Eventually we are going to run out of themes and the lowest-scoring winner will face a choice between a waiver demotion and a Tuesday filled with furious wikipedia research in order to compare each game to episodes of "The Fall Guy" or to Governors General of India and Pakistan between 1947 and 1958 (hint: you want to be Muhammad Ali Jinnah). Say what you will about the Sports Guy, we've all collectively ripped off every single one of his gimmicks. Movie quotes? Check. Gambling lines? Check. A post that is just a thin excuse for youtube clips? Check. Maybe I'll have my girlfriend write a sidebar post? How about a running diary? It is only a matter of time until Vic does a podcast that lasts three hours and is focused entirely on creating a power rankings for seasons of The Wire. Maybe he'll invite Cousin Sal and Dooz. I think one of those might be a dog.
Without further ado, I will spin the cultural reference wheel... and the framework into which I will shoehorn these recaps is...
Star Wars movies.
Game/Episode 1 The Phantom Menace
Purple Jebus 41 Big Apples 28
Like the movie, these teams had high expectations. Joseph Addai and Steven Jackson seemed like bankable stars, remember? It was like three weeks ago. Now they look like Ewan McGregor and Liam Neeson... you don't mind seeing them in a film, but they don't seem to deserve top billing. The only real excitement in the movie was an over-hyped pod race, which was supposed to showcase revolutionary special effects, but actually was boring and hard to follow. This game had a similarly disappointing climax. The two teams were essentially tied going into the Sunday night game when Big Ben and Jeff Reed would face off. Like I said, not too exciting. Anyway, Big Ben outscored his kicker in a game made infinitely more boring by incredibly windy conditions. At least Santonio Holmes wasn't involved. The only embarrassing picture of him I know of is in the full-frontal category. Let's just say if football doesn't work out and Santonio decides to take up baseball, he will save money by not having to buy a bat.
Game/Episode 2 Attack of the Clones
HVC 92 Hoof Hearted 27
Some people say that the Star Wars Prequels are a little racist. That is probably only because they watched them and aren't completely retarded. Yes, Jar Jar is a disgrace, but my personal pet peeve is the evil "Trade Federation." Weird, they talk like stereotypical Asians... and happen to be into sneak attacks and driven only by greed. Anyway, long story short, these Asians (wait... I mean "aliens") started something with the Republic and then ended up facing the full wrath of the Jedi and their clone army. In this game Harrison is Yoda and he and his clones dropped in on Vic's pathetic little Asian robot team. I always thought this scene would have been better if Yoda was playing "Ride of the Valkyries" from the little ships a la Apocalypse Now. Long story short: Vic lost. Bad.
Game/Episode 3 Revenge of the Sith
Nads of Steel 63 Crimson Pride 63 (but a smaller 63)
Like the movies, this was the last review I wrote. At the time, it was the only game in doubt and Jason Witten needed 4 points give his team a victory. Watching a Monday Night game needing production from a Tight End is torture.* Unlike a running back, a TE gets very few looks. Too bad we don't give points for blocking. Anyways, Eli Manning is clearly Anakin. He was supposed to be the chosen one (#1?), but due to some family issues he went off the rails, and demolished some defenseless kids (we'll call them "St. Louis Rams"). Also, he totally knocked up Natalie Portman.**
* 5 yards more and we'd have a miracle win for the Pride. Fantasy football is a game of inches. 180 inches.
**not actually true.
Game/Episode 4 A New Hope
Ballsacks 87 Dawn of a New Day 66
You might think Mark's team has a lot in common with this movie because both their names would be an appropriate motto for the Duke football team. Sadly for Duke and everyone who writes about Mark's team, the George Lucas intellectual property team is zealously protecting the shorter of the two. More sadly for Mark, the Sacks have Luke Skywalker at QB. Instead of a large concentration of midi-chlorians, Cutler has a diminished production of insulin. Last year we all witnessed the effects, including unexplained weight loss, lethargy, and (this one was pretty obvious) blurred vision. Now he sees clearly that Eddie Royal and Brandon Marshall are open, and he throws the ball to them. The only difference is that Jay Cutler's dad is a bigger weirdo than Luke's.
Game/Episode 5 The Empire Strikes Back
Breach Kid 80 Tackle Me Elmo 47
Like the plucky young rebels who bullseyed the womp rats in their T-16s back on Tatooine, Elmo has youngsters Calvin Johnson, Sidney Rice, Steve Slaten, Rashard Mendenhall, and Matt Ryan. These kids went into battle behind old jedi Obi-Wan Delhomme and the chosen one (#1?) LT. Sadly, the excitement of Sunday slowly gave way to the reality of Monday. Sure Elmo had the lead even without Andre Johnson (Iked), but their weird medal ceremony was rudely interrupted by a little thing we call Monday Night Football. Romo, Barber III, and Crayton landed on Hoth, crushed the pesky Elmos' snow speeders, cut off their hands, and ***spoiler alert*** tell them who is who's daddy.
Game/Episode 6 Return of the Jedi
Steel Curtain IX 90 Lights Out 65
Your quarterback and best wide receiver are injured, your season is over, and you are about to witness the firepower of this fully armed and operational Terrell Owens. But the feisty Steel Curtain "icks" isn't done yet. They've got some plucky Ewoks on a field in Denver and Ed Hochuli, the strongest Bothan Spy ever. With Ed's help the Denver wideouts Royal and Marshall get a bunch of points (deserved and undeserved) and it is Lights Out. Everyone celebrates and the Ewoks play the drums with the discarded helmets of the vanquished enemies. Normally that is 15 yards for excessive celebration, but... you know... Hochuli.
There it is, your week 2 in review, in case you have time for a way-too-long blog post but can't check out each score for yourself. After all, why process the information yourself when it can be done by a person who is, by definition, the most inept manager to win that week? Finally, this version of the Recaps would not be possible without the wisdom of nerds who sit in their parents' basement editing Wookiepedia.
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