Week 3 Wrap-ups

With all this turmoil with politics festering the air, we’ll take a step back in this week’s wrap-ups to commemorate the greatest American that has ever lived: Jack Bauer. Now, to put the real-life situations that Jack faces in comparison to this sport of football, all points will be translated to terrorist kills.



Breach Kid – Dawn of a New Day
Before this week’s matchups began, Jack was in a little trouble figuring out which team he would pull for. On one side, Dawn of a New Day, is a model of Jack’s life. Kim still isn’t sure how she feels about her dad, someone in the White House is corrupt, and Jack’s lover just got kidnapped. A hypothetical “New Day” would be a breath of fresh air. On the other side is good explination of what Jack is: a human breaching charge. Kickin’ in doors and cappin’ anyone that looks at him the wrong way. Logically, since Jack is a killing machine, there really was only one choice: Breach Kid. As far as football, there was a lot of under-production in this matchup. But, it’s all about letting your stars shine. The Cowboy Combo once again put up enough points to carry the team to victory. Jack also wants to add that it doesn’t matter if you kill a man with your bare hands or with a gat, he’s gunna be dead.

Breach Kid: 41 Hungarians and 6 fingers removed by Jack
Dawn of a New Day: 36 male jihads and 1 female suicide bomber

happyvalleycoastals – Save Me Purple Jebus
This was a matchup that called for some tears to be shed. Jack knows all about sheding some tears. Yes, even real men cry. And if Jack isn’t a real man, I don’t want to know who is. Jack was glad to see that real victory in fantasy football is just like real life: it takes sacrifice. Jack sacrificed his freedom to go to a Chinese prison for the security of the American Nation. Like our great nation, happyvalleycoastals came away with a positive, although almost every player’s real team took a loss. Not to mention that his star running back Westbrook left the game with a questionable injury. But, it’s for the nation’s glory. Even the Save Me Purple Jebus took a blow with Roethlisberger putting up negative points.

happyvalleycoastals: a comfortable 69 neo-nazis, and 1 ear for good measure
Save Me Purple Jebus: 36 columbian drug cartel drones and a 1 little boy who’s airgun didn’t have an orange tip

Nads of Steel – Hoof Hearted
As much as you’d think that Jack would immediately state his side with Nads of Steel, remember that Jack is a human being and he did father that beautiful Kim Bauer. So, we know the nads are real. And Jack has a lighter side, which is why Jack seemed to favor Hoof Hearted in this situation. It is rumored that Jack has in fact cracked a laugh or two, although it was while he was reloading his glock to kill more perps that just ran right into a makeshift trap he just made with nothing more than a few sticks and his shoelaces. All this being said, Jack did have trouble not shooting Houshmandzadeh. Let’s just get this straight, Jack’s met a lot of people with similar last names that tried to rape his daughter. Nothing personal to Housh, it’s just how it’s been for Jack.

Hoof Hearted: 73 Crips that called Jack a “fake ass gansta”
Nads of Steel: 53 wives that tried to manipulate their husbands for their position in critical national security roles

Steel Curtain IX – BigApples
Yet another easy one for Jack. Steel Curtain? Now you’re starting to remind Jack of the Soviet Union. Which only means a threat to America. BigApples…hmmm…well, heck, Jack can think of anything that associated with apples and it’s sure to be better than some soviets. BigApples reminded Jack of the good old days when it use to be him, Terri and Kim. The 3 of them could handle anything. Well, almost anything. BA got 3 big performances from Palmer (…he is the president), Addai and Jones-Drew. But, above all, this week’s WAAAMBULANCE award goes to the Steel Curtain. Benching Ronnie Brown and McClain was the downfall. Like Jack knows, you gotta play the right people at the right time. Jack knows he’s always the right person to play, but he needs the right people in office and on his tech team to get the job done. It’s a valuable lesson.

