First Round Playoff Previews

Consolation Bracket

There was a time when kids behaved or they got a whipping. A time when Little League had winners and losers. Today, we have Ritalin and child abuse is illegal. Everyone gets a trophy and no one keeps score. And we have a consolation bracket. Without further ado, crappy previews for meaningless games.

(1) Nads of Steel XI
(4) Ballsacks

Classic Favre v. Rodgers match-up. This game comes down to the Gunslinger vs. his replacement. This game comes down to the best rookie receiver from this year (Crabtree) against the best rookie receiver from last year (Desean Jackson). Or maybe it comes down to The Nads running game against the Sacks' receivers. Chances are Indy still doesn't care about running up the score and the wins total, but Andre Johnson can get 20 points blindfolded in St. Louis. So... Ballsacks in an upset but no one cares.

Yahoo
Nads 82 Sacks 75

George's Pick
Sacks 88 Nads 63



(2) Breach Kid
(3) Crimson Pride

Peyton Manning! Chris Johnson! Brandon Marshall! This team is totally stacked. Congrats on steering the franchise to six whole wins. I get it, both these teams are better than the top two seeds. But their combined wins equal the Apples' 12, whose highest scoring non-QB is Joseph Addai. Life is like that sometimes. Enjoy the game, should be a good one.

Yahoo
Breach 94 Crimson Pride 93

George's Lead Pipe Lock
Crimson wins 102 to 109 (get it? because Breach Kid always gets screwed)


Actual Meaningful Games

(1) Newport Beach Apples
(4) Hoof Hearted

Vic has never won this league, and since his team will be in the clubhouse by 3pm (save for an afternoon game by the kicker), he'll be gnawing through his nails working out scenarios whereby Shayne Graham takes a botched fg attempt backwards 70 yards before fumbling for a -9.0. Schaub and Steven Jackson will trade tds like heavyweight fighters trade punches and by Sunday night DeAngelo Williams will need 200 yards and 3 tds. The Allen-Williams-Williams-Edwards Defensive Line ("Shock and AWWE") will not let that happen. Prepare for another week of smug Zhaotbursts and mock Zhaotrage from the likely champion and commissioner.

Yahoo
Apples 98 HH 92

George's Shoe-In of the Week
HH 112 Apples 89


(2) Vicodins
(3) Elmos

This is exactly the matchup I didn't want. Partly because my team sucks, partly because the Cowboys will stop every Saints WR except Marques Colston. So, long story short, it was a fun season. Barring a snowstorm in Jacksonville Thursday night this game won't have much drama. Unlike most of the rest of the season, at least the best team will win.* Also, Vince Young in the Super Bowl.

*Unless Randy Moss gets really angry about all the "quitting" talk and busts out a 240 yard and 3 td game. Fingers crossed?

Yahoo
Elmos 95 Vicodins 82

George's Stone Cold Lock of the Week of the Century
Elmos 91 Vicodins 72

Wrap up (e14)

First off, I would like to address certain comments that were made during the draft concerning one of my wide receivers. His name: Brandon Marshall. I believe once I drafted him I got comments such as: "what are you smoking?" and "that is the worst draft pick of all time". Ok, maybe the last one wasn't said, but it wasn't far from being uttered. Now, here we are, and this "poor draft pick" currently holds the NFL all time single-game reception record. What was that ya'll said? That's right.

And now for something completely different.

Breach Kid takes down Aggies

Besides the big performance from Marshall, Johnson had another huge game. Along with Manning's steady ~25 points/week, that was easily enough FTW. Not even the great Peterson can contend with that. So marks the last time I'll have anything to celebrate this season... Breach 125, Aggies 69.94.

Nads of Steel Itches So Close

High scoring, but not quite enough for playoffs. Some really nice point production from the running backs and TE for the Nads. Not enough for Elmo. Enough football, back to the cartoons. Nads 109.38, Elmo 91.58.

Newport Beach Apples Easily Get Force Out Against Ghost Runner

Good job, you got a win versus the abandoned team. That's like saying your kickball team dominated the orphan team. Not really worth the celebration at Friendly's. Newport 81.68, Orphans 57.70

Vicodins Survive Bloody Nail Bitter

This wouldn't have been as close if Moss actually performed...well...performed at all. I feel you on going in the red with a player. At least we both pulled off the win. Having Brees doesn't hurt the team either. Vicodins 77.54, Korn 77.06.

