Wrap-Ups Week 2

Tackle Me Elmo 123.70, Breach Kid 121.62

Game of the Week. Elmo continues to cement its claim as the #1 team in the league with another 100+ point week. If it wasn’t for his sick, sick fetish of overdrafting UT players every year - Jay’d have the perfect team.

Pat on the Head: Chris Johnson. Already a Top 10 fantasy player, one wonders what kind of numbers he could put up if he got 20+ carries a game and had a QB without a drinking problem.

Kick in the Ass: Nate. Apparently someone isn’t paying attention to my witty and insightful wrap-ups. The Kid started Willie Parker over Tim Hightower again, and yet again left points on the bench that could have won the game. As the young lad isn’t responding to gentle persuasion, let’s kick it up a notch.

START TIM HIGHTOWER OVER WILLIE PARKER!!!
START TIM HIGHTOWER OVER WILLIE PARKER!!!
START TIM HIGHTOWER OVER WILLIE PARKER!!!
START TIM HIGHTOWER OVER WILLIE PARKER!!!
START TIM HIGHTOWER OVER WILLIE PARKER!!!


Ballsacks 111.64, Hoof Hearted 83.28

While abusive relationships are pretty damn funny in real life, in the realer world of fantasy football there is only heartbreak and pathos. Witness the unfortunate Victor Zhao, who for years has yearned and dreamed of the bliss a union with Ben Watson would bring. While his rivals mocked him and his friends beseeched him, young Victor remained steadfast. One day, Victor hoped, Ben will bring me the boundless joy only a large, strong black man can give me.

And so we were all relieved when it seemed Victor was over Ben and settling into a new relationship with Visanthe Shiancoe. Alas, Ben reappeared in Week 1 to tantalize Mr. Zhao with visions of past longings. Victor predictably abandoned poor Visanthe and chased after Ben with the zeal of a fat kid waddling after an ice cream truck. And the women wept, the children cried, and the old men shook their heads watching Ben Watson break Victor’s heart yet again with his 23 yard “contribution” as Visanthe, with the rage of a lover scorned, found the end zone.

POTH: Andre Johnson. Is this the year he finally enters the top echelon of WRs? His Week 2 performance in an away game against one of the toughest defenses last year suggests so. AJ just needs to avoid the injury bug.

KITA: See above.


DropItLikeUrBraylon 113.62, Aggies 100.40

(Tried to think of something funny, but got nothing. Both teams played pretty well, and there aren’t any obvious managing mistakes or personal foibles I can point out).

POTH: Frank Gore. It’s for games like these everyone puts up with inevitable clunkers like his game in week 1.

KITA: Aggies’ WRs. The Aggies receivers have thus far combined for 0 TDs and a sad sack 221 yards. He’s going to need some help here if he’s going to get out of the 0-2 hole.


Nads of Steel 85.78, Capital City Coastals 45.74

Well, this wasn’t suprising. The Coastals, as predicted last week, struggled mightily with only one player scoring more than 10 points. Judging by his bench, it doesn’t look like reinforcements will be coming anytime soon. The Nads nearly lapped the Coastals despite losing yet another player to osteoporosis.

POTH: Dallas Clark. Quickly establishing himself as the 2nd best receiver on the Colts, non-murderer division.

KITA: Tom Brady. Looks like Brady’s gotten a little too comfortable in the past year taking it easy and banging Gisele.


Minnesota Vicodins 93.04, Steel Curtain X 68.24

The Curtain, as expected, played a lot better than week 1 with good bounceback performances from Cutler and Turner. That still wasn’t enough as the Vicodins notched win #2 due to the talents of…umm, what’s his name again?

POTH: Drew Brees. DREW BREES!

KITA: Greg Jennings. The punk took a day off in the worst possible week for the Curtain.


Newport Beach Apples 83.94, Korn on the Kolb 51.58

In a titanic battle of undefeated teams, the Apples used its excellent fantasy football defense as well its “knowing how to win” veteran moxie to keep its loss cherry intact and make the Kolb bleed.

POTH: Philip Rivers. If there was a hall of fame for QBs who threw like a girl, he’d win in a landslide.

KITA: Kolb’s WR/RBs. With a grand total of 2 TDs this year, these 10 WR/RBs aren’t exactly what consultants would call a “core competency”. More like “steaming pile of crap”.