BigApples: 60 Soviets and 60 smashed bottles of vodka (not sure about the conversion rate of the worth of vodka to people in the soviet union)
Steel Curtain IX: 44 corrupt CTU agents

Tackle Me Elmo – LightsOut
This just must be Jack’s week. “Lights Out”: the perfect conclusion for a Jack Bauer mission. If TO actually had a normal game, this would have been the week’s overall point leader. But, it was not meant to be. However, Jack will give up a golfer’s clap for all but 2 players hitting double digits. Impressive. Not as impressive as saving a nation from a nuclear threat, but, solid. Elmo, there’s also a valuable lesson in here for you too. Never rely on one man, LT, to carry your team to victory…unless that man is Jack Bauer. Simple, yet concise, theme.

LightsOut: 84 varied crooks and thieves and Ellen DeGeneres (she’s half a man, right?)
Tackle Me Elmo: 38 passengers with bags of luggage that “ticked”


Crimson Pride – ballsacks
Jack must have relapsed on some coke for this matchup. Crimson Pride almost doubled up the ballsacks (and Jack says that in the least gay way possible; and if you don’t believe him, better watch your back). Looks like Brett Favre hasn’t lost his touch. People said the same thing about Jack, and we all know how that turns out. Behind Turner, Favre and the Bush, an easy win.

Crimson Pride: 93 Chinese kung-fu ninjas and one zheng player (collateral)
ballsacks: 48 Frenchies (they didn’t put up much of a fight)


That's it for now. Keep it clean, boys.

Week 2 Wrap-Ups

Eventually we are going to run out of themes and the lowest-scoring winner will face a choice between a waiver demotion and a Tuesday filled with furious wikipedia research in order to compare each game to episodes of "The Fall Guy" or to Governors General of India and Pakistan between 1947 and 1958 (hint: you want to be Muhammad Ali Jinnah). Say what you will about the Sports Guy, we've all collectively ripped off every single one of his gimmicks. Movie quotes? Check. Gambling lines? Check. A post that is just a thin excuse for youtube clips? Check. Maybe I'll have my girlfriend write a sidebar post? How about a running diary? It is only a matter of time until Vic does a podcast that lasts three hours and is focused entirely on creating a power rankings for seasons of The Wire. Maybe he'll invite Cousin Sal and Dooz. I think one of those might be a dog.

Without further ado, I will spin the cultural reference wheel... and the framework into which I will shoehorn these recaps is...

Star Wars movies.

Game/Episode 1 The Phantom Menace

Purple Jebus 41 Big Apples 28

Like the movie, these teams had high expectations. Joseph Addai and Steven Jackson seemed like bankable stars, remember? It was like three weeks ago. Now they look like Ewan McGregor and Liam Neeson... you don't mind seeing them in a film, but they don't seem to deserve top billing. The only real excitement in the movie was an over-hyped pod race, which was supposed to showcase revolutionary special effects, but actually was boring and hard to follow. This game had a similarly disappointing climax. The two teams were essentially tied going into the Sunday night game when Big Ben and Jeff Reed would face off. Like I said, not too exciting. Anyway, Big Ben outscored his kicker in a game made infinitely more boring by incredibly windy conditions. At least Santonio Holmes wasn't involved. The only embarrassing picture of him I know of is in the full-frontal category. Let's just say if football doesn't work out and Santonio decides to take up baseball, he will save money by not having to buy a bat.


Game/Episode 2 Attack of the Clones

HVC 92 Hoof Hearted 27

Some people say that the Star Wars Prequels are a little racist. That is probably only because they watched them and aren't completely retarded. Yes, Jar Jar is a disgrace, but my personal pet peeve is the evil "Trade Federation." Weird, they talk like stereotypical Asians... and happen to be into sneak attacks and driven only by greed. Anyway, long story short, these Asians (wait... I mean "aliens") started something with the Republic and then ended up facing the full wrath of the Jedi and their clone army. In this game Harrison is Yoda and he and his clones dropped in on Vic's pathetic little Asian robot team. I always thought this scene would have been better if Yoda was playing "Ride of the Valkyries" from the little ships a la Apocalypse Now. Long story short: Vic lost. Bad.


