient was just too great. I’ve just FedExed to ORR an exact replica mold of my scrotum to be proudly displayed on your mantle. I also just have to laugh when I see that SF put up 40 points last week, yet Michael Crabtree, the supposed “messiah” coming into this year only managed 1 catch for 1 yard. Good riddens. To the Sacko: 1^st pick overall is overrated (call me)

Crimson Pride 81, Apples 56

Last year’s champ (Apples) rode Michael Vick into the sunset with a hell of a keeper next year. Meanwhile Patric stunningly was too worried about a 25 point buffer to risk starting a 2^nd WR in a meaningless game as they might fumble 13 times. I suspect the commissioner will perform an intensive investigation as to why TB/Arrelious Benn (139 yards) was benched. Or not… To Apples: should have quit when you were on top

Ballsacks 76, Bama Runts 67

How could I lose to both of these ridiculously pitiful squads?? To Sax, I hope you’ve been practicing your curls as we’re going to tip back a few this weekend.

Best of luck to all in the playoffs. Look forward to another 7-7, 5th place finish next year.

Week 13 Previews

Virginia Apples v. Ballsacks

Yahoo! Prediction: Apples by 15

This game could not matter less to the playoff picture - which is pretty amazing considering the Apples own the biggest surprise of this fantasy (or real life) season: Michael Vick. Even before Vick's monster performance against Houston, the Apples were projected to roll. Yahoo doesn't lie here.

ORR v. Horn Supremacy

Yahoo! Prediction: ORR by 6

Surprise, Surprise: we found a game that mattered less than Apples v. Sacks. In a matchup between two teams with a combined 7 wins, it's no surprise that the highest projected scorer is... umm.. Josh Freeman. Having kept Sidney Rice on his roster the entire season, the Horn Supremacy is looking to carry some good tidings into next season, which is all that they're playing for now. ORR wins, but won't cover.

Duke Plays Football v. Grantsville Bandits

Yahoo! Prediction: Duke by 4

These two teams are a mere 3 points apart, but are separated by mirror 8-4 and 4-8 records. With AP's health in question, and Grantsville carrying the MNF trump card with Deion Branch and LDT, look for a rare fortunate turn for the Bandits.

Nads v. Runts

Yahoo! Prediction: Nads by 2

Nads are in an absolute must-win situation - and who would have thought at the beginning of the season that someone's playoff chances will ride on the legs of Peyton Hillis, who has carried the runts the entire season. With Brandon Jacobs running against the Skins, and Hillis continue to churn out one great week after another, the Runts should deliver the death knell to the Nads' season in this contest.

Korn on the Kolb v. Steel Curtain

Yahoo! Prediction: Curtain by 5

Some misguided folks would label this the matchup of the season between the two best teams - they would be wrong - the best team in the league is 11-1, and both of these teams have lost at least 3 games. With Brady working against Rexy on MNF, expect the Curtain to chalk up loss no. 5 of the season, which is quite a few more than the best team in the league.

Hoof Hearted v. Crimson Pride

Yahoo! Prediction: Pride by 3

Next Man Up must be the theme of the season this point forward for Hoof Hearted. Having rode the legs of Frank Gore and Ray Rice to this point of the season, LaGarrett Blount must step up into the void vacated by Gore. Blount's performance last week lacked punch, and if that continues, the Hoofers will have to wait one more week before clinching the regular season title.

Week 12 Wraps

(1) Steel Curtain defeated Grantville -- It looked like this would be a close one until Dwayne Bowe decided it was time to "bowe it up" yet again. I feel bad for any team that runs into what many consider to be the best team in the league. If you put up 99 in this league and lose by 30, that's just tough luck.

(2) Kolb defeated Nads -- Some might argue Kolb is the best team in this league, and a solid argument could be made. Another strong effort, even with A-Hole Rivers not producing much. But it's hard to win a week when your 3 wide receivers earn a total of 5.3 points.

(3) Hoof Hearted defeated Ballsacks -- Now on to the luckiest team in the league. Gore gets injured, but only after he barely gets enough points to eek out a win. If Ballsacks plays Devin Hester instead of a crappy RB, he wins. Hoof has won matchups this season with totals of 73, 82, 79, and 67. He also won this week with the 10th highest score in a 12-team league. Can you tell I'm bitter?

(4) Duke over Horn -- Another remarkably lucky team, Duke kept itself in the top of the playoff hunt with an astounding 77 points. The bad news for the Horn is that it put its optimal team on the field and could only muster 70 points.

(5) Apples over Runts -- Though the Apples are on the outside looking in, they dropped an impressive 107 on the Runts. While the Apples are 4th in points, they still need a lot of help to find their way into the playoffs. For the Runts, time to look ahead to 2012.

(6) Crimson over Oedipus -- The one thing that really sticks out to me from this match-up is that Yahoo somehow projected Keiland Williams to get 17.20 points. Keiland freaking Williams! What? Alas, he only got 2.60 points and Oedipus could not take advantage of a bad night from Peyton.