Hey y'all, I'm the President, and I've been asked by one of my loyal supporters, Hoof Hearted (was that you Condi?), to recap some fantasy football games this weekend. I figure since I'm sitting around not doing much these days with our battle against the evildoers going superbly and the economy in tip-top shape, I can spend a few minutes telling you guys about what happened last weekend. You guys will have to forgive me a little, I'm not used to telling people what's going on based on ... umm... what do you call it? ... facts... normally, I just talk based on my gut, but today, I've been handed this here scoresheet, so i guess I'll have to start from there, and let's what i can pontifimicate ... gosh I love that word:
We'll start with the Ball Sacks - heh heh - in the White House, we call them Mangos, or for my Spanish friends, Los Mangos. Anyway, Los Mangos played Tackle Me Elmo in the opener for last year's champions. And it looked like Tackle Me Elmo tried to hang a banner that said "Mission Accomplished" to celebrate last season, and Los Mangos said No Way Jose! That's what I used to say to Jeb all the time when he tried to hit on Laura! Los Mangos needed a big game from Jay Cutler, and boy, did he get it. Cutler carvecated the Raiders defense and took down Tackle Me Elmo's banner. Lemme tell ya something, you gotta think twice before putting up banners like that - I know.
In Game 2, we have Breach Kid against Steel Curtain I.X. Okay, my first question is, what does I.X. mean? I have seen a lot of acronisms in my time in the White House, but I've never seen this one: I.X. But moving on to the game, you can just about move that X in the team name over Steel Curtain - that season was done about eight minutes in when Tom Brady was incapacimitated for the season. I love Breach Kid's team - it's got three starters from Dallas - but even I felt bad for Steel Curtain I.X. - putting that team into battle without Brady, that's like going hunting with Dick Cheney without armor - I wouldn't do it.
In Game 3, it's Lights Out Against Save Me Purple Jebus - I first want to point out to Save Me's owner that Jesus is spelled wrong. I think it's spelled J-e-s-u-s, I should know, he told me that I oughtta be President. I'm actually kind of surprised at the result of this game - Lights Out won, even though Jesus is in their opponent's name, and, their best player is Frank Gore. Now, as far as I know, the Gores are a bunch of losers... every single one of them... never met one I liked, and certainly, never met a winner among them.
In Game 4, Crimson Pride made its comeback into the league in a big way, and beat the holy heck out of Dawn of New Day. Now, I know something about come backs - I remember that one time, when I came back around the back of that German premier, or chancellor, or Lady President, or whatever, and grabbed her real good around the shoulders. Oooh... I got her real good! And I didn't even have Michael Turner, or my brother (of a different mother) by my side! Like me, Crimson Pride made their comeback in style!
In Game 5, and it's our closest game - this one was almost as close as Florida - Nads of Steel barely lost to Happy Valley Coastals. Nads needed Greg Jennings to have a big game on Monday Night Football - but, he fell just a little bit short. I hope Nads can learn their lesson, and not count on an average receiver to something extraordinary. I don't have no doubt that he will - I have learned that even our childrens do learn.
Finally, in our week's finale, Hoof Hearted cruised comfortably against a Big Apples team that rolled over like Saddam's army. This game reminded me a lot of when I ordered Saddam out of power. Hoof Hearted did not have all of their equipment in good shape - Peyton was rusty; Gates is still recovering from surgery - but they still outclassed Big Apples. And just like the Iraqis, the Big Apples had this Information Minister that kept on trying to convince everyone that they are just about to turn it around, if only there were't injuries. But hey, you go put Nate Burleson in the Iraqi army, let's see how much of a difference that would make!!
Well, that's all for now; I surely enjoyed this time. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to clear some brush.
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