WrapUps Week 7: Jersey Shore edition

As some of you may know, I left for a 2 week vacation in China and Japan. When I got back in the States, pretty much the first thing I did was fire up my TiVo and watch the two episodes of Jersey Shore that I had missed during my vacation? Why? Well, if you need me to explain why Jersey Shore is awesome, you are probably not an American.

Horn Supremacy 90, Bama Runts 62
This battle of sub-.500 teams was like the Season 2 story line of when Angelina was going to leave the house. I kind of cared about it because, let's be honest, I fall hook, line and sinker for every JS story line, but after her season 1 flameout, Angelina was the least interesting character on this show - and this game was the least interesting matchup in week 7. Aside from the ridiculous Hakeem Nicks, there is not one single player in this matchup worth paying attention to, and not even a starting WR (Mike Thomas) racking up negative points could make this one interesting.

Crimson Pride 78, Grantsville Bandits 56
Heading into MNF, Crimson Pride needed about 4 points from the combination of Steve Smith and Felix Jones to secure a sloppy win in what had been a highly anticipated game between two 4-2 squads. The odds of that happening are about as good as the odds of the Situation finding a trashy girl at Tantra to take home within the first hour at the club. When Steve Smith hauled in the first non-Nicks TD from Manning, this contest, like the girl's dignity, was over and done.

Duke Plays Football 91, Oedipus Rex Ryan 81
The thought of having to write these wrap-ups to earn $10 was apparently so unappetizing to Duke Plays Football that Mark decided to pull Tony Romo with the win secure. I guess Romo's potential season-ending injury was the fantasy football deity's way of punishing Mark for shirking his duties. If Mark watched JS (highly doubtful), he would have known not to do this. The deities punished Pauly D for his lady-chasing ways by getting him that huge clinger at the end of season 1; and just like Pauly D got stuck with some "I love Jewish girls" shirts that he didn't want, Mark now has to deal with a lame QB.

Nads of Steel 91, Virginia Apples 74
Once upon a time, Eli Manning was known solely as Peyton's crappier little brother. Just like Vinny was once known as that other male character in the cast with the outlandish Situation, the hilarious Pauly D, and the unintentional physical comedy of Ronnie. But a ridiculous Super Bowl and some sustained success later, Eli is a fantasy stud in his own right. As for Vinny, porking Snooki and Angelina within a span of two days elevated him from the dorky sidekick to a compelling character in his own right. On MNF, Jason needed a few points from Eli to prevail. In prior years, that may have been worrisome - but not this season. On Monday night, Eli smushed Angelina.

Korn on the Kolb 90, Ballsacks 63
If you look at the two line-ups, this isn't even a fair contest. Ballsacks actually trotted out a WR lineup of Brandon Tate, Devin Hester, and Nate Washington. You might as well trot out Sammi's insecurity against Ron-Ron's manipulativeness. No contest; no excitement.

Hoof Hearted 106, Steel Curtain 85
At the end of season two, both Pauly D and Vinny started to get into serious relationships with girls they met in Miami. As I'm watching it, I'm literally rubbing my eyes and thinking, "is this actually happening?" Oh yes, it is definitely happening. Watching Darren McFadden run this season? Well - it's sort of the same thing. Maybe it's the porous Denver Broncos defense, maybe it's the new commitment to Darren Mac as the feature back - whatever it is, Darren is running around and through people, as Vinny closes out season 2 with a romantic date with someone on about date no. 5.

Week 5 Recaps + Draft/Keeper Review

We are a little more than a third of the way through the season so in addition to the recaps, now is as good as time as any to take a look at the league and see where we are at.

Korn on the Kolb vs. Hoof Hearted

First of all, congratulations to Korn on the Kolb owners Jon Judkowitz on his nuptials this past weekend. Unfortunately, his team gifted him by scoring only 68 of a projected 90 points. Opponent Vic Zhao applied the double bitch-slap by a) not attending the wedding and b) having his fantasy team that a giant deuce all over this matchup. After a minor hiccup last week, the Hoof Hearted train gets back on the track and keeps rolling along.