[note: dog = moss]

Pride Falls Short When Confronted By Ballsack

That was kind of disappointing. Looks like the shrinkage did not ensue like Crimson was hoping. Oh well. At least Crimson can say he had a better year because of his overall point production. Although, not in this matchup. Ballsacks 98.90, Pride 58.92.

Hoof Hearted Scores More Points, Gets the Win

I know I'd be pissed if I was Steel Curtain. That's a lot of points to put up to have nothing to show for it. Oh wait, I remember a situation just like that for me. So, I don't actually feel so bad for you. Looks like with that win, Hoof's in the playoffs. To celebrate, here's a cartoon just for you. Hoof 94.80, Steel 92.16.

Week 14 Previews

OMG… This is now the 3rd straight week for me as the lowest scoring winner and I’ve migrated from purgatory to the 1st circle of hell. And no, I’m not LOLing… alright ladies, let’s stoke it up.

Matchup of the Week
Tetris Thumbs/Hoof Hearted (7-6) vs Eskimos/Steel Curtain (3-10)
If you don’t know why I chose this as the matchup of the week, you haven’t been paying attention. Yes, it’s all about me. And just as Victor did all Freshman year, he’s going to give it up to me one more time just for old times sake. Yahoo is calling for a blowout, but yes I do believe in miracles. Even when they’re not on ice.
Yahoo: HH 93-63
NoS: SC 72-71

Patrick Swayze/Nads of Steel (7-6) vs I Got Nothing Witty/Tackle Me Elmo (10-3)
OK, what do you do when your back’s against the wall and you’re fighting against all odds (to make the playoffs)? You dig into your foxhole and kill as many commies as possible. Oh and insert the 4th string Redskins RB into your starting roster. Wolverines!!!!!!!!!
Yahoo: TME 92-82
NoS: Nads 80-76

Perennial L.A. Clippers/Newport Beach Apples (11-2) vs Ghost of Fantasy Football Past/Coastals (3-10)
Looking to wrap up the top seed going into the playoffs (and a hefty cash reward), Chris gets a proverbial HJ from his old Blackstone dorm mate. No, make that a ZJ. And if you don’t know what that is you can’t afford it.
Yahoo: NBA 101-65
NoS: NBA 103-50

Alabama Slamma/Crimson Pride (6-7) vs Donde Esta Mi Ballsax?? (5-8)
Riding high after “his” Tide rolled over the Gators, Patric is just looking to get back to .500 and maintain a small shred of dignity. Ballsax however were last seen in the deep woods of Vermont watching “Beaches”, because he needed a good cry.
Yahoo: CP 96-77
NoS: CP 95-93
Unabomber Manifesto/Aggies (5-8) vs If Only DeSean Hadn’t Fumbled Away My Season in 2008/Breach Kid (5-8)
Uh dudes, I don’t want to cause any alarm, but I think the Unabomber’s in our league... Who else would only make 3 roster moves all season? Um, what’s that Nate? I can’t hear you from inside your steel vault. Next year, I recommend that both teams branch out a little bit and explore something known as the “waiver wire” and “free agency”. I know, I know, it’s all so confusing. We’ll take it nice and slow…
Yahoo: BK 99-87
NoS: tie

NKOTB Rules!/Korn on the Kolb (6-7) vs Smoke and Mirrors/Minnesota Vicodins (10-3)
George may have looked like he got away with the heist of the century when he trade raped Harrison for Randy Moss. But Mendenhall has for the most part turned into a nice little player and Moss is now in Belichek’s doghouse after showing up late for practice. It won’t matter this week, but when Moss starts pouting this will put the kibosh on any Superbowl championship aspirations.
Yahoo: Vicodins 81-75
NoS: Vicodins 85-65

Week 13 Wrap-Ups

Week 13 Wrap-Ups


Your humble author is tired, jetlagged, and not quite sober. As such, I don’t quite have the cognitive capacity right now to work in the Sports Guy, pro wrestling, Will Farrell movies, or whatever else that usually goes into these wrap-ups.

Instead, I give you hot girls making out with each other…


Hoof Hearted 106.78, ballsacks 87.92

Damn. I would have bet good money at the beginning of the year that a lineup of Miles Austin, Ray Rice, Brent Celek, Robert Meachem, and a Texans QB would never have a chance at the playoffs. Well, that’s why you play the games on the field and not on paper. Eric’s loss insures that there’ll be no repeat champ for the tenth straight season. While there was much wailing and rending of garments over Brandon Jacobs, the sacks might want to pick up some RBs who you know: “start games” and stuff.




