Newport Beach Apples vs. Minnesota Vicodins
The Newport Beach Express just keeps rolling along--Don Shula's ass should be fully puckered up by now. This week the Apples, staffed with Phil Rivers and Larry Fitz, take on the pill poppers from Minnesota. Save for the QB spot, the Vicodins will run out a smorgasbord of 'Meh' talent out against the league leaders. If those guys can't produce, George might have to go all Oliver Twist and asked "Brees sir, may I have some more?" NBA - 92, MV - 83
Korn on the Kolb vs. Aggies
A team with Adrian Peterson, Cedric Benson and Eli Manning should be better than 2-5. Unfortunately, it hasn't worked out that way for Mark. Poooooooooooooooor Aggies! There could be some change in the air this week though, all depending on whether Mark actually fills up the flex spot. Both teams are rolling out solid squads but Korn is looking at some tough matchups this week e.g. Slaton @ Buffalo in the snow. Ick. This one really looks like a toss-up but I think I'll call the upset. KotK - 70, Agg - 71
Steel Curtain X vs. CapitalCityCoastals
The Battle for the No. 1 pick in next years draft. Here's my prediction: Whoever wins this game will be writing the wrap ups next week. Right now, I'd say that's the Curtain. SC10 - 65, CCC - 58
BurrestedDevelopment vs. Breach Kid
Another slugfest in the works here. Breach should be at a much better place than 1-6 but as was pointed out in the wrap-ups, there have been some very close losses that have put BK into contention for Adrian Peterson next year. BD however has a good thing going despite his two main backs, Forte and Gore, having sub-par years so far. At the end of the day, I think a big outing by Chris Johnson and Peyton Manning takes Breach to win #2 on the season. BD - 94, BK - 97
Hoof Hearted vs. Nads of Steel XI
As the season wears on Hoof Hearted has been working hard on the comeback trail and has put up a lot of points to get their record back up to 3-4. On the other hand, NoS is looking at a 3 game losing streak after sitting pretty at Week 4. Don't see much here as the Hoof squad is looking like it's going to light it up again for a big week. I said it last week and I'll say it again: Matt Schaub = #1 Fantasy QB. What the f.... HH - 107, NoS - 95
Tackle Me Elmo vs. ballsacks
Another week, another set of previews. This week, tough matchup against a good ballsacks team. Aaron Rodgers will be the key to this one. If he can get it going against Minny, the sacks have a chance to pull it out. If it's tough treading, well, the rest of matchups don't look too pretty. My matchups don't look too great either, but should be able to hang on for the W. TME - 103, bs - 98
Friday, October 30, 2009
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Week 7 Wrap-Ups
Newport Beach Apples 89 Aggies 87 Prediction: Right
Undefeated seasons require a lot of luck. In this game, Antonio Bryant and Laurence Maroney would have handed Mark the win. Sadly for him and the 72 Dolphins, the Apples pulled out a squeaker on the strength of Phillip Rivers, Donald Brown's injury, and Dwayne Bowe's miraculous ability to get a TD on a miserable team with no QB. Also, it might be time to consider Ochocinco for a starting spot. Fun fact for the league: The following are teams with more total points than the 7 and 0 Apples (599) and their season records:
Tackle Me Elmo (701) 5-2
Hoof Hearted (668) 3-4
Breach Kid (618) 1-6
Burrested Development (612) 4-3
Aggies (607) 2-5
MN Vicodins 74 Nads of Steel 58 Prediction: Right
This was a boring miserable game. Drew Brees accounted for 3 of the Vicondins' 4 tds, and two came on the ground. While the franchise qb should be more careful with his fragile body, a late surge by the Breesus saved the Vicodins' thin hopes for a title. Also of note from this game: Lee Evans is on a bit of a roll. He might make an actual fantasy contribution before the season is done, though he is behind Randy Moss and Calvin Johnson on the depth chart. The Nads got a fast start from Reggie Wayne and Dallas Clark, then petered out. Donovan McNabb failed to exploit a horrendous Redskins defense, and the Nads missed an easy one. Could be time for the Nads to regroup for next season.
Korn on the Kolb 93 Steel Curtain 75 Prediction: Right (and correct on the Curtain's point total)
If not for Westbrook's concussion the previews might have hit this one on the nose. I have no idea if that is hard to do because I never get to write the previews. Wrapups, on the other hand... seems like every other week. The real outliers here were Romo and Slaton, who gave KotK the win with big days. Romo seems to have locked in on Miles Austin's giant teeth, which could be big for his value going forward. Slaton probably still sucks, but Schaub is opening up the field which gives him opportunities to score. Other than Reggie Bush learning to fly, this was another disappointing day for the Curtain, who should invest in crooked refs like the real Stealers... er... Steelers. But seriously, check out Miles Austin's teeth.