Game/Episode 3 Revenge of the Sith

Nads of Steel 63 Crimson Pride 63 (but a smaller 63)

Like the movies, this was the last review I wrote. At the time, it was the only game in doubt and Jason Witten needed 4 points give his team a victory. Watching a Monday Night game needing production from a Tight End is torture.* Unlike a running back, a TE gets very few looks. Too bad we don't give points for blocking. Anyways, Eli Manning is clearly Anakin. He was supposed to be the chosen one (#1?), but due to some family issues he went off the rails, and demolished some defenseless kids (we'll call them "St. Louis Rams"). Also, he totally knocked up Natalie Portman.**

* 5 yards more and we'd have a miracle win for the Pride. Fantasy football is a game of inches. 180 inches.
**not actually true.


Game/Episode 4 A New Hope

Ballsacks 87 Dawn of a New Day 66

You might think Mark's team has a lot in common with this movie because both their names would be an appropriate motto for the Duke football team. Sadly for Duke and everyone who writes about Mark's team, the George Lucas intellectual property team is zealously protecting the shorter of the two. More sadly for Mark, the Sacks have Luke Skywalker at QB. Instead of a large concentration of midi-chlorians, Cutler has a diminished production of insulin. Last year we all witnessed the effects, including unexplained weight loss, lethargy, and (this one was pretty obvious) blurred vision. Now he sees clearly that Eddie Royal and Brandon Marshall are open, and he throws the ball to them. The only difference is that Jay Cutler's dad is a bigger weirdo than Luke's.



Game/Episode 5 The Empire Strikes Back

Breach Kid 80 Tackle Me Elmo 47

Like the plucky young rebels who bullseyed the womp rats in their T-16s back on Tatooine, Elmo has youngsters Calvin Johnson, Sidney Rice, Steve Slaten, Rashard Mendenhall, and Matt Ryan. These kids went into battle behind old jedi Obi-Wan Delhomme and the chosen one (#1?) LT. Sadly, the excitement of Sunday slowly gave way to the reality of Monday. Sure Elmo had the lead even without Andre Johnson (Iked), but their weird medal ceremony was rudely interrupted by a little thing we call Monday Night Football. Romo, Barber III, and Crayton landed on Hoth, crushed the pesky Elmos' snow speeders, cut off their hands, and ***spoiler alert*** tell them who is who's daddy.



Game/Episode 6 Return of the Jedi

Steel Curtain IX 90 Lights Out 65

Your quarterback and best wide receiver are injured, your season is over, and you are about to witness the firepower of this fully armed and operational Terrell Owens. But the feisty Steel Curtain "icks" isn't done yet. They've got some plucky Ewoks on a field in Denver and Ed Hochuli, the strongest Bothan Spy ever. With Ed's help the Denver wideouts Royal and Marshall get a bunch of points (deserved and undeserved) and it is Lights Out. Everyone celebrates and the Ewoks play the drums with the discarded helmets of the vanquished enemies. Normally that is 15 yards for excessive celebration, but... you know... Hochuli.







There it is, your week 2 in review, in case you have time for a way-too-long blog post but can't check out each score for yourself. After all, why process the information yourself when it can be done by a person who is, by definition, the most inept manager to win that week? Finally, this version of the Recaps would not be possible without the wisdom of nerds who sit in their parents' basement editing Wookiepedia.

