Week 6 Regrets, Recaps

It is with great regret that I must admit to the league that I made a terrible error in judgment. After securing a victory during the Sunday afternoon games, I checked to ensure that I was comfortably ahead of what I assumed would be the lowest-scoring winners. Alas, I only recently discovered that I had recaps duty. I apologize to my family, my friends, my constituents, and all who I have let down. I now set my work aside to focus on detailed recaps and other tragedies from my past.

Purple Jebus over Crimson Pride 60 - 45

This game defined the week that was in non-fantasy (aka "American") football. Like the Giants, Cowboys, and Redskins, Crimson Pride was established as one of the "elite" teams in the league. Still, a weird week can make paupers into princes and vice-versa. This game featured several enticing matchups for Crimson Pride fans. Favre against the Bengals, Adrian Peterson against the Lions, and Reggie Bush against the Raiders. Fortunately Reggie Bush came through, unfortunately for the Pride, he couldn't push the rest of the team in for the win like he pushed Matt Leinart into the endzone in Notre Dame stadium. Also, he took money illegally from boosters and by rights, Brady Quinn should have a national championship trophy instead of a mini-fridge filled with Myoplex.

















Coastals over Dawn 70 - 62

First of all, congrats to Mark for having a score that could have won some other games. I'm sure when he woke up on Sunday and saw DeAngelo Williams, Tim Hightower, and Deuce McAllister staring him down from across the field, he thought he might have a shot at this one. Sadly for him, Drew Brees is going to be the MVP of the league and he showed it Sunday with a brutal performance that even outscored Mark's kicker... which was actually not easy to do. Sorry Akers, sorry Mark. I feel your pain. Last year I had a great team until I traded Drew Brees, Steven Jackson, and Chad Johnson for Peyton Manning and Ronnie Brown, only to have Brown's knee explode and Drew, Jax, and Ocho-cinco lead the other team to a regular season title. Drew Brees, what a dick.



Nads over Elmos 61 - 49

Hey! It's Braylon Edwards? Remember that guy? From the cover of your fantasy football magazine? Apparently he's still good at football. This is the game that launched a million tortured waiver decisions about whether to pick up Derek Anderson. Was it a total fluke, or is he a marginally pro-bowl caliber qb again? My biggest regret is not checking the score of this game to find out I had to write these wraps. My second biggest is not going to a bar where Michael Phelps was hanging out when I was in Michigan a few years ago. Wait, that isn't a regret at all. I hate that guy.
















Hoof over Curtain Icks 72 - 49

Marvin Harrison shot a guy in Philly, and he also apparently put a bullet in the Steel Curtain this week. Also, it appears Vic prefers a good matchup to a good player, because he started Aaron "I have no throwing shoulder but I can't sit a game out or everyone will know I'm not Brett Favre and take away my Vicodin prescriptions" Rodgers over Peyton "Cut That Meat" Manning. Regret for this game is the time in law school that Professor Barack Obama was teaching a class and I chose not to take it so I could take a class from a visiting professor on Foreign Relations law. That visiting professor: John Yoo. Surprisingly nice guy, and I knew him before he was famous, but he didn't get famous in quite the same way as Obama. More torture-y.



Ballsacks over Apples 89 - 32

I'm not a math guy, but there are 4 possible combinations of two players that Ballsacks could have started to win this game. When the other team can do that, you usually lose the game. If the Sacks had started Thomas Jones and Jamal Lewis and benched everyone else, they would be writing these recaps. Also, they would have our undying respect. Now they get neither, and have to hear about a loosely related tragedy from my past. Once I was a big time NFL running back and I inexplicably decided to buy five kilos of cocaine. Then I went to jail. How crazy is that?



Breach Kid over Lights Out 84 - 75

These guys probably watched the Cowboys game, and if Terrell Owens managed to not be the lowest-scoring representative of his team in this game, Lights Out might have won. Alas, football is fickle and a game of inches and on any given Sunday etc. etc. Whatever, this was a great game with little to criticize. Even Anthony Fasano got into the mix (arguably), and that is good because he went to Notre Dame, and I've sort of lost steam on this recaps. Actually, it happened when I was talking about Michael Phelps. So my personal tragedy or regret is that I totally mailed this one in. Someone please beat me next week, or at least win with fewer points.

Week 6 Previews - Wolverine Style -- Shnickety Shnack

As most of the games this week will be played on October 12^th, let us compare this weeks match ups to movies starring the 2^nd greatest Australian thespian of our time: Hugh Jackman, who was born on that day.

happyvalleycoastals vs. Dawn of a New Day – “Flushed Away”

In “Flushed Away”, Jackman lends his voice to a rat who thinks he’s big shit until he gets sent down the sewer into a hidden rat city that sucks, kinda like Happy Valley. Here he must persevere to get back to his former lavish lifestyle by fighting Toads and Frogs (McNabb and Moss?), but in the end figures out that he’s happier in Happ…er…rat city. So at the end of day, the rat wins but he’s still stuck in a shithole.

Hvc > DoaND, 63-56

Hoof Hearted vs. Steel Curtain IX – “The Fountain”

Spanning over one thousand years, and three parallel stories where all three main characters are played by Jackman, The Fountain is a story of love, death, spirituality, and the fragility of our existence in this world. In the movie, Jackman’s character is having trouble getting over the death of his beloved Thomasina Brady. In parallel, he’s also a conquistador back in the day trying to find the fountain of youth and in the future he’s some tripped out space traveler stuck in a bubble with a tree. Either way, he can’t get over the fact that something he loves is gone. Maybe playing against a Sammy Morris/Justin Fargas backfield will help him get by.

SC-IX > HH, 68-45

Save Me Purple Jebus vs. Crimson Pride – “Happy Feet”

Forget that this movie is about Penguins singing and the ultimate banning of fishing in the Antarctic region. If we concentrate on Jackman’s part alone,

he plays Memphis, the father of protagonist Mumble. Memphis one day dropped Mumble’s egg causing him to not be able to sing like the rest of the penguins. This made Mumble into an outcast that nobody liked, so he had to resort to writing unfunny comments/previews in his fantasy football league and talking smack about his first-place team after 5 weeks into a 16 week season.

CP > SMPJ, 75-65

ballsacks vs. Big Apples – “Kate and Leopold”

Jackman plays Leopold who comes to current day New York from the 1800’s through a time gap in a wall. At first, he is confused by his new surroundings but soon he falls in love with Meg Ryan (much to the chagrin of Tom Hanks) and all is well. What I’m trying to say is that everyone makes a crappy movie much like every Fantasy week brings us a crappy matchup.

bs > BA, 60-48

Breach Kid vs. LightsOut – “Van Helsing”

Forget the storyline all together; this movie had all the makings of a hit—Jackman as the hero, Kate Beckinsale in leather tights and with Transylvanian accent, and other hot vampire women wearing next to nothing. Turns out, the movie, while it did well in returns, sucked ass. Basically, this is a case of not meeting expectations. In fantasy football, there are only very few expectations: have your roster ready and write-up either wrap-ups or previews. This week LightsOut = FAIL.

BK > LO, 71-60

Tackle Me Elmo vs. Nads of Steel – “Swordfish”

One of the better movies in Hugh’s repertoire, Swordfish is a story about a renegade group that taps Jackman’s character, the greatest hacker in the world, to break into a system where a bank loads a crap load of money. Jackman’s character is basically a tool, but John Travolta is a certifiable badass—when you think you’ve got him all figured out and down for the count, he puts up the weekly high score and is asked to write the previews.

TME > NoS, 80-65