Crimson Pride 94.80, Aggies 92.82

Hmm, Bama vs A&M. Yup, results were predictable. With win#6, Patrick cinches a spot in the consolation bracket. Ironically, after going through the whole season with good RBs and crappy WRs, the Aggies got some rare TDs from Anquan Boldin and Braylon Edwards while their RBs got stuffed in a two point heartbreaker.



Minnesota Vicodins 93.36, Steel Curtain X 64.72

The Curtain was 0.52 points away from accomplishing the neato trick of getting its top two weekly scores from its TE and K. Nice. With a 3-10 record and a #1 pick in 2010 in the bag, its all about moral victories from here on out. I suppose yet another song of praise can be written here extolling the wonders of Drew Brees, but the manlove for him on this blog’s getting kinda gay so let’s have TWO pics of hot girls making out.





I swear. I don’t love Drew Brees. I love women. Yeah…


Nads of Steel XI 71.68, Capital City Ghostals 65.72

And now we’re down to three from Blackwell ’96. The Nads stay alive in the playoff chase with a win over the defunct Coastals squad, largely helped by Harrison’s giveaway of Tom Brady earlier in the season. Looks like the guys of #309 will be battling it out for the final playoff spot on Week 14.



Tackle Me Elmo 78.04, Breach Kid 64.50

The Elmos continues to roll even while flipping over half its starting lineup the past few weeks. Nate meanwhile, has fielded this year close to the best losing team you could possibly have. If you told me a team that had the best fantasy player this season AND Peyton Manning, I’d be certain they’d be fighting for the playoffs.



Newport Beach Apples 118.12, Korn on the Kolb

Consider this your initiation, John. The New Guy, even with all his youthful athleticism and talent, fell to the grizzled veteran Apples. (Was trying to think of something witty but got nothing…) Alrighty, roommate and friend brought over 2 more magnums of wine. I’m outta here…

Week 13 Previews

What can I say, when it rains it pours… This is the 2nd straight week for me as the lowest scoring winner. Do I get a trophy for this or what? I feel like the team that gets the most of these crappy low scoring wins should get a miniature trophy or an inspirational poster.
Matchup of the Week
Hoof Hearted (6-6) vs Ballsax (5-7)
This battle features two teams desperate to get into the last unclaimed spot in the playoffs. But Ballsax have less favorable matchups in this one than Roseanne and Tom Arnold. Aaron Rodgers vs Balty D? ouch. Desean Jackson banged up? Double ouch. Andre Johnson’s points negated by Schaub on HH? Game over - I don’t see this one even being close.
Yahoo: HH 91-71
NoS: HH 95-65

Nads of Steel (6-6) vs Capital City Coastals (3-9)
After hacking into Yahoo’s mother board and deleting all of the scores from Weeks 1-12, Harrison accomplished his goal. Complete Anarchy. Was Angelina Jolie his muse from the 1995 movie Hackers? We’ll never know… but how about Jolie’s left nipple in that movie? That 0.18 seconds of nip still drives me crazy.
Yahoo: Nads 86-71
NoS: Nads 65-30

Newport Beach Apples (10-2) vs Korn on the Kolb (6-6)
Kolb needs to get back on the winning track, or he’ll find himself on the outside looking in at the playoffs. It just ain’t gonna happen though.
Yahoo: NBA 96-67
NoS: NBA 103-70

Tackle Me Elmo (9-3) vs Breach Kid (5-7)
As a monumental blunder, BK counted his chickens before they hatched and all but proclaimed top score for Week 12 on the message board. Cheer up big fella, your 3rd highest overall point total will keep you warm over the long cold winter.
Yahoo: TME 99-92
NoS: 99.0-98.9

Steel Curtain (3-9) vs Minnesota Vicodins (9-3)
At this point, much like Tiger, Curtain’s really just wants it all to be over. Don’t worry Brian, it’ll all be over soon. The Vicodins will take away your pain – damn that was too easy.
Yahoo: Vicodins 83-67
NoS: Vicodins 80-55

Burrested Development (5-7) vs Aggies (5-7)

Sorry I don't have time to write about two losers... and yes, that's coming from a guy who was recently sitting in 11th place.

Yahoo: Burrested 96-77

NoS: Aggies 95-93

Week 12 Wrap-Ups

Vicodins 104
Ballsacks 94

Prediction: Right!