Week 1 Wrap-Ups

Hey y'all, I'm the President, and I've been asked by one of my loyal supporters, Hoof Hearted (was that you Condi?), to recap some fantasy football games this weekend. I figure since I'm sitting around not doing much these days with our battle against the evildoers going superbly and the economy in tip-top shape, I can spend a few minutes telling you guys about what happened last weekend. You guys will have to forgive me a little, I'm not used to telling people what's going on based on ... umm... what do you call it? ... facts... normally, I just talk based on my gut, but today, I've been handed this here scoresheet, so i guess I'll have to start from there, and let's what i can pontifimicate ... gosh I love that word:

We'll start with the Ball Sacks - heh heh - in the White House, we call them Mangos, or for my Spanish friends, Los Mangos. Anyway, Los Mangos played Tackle Me Elmo in the opener for last year's champions. And it looked like Tackle Me Elmo tried to hang a banner that said "Mission Accomplished" to celebrate last season, and Los Mangos said No Way Jose! That's what I used to say to Jeb all the time when he tried to hit on Laura! Los Mangos needed a big game from Jay Cutler, and boy, did he get it. Cutler carvecated the Raiders defense and took down Tackle Me Elmo's banner. Lemme tell ya something, you gotta think twice before putting up banners like that - I know.

In Game 2, we have Breach Kid against Steel Curtain I.X. Okay, my first question is, what does I.X. mean? I have seen a lot of acronisms in my time in the White House, but I've never seen this one: I.X. But moving on to the game, you can just about move that X in the team name over Steel Curtain - that season was done about eight minutes in when Tom Brady was incapacimitated for the season. I love Breach Kid's team - it's got three starters from Dallas - but even I felt bad for Steel Curtain I.X. - putting that team into battle without Brady, that's like going hunting with Dick Cheney without armor - I wouldn't do it.

In Game 3, it's Lights Out Against Save Me Purple Jebus - I first want to point out to Save Me's owner that Jesus is spelled wrong. I think it's spelled J-e-s-u-s, I should know, he told me that I oughtta be President. I'm actually kind of surprised at the result of this game - Lights Out won, even though Jesus is in their opponent's name, and, their best player is Frank Gore. Now, as far as I know, the Gores are a bunch of losers... every single one of them... never met one I liked, and certainly, never met a winner among them.

In Game 4, Crimson Pride made its comeback into the league in a big way, and beat the holy heck out of Dawn of New Day. Now, I know something about come backs - I remember that one time, when I came back around the back of that German premier, or chancellor, or Lady President, or whatever, and grabbed her real good around the shoulders. Oooh... I got her real good! And I didn't even have Michael Turner, or my brother (of a different mother) by my side! Like me, Crimson Pride made their comeback in style!

In Game 5, and it's our closest game - this one was almost as close as Florida - Nads of Steel barely lost to Happy Valley Coastals. Nads needed Greg Jennings to have a big game on Monday Night Football - but, he fell just a little bit short. I hope Nads can learn their lesson, and not count on an average receiver to something extraordinary. I don't have no doubt that he will - I have learned that even our childrens do learn.

Finally, in our week's finale, Hoof Hearted cruised comfortably against a Big Apples team that rolled over like Saddam's army. This game reminded me a lot of when I ordered Saddam out of power. Hoof Hearted did not have all of their equipment in good shape - Peyton was rusty; Gates is still recovering from surgery - but they still outclassed Big Apples. And just like the Iraqis, the Big Apples had this Information Minister that kept on trying to convince everyone that they are just about to turn it around, if only there were't injuries. But hey, you go put Nate Burleson in the Iraqi army, let's see how much of a difference that would make!!

Well, that's all for now; I surely enjoyed this time. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to clear some brush.

The curse strikes again...

Sigh...

http://sports.yahoo.com/nfl/news;_ylt=AiMpFStK1KzTNhp9PZDovONDubYF?slug=ap-seahawks-burleson&prov=ap&type=lgns

Previews: Week 1

This week’s previews are brought to you by none other than the biggest celebrity on the planet, Barack Obama and his many quirky quotes. These previews reflect my audacity of hope.

Crimson Pride vs. Dawn of a New Day
“Change will not come if we wait for some other person or some other time.”
Nay. Change will come only when you leave a league behind and then abruptly return demanding a rescheduling of the originally planned draft date and a reworking of the draft format to suit your needs. One would think that after all the hullabaloo, the herald of this change would have drafted a fantasy football team similar to what you would imagine God’s to be. Instead, this harbinger of revolution was stuck with Adrian Peterson and “a compilation of average fantasy football players.” I suggest the autodraft list next year.