1/3rd way awards - KOTK
Best Draft Pick - Phillip Rivers - Dude's been chucking the rock all over the place with steady scores to Gates and Floyd. Vincent who?
Best Keeper - Arian Foster - He's slowed down a bit since busting a nut on the Colts in week 1 but Foster has certainly been one of the surprise story lines of this season.
Worst Draft Pick - Devin Aromashadu - All the preseason hype has amounted to nothing
Worst Keeper - Jerome Harrison - After busting out for a crap load of yards at the end of last season, everyone thought he'd have the starter spot locked up. Ruh roh Rhaggy. Enter Peyton Hillis.

1/3rd way awards - HH
Best Draft Pick - Darren McFadden - To-date, this 7th round pick has put up great numbers as he's been the starter while Mike Bush has been out. However, it remains to be seen if he can keep up the production with his injury and Bush's return.
Best Keeper - Miles Austin - The guys just puts up solid number week after week even when discounted.
Worst Draft Pick - I'd like to give this to Marion Barber or Johnny Knox who haven't done much but then I saw the name Matt Leinart. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Worst Keeper - Brent Celek - Good keeper at the 13th spot, but he hasn't done much this season.


Nads of Steel XII vs Oedipus Rex Ryan

Other than Eli Manning and Michael Turner, the rest of the Nads squad decided to mail it in this week against the Mama's boys. Notably absent on the high scorer's club this week was Tight-end Dallas Clark who is usually good for a score or two. For Oedipus Rex Ryan (or as Rex Ryan would actually call it -- "Motherfucking Me"), Lesean McCoy and Stephen Jackson posted double figure scores while the rest of the squad just enough to, as Ryan would say, not fuck it up.

1/3rd way awards - NOS12

Best Draft Pick - Eli Manning in the 6th is pretty darn good looking right now
Best Keeper - Dallas Clark - Yeah so he didn't much this week but he's been lighting it up otherwise and Peyton loves to chuck the rock his way
Worst Draft Pick - Knowshon Moreno - officially used NameChangeExpress.com to change his name to NoShow Moreno (that's what you call a little shameless self promotion)
Worst Keeper - Michael Crabtree - Having a Meh season that he most certainly did not dream in his head.

1/3rd way awards - ORR

Best Draft Pick - Matt Ryan - The kid is good and it's scary to think how much better he could be with some more talent around him.
Best Keeper - Lesean McCoy - 7th round keeper is putting up first round numbers.
Worst Draft Pick - Marques Colston - O brother where art thou? 5 games in and 0 zero touchdowns for the Hofstra product.
Worst Keeper - Vishante Schiancoe - I'm not sure Vishante was worth a 9th round pick. His numbers this year aren't mindblowing.


Steel Curtain XI vs Duke Plays Football?

The Curtain fell this week even though #1 pick CJ2k had a monster day along with good showings by TO and Jason Witten. Dragging down the team was the sucktitude of Dwayne Bowe who last Sunday dropped more balls than clumsy homosexual, not that there's anything wrong with that, other than not scoring fantasy points. DPF had a well-balanced showing this week led by a Tony Romo / Ced Benson combination. Unforunately, they and St. Louis Rams (a team, much like Duke, that plays football, just not well) lost receiver Mark Clayton for the season.

1/3rd way awards - SC11

Best Draft Pick - Chris Johnson - Way to not eff up the first pick in the draft like the dude in my other league who picked Mojo Drew first.
Best Keeper - Mark Sanchez - Yes, he's been shaky some times, but he's been pretty solid this season and now he gets a new play toy in Santonio Holmes for the rest of the season.
Worst Draft Pick - Somewhere over Dwayne Bowe - Get this guy some stickum
Worst Keeper - Beanie Wells - Injuries have plagued Beanie this season and he just hasn't been able to deliver yet.

1/3rd way awards - DPF

Best Draft Pick - Tony Romo - His team's been playing like canine fecal matter, but Tony's been delivering solid
Best Keeper - Ced Benson - Solid when you need some fantasy points, dependable when you need to get your TV back
Worst Draft Pick - Robert Meachem - Finally got on the TD board this week but before that he's been invisible
Worst Keeper - Cadillac Williams - Speaking of invisible.....


The Virginia Apples vs. Grantville Bandits

The defending champs dropped a close one this week which is really sad for many reasons. 1. The Apples QB was Ryan Fitzpatrick 2. Fitzpatrick actually outdueled the reigning super bowl MVP who started for the opponents. 3. Said opponents, the Bandits of Grantville, got a total of 1.6 fantasy points out of its starting WR's and TE. 4. The Bandits also started two platoon running backs from the same team. So you may ask, how in the world did the Apples lose? Well, Bandits RB Matt Forte pulled a Forrest Gump and ran his ass off for a 30-spot. Fantasy Football is rough on you sometimes.