What more is there to say? Before the Monday Night game the Vicodins had 50 points and were looking at an insurmountable deficit. There was an exact tie for the high score, an unprecedented occurrence that would undoubtedly have torn the league apart. Thanks to Drew Fucking Brees the league was saved and the Vicodins get a miracle win and their first ever weekly scoring title. For those keeping track, Brees more than doubled the point output of the entire Vicodins squad on the Saints' bye week. Thank goodness for the allure of the perfect season and the Vikings' keeping the pressure on for homefield advantage. Because the minute the Breesus sits the Vicodins become a doormat.




Hoof Hearted 98
Crimson Pride 80

Prediction: Wrong

This was the matchup of the week, but Vic's high-powered roster of keepers was too strong for the newly name-changed Pride. Between Schaub, Rice, Austin, Celek/Daniels, and even maybe Josh Freeman, the Hoof Hearted future looks bright. The Pride may get some use out of keepers Moreno and Harvin, and depending upon what happens in Seattle, Justin Forsett as well. Had those players gotten into the game this week things may have gone differently. As it stands, Hoof Hearted has the inside track on the last playoff spot. This could be a bad omen for the Alabama-Florida game as Vic is basically the Tim Tebow of fantasy football commissionering (and litigation).


NB Apples 71
Steel Curtain 57

Prediction: Right!

The Apples relied on a solid defensive effort to get the win with the week's 8th highest score. Big games from Philip Rivers and Jamaal Charles were enough to overcome the rare 1-2 punch of TE and Kicker that were the Curtain's top two scorers. The biggest disappointment for the Apples was that the Aggies failed to knock off a reeling Elmos squad. By not delivering the knockout punch to the Elmos, the Aggies left the Apples in the precarious position of needing to win out to secure the regular season title. Fortunately for the Apples they have a tilt with the also-overachieving Korn on the Kolb before a Week 14 bye against the owner-less/player-less Franchise-Formerly-Known-As-The-Coastals.



NoS 66
KotK 59

Prediction: Right!

For reasons no one can explain to me Nnamdi Asomugha (hardest name to spell in the NFL) was covering Roy Williams during the Oakland-Dallas game. Williams, you may recall, is the only WR in the league who is his own shutdown corner. That freed up Miles Austin and Tony Romo to enjoy a bit of a resurgence. Why would Tom Cable do that? Who knows... why would Cable punch his assistant coach or beat his wife? All I know is that it probably cost Korn on the Kolb a win here, and maybe cost them a playoff birth. Korn will need to beat two playoff teams (luckily, the two worst) and hope that Vic's squad falters. A long shot for the scrappy new guy, but not impossible. Meanwhile, the Nads kept hope alive but will need two wins (one against the Elmo Juggernaut) and a lot of help.



Breach 98
CCC 43

Prediction: Woefully Wrong

This game was over before it started. At very least, it was over once Chris Johnson ripped off his 300th 80+yard td run of the season. Chris Johnson is your fantasy MVP this year unless he pulls a triple Westbrook and kneels on the 1 the rest of the season. He may even get some buzz for NFL MVP, though it should be noted that he played in six straight losses for the Titans. He surely is their best player, but he doesn't carry the team to victories, he just carries the ball 90 yards in 7 seconds. At will. He will get some attention when he pretends to want to race Rajon Rondo in the hopes that both guys can become mainstream famous if their manufactured cross-sport competition catches on with the general public. It won't, but I wouldn't count out Rondo if the contest happens. It reminds me of the episode of And1 Mixtape where the ESPN intern who ran track at UNC got schooled in a sprint by the Helicopter or Go Get It or whoever. Vic, our resident And1 historian, will undoubtedly correct me on this. Johnson is fast. 4.24 in the 40 fast. But Rondo is clearly operating with a hyper-evolved human physiology. He is how our future selves will be genetically designed to be. And we will all be really good point guards who may or may not be able to beat Chris Johnson in a foot race.


Elmo 81
Aggies 78

Prediction: Unclear, as the predicted winner was not involved in this game

The Aggies had some pretty spectacular lineup failures in this game. Not starting a TE with a TE on the bench is the kind of error that makes me dread the prospect of fatherhood. It is hard to believe that I could ever be so busy that I would need Vic's retroactive lineup setting for two positions in one week. That said, it was the resurgence of Antonio Bryant that could have pushed the Aggies over the top in this matchup. Bryant is back to his old tricks from last year: namely, getting really productive at the right time of year. Unfortunately he (like his real team) will likely be in the consolation round. The Elmos survived an injury to QB Matt Ryan to pull out the close win. The real question going forward will be whether Vince Young can continue to win games for the Elmos and the Titans. At the pace he's going, VY is... dare we we say it... a potential keeper?