Yahoo Lines: Dawn of a New Day -1.88, O/U 138.26
Picks: DoaND, Over

Steel Curtain IX vs. Breach Kid
“It took a lot of blood, sweat and tears to get to where we are today, but we have just begun.”
For those of you non-Romans, that IX means 9—as in the 9th Steel Curtain team in existence. This actually made me sad and brought a tear to my eye because I realized that I’ve been playing fantasy football with you losers for 9 damn years. As far as the contest, all I have to say is Tom Brady vs. the Kansas City defense = Easy Money.

Yahoo Lines: Steel Curtain +4.89, O/U 135.01
Picks: Steel Curtain to win, Over

LightsOut vs. Save Me Purple Jebus
“Do we participate in a politics of cynicism or a politics of hope?”
Not to be too cynical, but Eduardo better do more than hope if he plans to keep this one close. Gore, Forte and White at RB is not the ideal starting trio for this league. Purple Jebus can take a vacation, George’s team won’t need a whole lot of saving this week.

Yahoo Lines: Save Me Purple Jebus -12.81, O/U 132.77
Picks: SMPJ win, LO cover, Under

Big Apples vs. Hoof Hearted
“If you're walking down the right path and you're willing to keep walking, eventually you'll make progress.”
As mentioned in the Draft Grades, if there’s one thing you can count on, it’s Chris drafting RB’s early and often. That hasn’t always worked out for Big Apples teams of the past, but as usual, you can’t look at this year’s team on paper and make a call one way or the other on whether it will be just good or great. Victor’s Hoof Hearted team, however, is a testament to why you should not draft players while taxing to the runway in Newark.

Yahoo Lines: Big Apples -4.34, O/U 138.84
Picks: BA, Under

happyvalleycoastals vs. Nads of Steel
“We need to internalize this idea of excellence. Not many folks spend a lot of time trying to be excellent.”
Some folks do, however, spend a lot of time saying how excellent they are. But, maybe, what Barack’s trying to say is that we should be excellent to one another. San Dimas High School football rules! New topic: 3 years ago, while a hurricane bore down on the city of New Orleans during the one and only live draft in the history of this league, one Nads of Steel owner sat and prayed—to the porcelain god. He prayed for the pain to leave his body and to return to successes of 2002 and 2003 where he won the whole shabangabang. No luck that year, but seeing as there was another hurricane headed towards the Big Easy, I thought it was be a good time to recall the Nad’s 4th round pick in New Orleans made from the hotel room toilet: “Oh gawd....Jason… Witten!” Excellent indeed!

Yahoo Lines: happyvalleycoastals -3.33, O/U 147.95
Picks: NoS (Upset Special), Under


Tackle Me Elmo vs. ballsacks
“The fact that my 15 minutes of fame has extended a little longer than 15 minutes is somewhat surprising to me and completely baffling to my wife.”
Thank you! Thank you! I’ll be here all season. And seeing as the ballsacks roster is empty, it makes this call easy. Well, wait, I looked at his roster. Still easy.

Yahoo Lines: Tackle Me Elmo -74.89, O/U 74.89
Picks: TME wins, ballsacks covers, Over

Draft Analysis: Team Grades

Grades- just like any good Duke (right) grading curve no matter how bad you drafted no one gets lower than a C.

Tackle Me Elmo: Drafting LT automatically gets 7 wins in a season. Drafting the way the Elmo did in rounds 2-14 keeps it there. Grade: B

Crimson Pride: Adrian Peterson aside, this teams starters are basically a compilation of average fantasy football players- no obvious dogs, but no one that will really go off- sadly in this league that puts you in the top 20 percentile. Grade B+

HappyvalleyCoastals: I hate to throw the term “perfect draft” around loosely but in this case its warranted. Sure you can look at the number two ranked QB, the number 3 ranked RB and 3 top 15 WRs and say to yourself “ my what a really strong draft” but what really had people double checking their draft sheets was picking up chris perry 4 days before it was even announced Rudi Johnson was going to be cut. Grade: A+