1/3rd way awards - VA

Best Draft Pick - Zach Miller - Top 5 TE this season in the 10th round. Bravo.
Best Keeper - Jeremy Maclin - Putting up big numbers in Philly
Worst Draft Pick - Hines Ward - I understand sticking up for your fellow Asian brotha but dude's getting old. Maybe the return of Ben Rapedhersister will provide some Cialis for his game
Worst Keeper - Steve Smith - so bad that he's not even on the team anymore

1/3rd way awards - GB

Best Draft Pick - Matt Forte - Sophomore slump last season caused many to shy away but Forte's back and is somehow thriving in a Mike Martz offense.
Best Keeper - Rashard Mendenhall - I'm sure everyone remembers the draft day eff up with this guy right? I bet GB is glad it all worked out ok.
Worst Draft Pick - Ryan Grant - Who are Injured Packers for $500, Alex?
Worst Keeper - Shonn Greene - He's got the tools to be a great back but he let a rejuvenated Tomlinson take his carries away

Crimson Pride vs. Bama Runts

I don't even know what to make of the name game here but if I got it right, the dude that went to Mississippi State but cheers for Bama put a beatdown on another team of Bama supporters? WTF? Sounds like incest to me. Looking at the matchups, looks like the Pride was led by Percy Harvin with Double Touchdowns (What does it mean?). "Good" Roy Williams had a surprise day for the Runts but it wasn't enough to climb Crimson mountain.

1/3rd way awards - CP

Best Draft Pick - Peyton Manning - The NFL's Energizer Bunny when it comes to fantasy points. He keeps going and going and going.....
Best Keeper - Vernon Davis - Solid production for a TE at the 12th spot
Worst Draft Pick - Tie - Golden Tate (10th) / Jimmy Clausen (11th) - HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...(deep breath)....HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Worst Keeper - Justin Forsett - Just hasn't been able to put it together up in Seattle

1/3rd way awards - BR

Best Draft Pick - Austin Collie - 12th rounder is putting up monster numbers in fantasy
Best Keeper - Joe Flacco - He was the only keeper
Worst Draft Pick - Brandon Jacobs in the 3rd. Ouch
Worst Keeper - Joe Flacco - He was the only keeper


The Horn Supremacy vs ballsacks

What can I say? Sometimes, you put that pretty nice lineup together, one player is held out at a game time decision, and you still are able to administer a 43-point smack to the crotch with a Shaun Hill led team. Go ahead, let that sink in.

1/3rd way awards - THS

Best Draft Pick - Malcolm Floyd - Putting up big big numbers in Vincent Jackson's absence. Keeper potential
Best Keeper - Hakeem Nicks - TD machine has Eli's confidence in the red zone
Worst Draft Pick - Pierre Thomas - Dude's on again, off again, game time status bullshit's been killing me all season
Worst Keeper - Sidney Rice - Who knows when he's coming back but I'm taking a hit on holding a roster spot based on next years keeper potential

1/3rd way awards - bs

Best Draft Pick - Kyle Orton - Jahvid Best is up there in the running, but good lord, Orton's been on fire.
Best Keeper - Desean Jackson - Gotta give it up to Jackson. Rodgers is a good keeper because he's putting up big points, but with Orton on the roster who needs it.
Worst Draft Pick - Vincent Jackson - Waste of a draft pick
Worst Keeper - Chester Taylor - Matt Forte says hi

Week 5 Previews

Virginia Apples (2-2) v. Grantville Bandits (2-2)

Line: Apples by 8

Prediction: Apples by 5

A pretty even matchup – I’ll go with the team with more home games and fewer players under 30.

Korn on the Kolb (3-1) v. Hoof Hearted (3-1)


Line: HH by 0.04

Prediction: Kolb by 15

Game of the Week. Yahoo gives a slight edge to HH but I’m not buying it. Kolb’s scored 20% more points than HH thus far. Having the #1, 2, and 4 top players in the league helps. While Kolb’s top three are due for a sharp fall, that probably won’t be this week as all three are healthy and have favorable matchups. In addition, MoJo’s going against the worst run D in the league and the other starters are good enough to contribute. As for Vic’s team, it’s got good projections on guys who basically overachieved last year but haven’t done much this year – Austin, Rice, Celek, et. al. I put less weight on last year’s numbers than Yahoo. All in all, this should be an easy win for the Kolb.

