Hey there ditto-heads, Rush Limbaugh here, now that I don't have to worry about buying an NFL team any more, it's my turn to tell you the truth about this week's matchups in this fantasy league. (Note, I have never listened to more than a minute of Rush Limbaugh's radio show - so the following is just my imagination of what he might say)
Hang on a second while I pop down some vicodins pills - I got these from Brett Favre - and i must say, they are better than any one of my last seven marriages.
Of course, I gotta start with the matchup that everyone wants me to talk about, Newport Beach Apples against the Nads of Steel. Although I love the name Nads of Steel, it reminds me of the uber-sexual that I am, I must say that team is hampered by its quarterback, Donovan McNabb. I think most of you will agree, that everyone in the NFL, teammates, coaches, and even his opponents, want him to succeed, just because he's black. I'm sick of it. What did he do after Kevin Kolb plays a couple of solid games in row - he puts in McNabb, and he made sure that the other team didn't cover Jeremy Maclin - it's a conspiracy theory guys. With the Newport Apples, well, they are to fast starts what Nancy Pelosi is to tax cuts. And with this House, I don't see a tax cut coming soon, but I do see the Apples going to 6 and 0, especialy with Jason refusing to replace his bye-week tight end. I've always thought something ridiculous like a black man becoming President would happen before Chris got to 6-0. Well, I guess I was right.
Hang on - I gotta pop another vicodin - and speaking of vicodins - I'm predicting that Vicodins, a great name they are, will go down to Breach Kid in week six, even though Breach Kid is missing the greatest football player of all time, Peyton Manning, on a bye. And here's the reason that I don't like the Vicodins, they went out and traded for Randy Moss. Can you imagine? I had a conversation with Joe Buck the other day about Moss, and we both agree: Moss is frankly disgusting. Every time he steps on the field, it's like a war between the Bloods and the Crips.
Moving on to the Aggies and the Steel Curtain, it is no secret that I am a BIG fan of the Pittsburgh Steelers, and of course, Big Ben Roethlisberger - he's everything I would want in an NFL player. Tough, knows how to handle a bike, and white. This one is a no brainer - as soon as the Aggies pick up a fill-in tight end for Jason Witten, I'm going with the Aggies.
Okay, now we're going to talk about Ballsacks and Korn on the Kolb. I gotta let everyone know a story about Mike Sims-Walker - this guy got suspended from last week's game because he was having a Lewinski moment. I think it's about time that an NFL player had a sex scandal - i mean, we haven't had a good sex scandal since Monica. The other ones you may have heard about from the other radical left media networks like CNN - names like Foley, Vitter, Craig, Sanford - those are just misunderstandings blown out of proportion by the radical left. Oops, got a little side tracked. As far as the game goes, the Ballsacks aren't deep (their bench has more holes than a government take-over of healthcare), but they're strong up front - they will have little trouble with Korn on the Kolb.
Ah, onto one of my favorite players in the NFL, Kurt Warner, of Burrested Development. He's good, god-fearing QB who everyone should admire. Last week, when I was watching the Houston Arizona game, I saw that John McCain was sitting in a luxury box eating what looked like a cheesecake. And I thought wow - John McCain - if this country hadn't been so blind in electing "Osama" Obama to office - that just got me mind. But hey, at least the GOP will still come back in 2010 - unlike Capital City Coastals, whose season has about as much life as the skin on Nancy Pelosi's face - they will fall again this week.
Finally, the contest between Tackle Me Elmo and Hoof Hearted. Not much to say here, except that Maurice Jones Drew will score more against the St Louis defense than Bill Clinton could in a North Korea women's prison. Things don't look good for Hoof Hearted!
Hey, do I get a Pulitzer for this? I mean, c'mon, if Obama can get a Nobel Prize for sitting on his butt for 11 days?
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