SteelCurtain: Brady is Brady, nuff said and with carnell Williams out on IR earnest graham becomes the man in Tampa, throw in a couple strong WR and you got yourself a pretty good little team. Grade A

Bigapples: there are a few rules that I have found to always hold true in life: 1) buy low, sell high, 2) When your ready to quit your usually closer than you think, 3) It's only gay if there's eye contact, and 4) chris will draft running backs for 4 out of his five first picks. Grade: B

Savemepurplejebus- fantasy experts keep preaching that Steven Jackson’s groin is fully recovered and he will return to his ff god-like form- what form is that- hes had one good year in the NFL but every year people expect him to be Hershel Walker. Let me tell you a little story, my cousin used to be a math whiz until he fell out of a pickup truck when he was 12 and hit his head on the curb. He couldn't count his fingers after that. Did they let him into MIT anyway? No. No, they did not. End of story. Grade: B

Nadsofsteel: Ive cut Jason a little slack in the grading here since it was obvious he was more concerned with the fact he was not drafting from New Orleans than actually fielding a competitive team. Grade C+

Breach kid: If Nathan was Jason’s son and not his brother I would have said that the apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree- although in New Hampshire ive heard of some family trees branching in instead of out so my quote could still be apt. Grade: B-

Lightsout- you can tell a lot about a culture by their language. For example the Eskimos have 17 different words for the term snow. From Edwardo’s draft it can be seem that in Spanish there is no literal translation for ‘starting running back’. Grade: C

Ballsacks- if you get one of those green Styrofoam trays that grocery stores use to sell produce, and you cut a hole in the bottom, and put your testicles through the hole, and you walk around in the produce section going up to housewives asking "can you tell if these things are ripe?" you'll eventually get asked to leave the store. Grade C- (although owen daniels could have bumped this up to a C)

Dawnofanewday- I don’t know why but I like this team. At review 11 out of 12 we’ll leave it at that. Grade: A-

HoofHearted: At first this looked like a pretty solid draft but this weekend when I was checking out some teams from other leagues I notice a striking resemblance between this team and the one drafted by Adam Schimmel. Grade: B+/2

2008 Draft Analysis

The Draft Review Returns courtesy of our fearless commissioner - The Coastals (right)


Round 1
Steal: Clinton Portis (DawnofaNewDay) - its hard to get much of a steal or reach in the first round but as of late August I believe Clinton Portis went 3-5 picks later than he should have.

Reach: Jamal Lewis (ballsacks) - Scratch that last statement- the ballsacks should be grateful that there was no round zero saving him from taking this guy any earlier than he actually did.

Round 2
Steal: Drew Brees (happyvalleycoastals) - a lock for 35+ tds and 4000 yards. Look for Brees to surpass manning and Romo and become the number 2 fantasy QB by year end

Reach: Drew Brees (happyvalleycoastals) - probably could have taken this guy a round and half later than he did.

Round 3
Steal: Andre Johnson (TacklemeElmo) - not really a steal as you couldn’t have taken this guy any earlier than 3.01 but a good pick none the less

Reach: Willie Parker (nads of steel) - this aint your parents steelers.

Round 4
Steal: Brandon Marshall (Steel Curtain) - I'd me more worried about a NFL player without an arrest record- whats a guy like that up to?

Reach: Ricky Williams (Breach Kid) - you’ve smoked yourself retarded if your picking up ricky Williams in the forth

Mid Rounds (5-9)
Steal: Marvin Harrison (HoofHearted)

Reach: Rudi Johnson (lights out) best case scenario this guy becomes the back up Detroit running back.

Late Rounds (10-14)
Steal: Morris Morris (Bigapples) - the intangibles this guy brings to any fantasy team is worth a roster slot at any point in the draft

Reach: Limas Sweed (Crimson Pride) - the fact this guy stayed on the Prides roster as long as he did was the biggest surprise.