Nads of Steel XII (2-2) v. Oedipus Rex Ryan

Line: Nads by 2

Prediction: Nads by 2

Yahoo has very no respect for KC’s D and I agree. While I’d consider giving the edge to George if McCoy was healthy, he isn’t and I won’t.


Steel Curtain (2-2) v. Duke Plays Football?

Line: DPF by 11.5

Prediction: DPF by 15

The Curtain’s ship been taking on a lot of water of lately as Smith is on crutches, Brady lost his best receiver, and Johnson’s been facing 8 man fronts every week. Mark notches win #3 for the season, which sadly enough is three times greater than Duke’s win total. AIRBOURNE!!!

ballsacks (2-2) v. The Horn Supremacy (1-3)

Line: Horn by 5

Prediction: Horn by 10

The banged up Horn squad luck into a matchup with the sacks. Meh to Best’s and Winslow’s projections. Best has 3.5 YPC, has yet to have either 20 carries or 80 yards in a game, and is facing a tough run defense. The projections look too high for both teams but someone’s got to win, and the Horn’s should win by default.

Crimson Pride (2-2) v. Bama Runts (2-2)


Line: Runts by 1

Prediction: Pride by 3

The Runts so far have the best white fantasy football team in the league, with Collie and Hillis putting up numbers not seen since the leather helmet days. While normally this would mean a Blue Devils-level of failure, the Runts have so far managed a .500 record. Injuries to both leave the Runts outmanned against the Pride.

Week 4 Previews (2)

Nads of Steel (1-2) v. Duke Plays Football? (2-1)

Yahoo! Line: Nads by 6.5

When I looked up and saw that Vince Young was starting at QB, I assumed (correctly) that the real starting QB was on a bye. Duke needs a huge game from VY - considering AP is also on a bye this week. For some reason, I have a sneaking suspicion that VY will come through, and Louis Murphy, if healthy, could really exploit the Houston secondary that has been scored on more often than our favorite powerpoint author.

Korn on the Kolb (2-1) v. Oedipus Rex Ryan (1-2)

Yahoo! Line: Korn by 15

Despite drafting a disappointing Mojo to-date, Korn has been on fire this season, much unlike his namesake Kevin Kolb. Nevertheless, Mojo is a threat to break loose any day - and with Arian Foster looking more and more like an elite back every week, Korn should add another W to its belt this week.

Hoof Hearted (3-1) v. Grantsville Bandits (1-2)

Yahoo! Line: Hoof by 4

With Ray Rice being questionable and Miles Austin off, the Hoof is ripe for the picking. And after opening the season with Ryan Grant's tough injury, Grantsville is soaring, along with the stock of Matt Forte, LDT, and the always tough running Rashard Mendenhall. Point this is Grantsville's direction.

Week 4 Previews (1)

Ballsacks (2-1) v. Crimson Tide (1-2)

Yahoo! Line: Crimson Tide by 4

Although sporting a 2-1 record, the Ballsacks' running back situation looks as dicey as the future career prospects of a certain Duke powerpoint author. With Jahvid Best nursing an injury, and Willis McGahee's production depending on the prospects of Ray Rice - the Sacks better hope for a monster day from Aaron Rodgers. But with Ryan Matthews back in the lineup, look for the Tide to pull off a win to even its season.

Apples (1-2) v. Horn Supremacy (1-2)

Yahoo! Line: Apples by 5.5

With Pierre Thomas and Andre Johnson both looking at game-time decisions, the Horn Supremacy's season has taken a turn that mirrors that of its real life counterpart Horns. Although it has gotten out of the gate slower than last season, the Apples are picking up steam after the pickup of Mike Vick, and should continue their roll this week with a sizable win over the Supremacy.

Steel Curtain (2-1) v. Bama Runts (1-2)

Yahoo! Line: Runts by 4

If I told you at the beginning of the season that you would spend your 6th round pick on a guy that would get hurt for the season a day later, and then your projected high scorer in week 4 would be Peyton Hillis, you would probably think you'd be 0-3 and the laughing stock of the league. Good news for Bama is that they're 1-2 and will probably go to 2-2 unless Chris Johnson runs wilder on Broncos did our favorite Duke powerpoint author run on the lacrosse/baseball teams. That probably won't happen