Breach Kid – Dawn of a New Day
Before this week’s matchups began, Jack was in a little trouble figuring out which team he would pull for. On one side, Dawn of a New Day, is a model of Jack’s life. Kim still isn’t sure how she feels about her dad, someone in the White House is corrupt, and Jack’s lover just got kidnapped. A hypothetical “New Day” would be a breath of fresh air. On the other side is good explination of what Jack is: a human breaching charge. Kickin’ in doors and cappin’ anyone that looks at him the wrong way. Logically, since Jack is a killing machine, there really was only one choice: Breach Kid. As far as football, there was a lot of under-production in this matchup. But, it’s all about letting your stars shine. The Cowboy Combo once again put up enough points to carry the team to victory. Jack also wants to add that it doesn’t matter if you kill a man with your bare hands or with a gat, he’s gunna be dead.Breach Kid: 41 Hungarians and 6 fingers removed by Jack
Dawn of a New Day: 36 male jihads and 1 female suicide bomber
happyvalleycoastals – Save Me Purple Jebus
This was a matchup that called for some tears to be shed. Jack knows all about sheding some tears. Yes, even real men cry. And if Jack isn’t a real man, I don’t want to know who is. Jack was glad to see that real victory in fantasy football is just like real life: it takes sacrifice. Jack sacrificed his freedom to go to a Chinese prison for the security of the American Nation. Like our great nation, happyvalleycoastals came away with a positive, although almost every player’s real team took a loss. Not to mention that his star running back Westbrook left the game with a questionable injury. But, it’s for the nation’s glory. Even the Save Me Purple Jebus took a blow with Roethlisberger putting up negative points.happyvalleycoastals: a comfortable 69 neo-nazis, and 1 ear for good measure
Save Me Purple Jebus: 36 columbian drug cartel drones and a 1 little boy who’s airgun didn’t have an orange tip
Nads of Steel – Hoof Hearted
As much as you’d think that Jack would immediately state his side with Nads of Steel, remember that Jack is a human being and he did father that beautiful Kim Bauer. So, we know the nads are real. And Jack has a lighter side, which is why Jack seemed to favor Hoof Hearted in this situation. It is rumored that Jack has in fact cracked a laugh or two, although it was while he was reloading his glock to kill more perps that just ran right into a makeshift trap he just made with nothing more than a few sticks and his shoelaces. All this being said, Jack did have trouble not shooting Houshmandzadeh. Let’s just get this straight, Jack’s met a lot of people with similar last names that tried to rape his daughter. Nothing personal to Housh, it’s just how it’s been for Jack.Hoof Hearted: 73 Crips that called Jack a “fake ass gansta”
Nads of Steel: 53 wives that tried to manipulate their husbands for their position in critical national security roles
Steel Curtain IX – BigApples
Yet another easy one for Jack. Steel Curtain? Now you’re starting to remind Jack of the Soviet Union. Which only means a threat to America. BigApples…hmmm…well, heck, Jack can think of anything that associated with apples and it’s sure to be better than some soviets. BigApples reminded Jack of the good old days when it use to be him, Terri and Kim. The 3 of them could handle anything. Well, almost anything. BA got 3 big performances from Palmer (…he is the president), Addai and Jones-Drew. But, above all, this week’s WAAAMBULANCE award goes to the Steel Curtain. Benching Ronnie Brown and McClain was the downfall. Like Jack knows, you gotta play the right people at the right time. Jack knows he’s always the right person to play, but he needs the right people in office and on his tech team to get the job done. It’s a valuable lesson.BigApples: 60 Soviets and 60 smashed bottles of vodka (not sure about the conversion rate of the worth of vodka to people in the soviet union)
Steel Curtain IX: 44 corrupt CTU agents
Tackle Me Elmo – LightsOut
This just must be Jack’s week. “Lights Out”: the perfect conclusion for a Jack Bauer mission. If TO actually had a normal game, this would have been the week’s overall point leader. But, it was not meant to be. However, Jack will give up a golfer’s clap for all but 2 players hitting double digits. Impressive. Not as impressive as saving a nation from a nuclear threat, but, solid. Elmo, there’s also a valuable lesson in here for you too. Never rely on one man, LT, to carry your team to victory…unless that man is Jack Bauer. Simple, yet concise, theme.LightsOut: 84 varied crooks and thieves and Ellen DeGeneres (she’s half a man, right?)
Tackle Me Elmo: 38 passengers with bags of luggage that “ticked”
Crimson Pride – ballsacks
Jack must have relapsed on some coke for this matchup. Crimson Pride almost doubled up the ballsacks (and Jack says that in the least gay way possible; and if you don’t believe him, better watch your back). Looks like Brett Favre hasn’t lost his touch. People said the same thing about Jack, and we all know how that turns out. Behind Turner, Favre and the Bush, an easy win.Crimson Pride: 93 Chinese kung-fu ninjas and one zheng player (collateral)
ballsacks: 48 Frenchies (they didn’t put up much of a fight)
That's it for now. Keep it clean, boys.
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