Ballsacks 95 CC Coastals 45 Prediction: Wrong
Aaron Rodgers and DeSean Jackson could have won this one on their own, though benching everyone else might not have been a good coaching move for the Sacks. If the Coastals have, as alleged, given up on the season... well... they probably made the right choice. The Coastals have a resurgent Brady (finally) but not much else. They failed to cross the goal line altogether, and the kicker didn't even make a field goal. Brady's passing tds kept the Coastals from challenging the league points minimum held by Derek Anderson and the Vicodins, but doubling up the worst score in history is rarely the hallmark of a good week.
Hoof Hearted 101 Breach Kid 75 Prediction: Right
Usually a 2 and 4 team against a 1 and 5 team is not a marquee matchup, but Hoof and Breach are two of the three highest scoring teams in the league. Breach continued to defy mathematics by losing despite strong performances from Vincent Jackson and Peyton "MVP Candidate" Manning. Seriously, look at Breach Kid's record and you will wonder what he did to get that kind of karma. He's lost by 1, 2, and 5 points. He has also lost while putting up 100 points. This was a pretty conventional loss, however. And not a close one. I will now turn this recap over to Larry Johnson's Tweets:
Hoof Larry Johnson: @BreachKid: "Sorry ur a cornball n ur mom birthed u broke (and your team is unlucky). But I'm cakn patna. While u work or school for 5 dollas n hour. Ha!"
Hoof Larry Johnson: @DukeLeague: "then don't reply then (to my trade proposals). Still richer then u. Keep goin. Come play our game ooops forgot u can't."
Tackle Me Elmo 119 Burressted Development 53 Prediction: Wrong
Burressted may have lost the game, but Chris Cooley's ankle will prevent him from benching Vernon Davis on a 3 td outing next week. Once you realize you've benched two players with huge games (Carson Palmer being the other one), you can only hope you lose by enough points that your decision didn't cost you a win. Fortunately the Elmos cooperated with big games from Thomas Jones and Rickey Williams. Between Williams and Cedric Benson it was a big week for pothead Longhorns. Note to the Elmos: Sydney Rice is Favre's favorite target (especially if Harvin is dinged up). He should be starting, though his keeper value is contingent on the old man with the NFL record for most career interceptions.
Undefeated seasons require a lot of luck. In this game, Antonio Bryant and Laurence Maroney would have handed Mark the win. Sadly for him and the 72 Dolphins, the Apples pulled out a squeaker on the strength of Phillip Rivers, Donald Brown's injury, and Dwayne Bowe's miraculous ability to get a TD on a miserable team with no QB. Also, it might be time to consider Ochocinco for a starting spot. Fun fact for the league: The following are teams with more total points than the 7 and 0 Apples (599) and their season records:
Tackle Me Elmo (701) 5-2
Hoof Hearted (668) 3-4
Breach Kid (618) 1-6
Burrested Development (612) 4-3
Aggies (607) 2-5
MN Vicodins 74 Nads of Steel 58 Prediction: Right
This was a boring miserable game. Drew Brees accounted for 3 of the Vicondins' 4 tds, and two came on the ground. While the franchise qb should be more careful with his fragile body, a late surge by the Breesus saved the Vicodins' thin hopes for a title. Also of note from this game: Lee Evans is on a bit of a roll. He might make an actual fantasy contribution before the season is done, though he is behind Randy Moss and Calvin Johnson on the depth chart. The Nads got a fast start from Reggie Wayne and Dallas Clark, then petered out. Donovan McNabb failed to exploit a horrendous Redskins defense, and the Nads missed an easy one. Could be time for the Nads to regroup for next season.
Korn on the Kolb 93 Steel Curtain 75 Prediction: Right (and correct on the Curtain's point total)
If not for Westbrook's concussion the previews might have hit this one on the nose. I have no idea if that is hard to do because I never get to write the previews. Wrapups, on the other hand... seems like every other week. The real outliers here were Romo and Slaton, who gave KotK the win with big days. Romo seems to have locked in on Miles Austin's giant teeth, which could be big for his value going forward. Slaton probably still sucks, but Schaub is opening up the field which gives him opportunities to score. Other than Reggie Bush learning to fly, this was another disappointing day for the Curtain, who should invest in crooked refs like the real Stealers... er... Steelers. But seriously, check out Miles Austin's teeth.
Ballsacks 95 CC Coastals 45 Prediction: Wrong
Aaron Rodgers and DeSean Jackson could have won this one on their own, though benching everyone else might not have been a good coaching move for the Sacks. If the Coastals have, as alleged, given up on the season... well... they probably made the right choice. The Coastals have a resurgent Brady (finally) but not much else. They failed to cross the goal line altogether, and the kicker didn't even make a field goal. Brady's passing tds kept the Coastals from challenging the league points minimum held by Derek Anderson and the Vicodins, but doubling up the worst score in history is rarely the hallmark of a good week.
Hoof Hearted 101 Breach Kid 75 Prediction: Right
Usually a 2 and 4 team against a 1 and 5 team is not a marquee matchup, but Hoof and Breach are two of the three highest scoring teams in the league. Breach continued to defy mathematics by losing despite strong performances from Vincent Jackson and Peyton "MVP Candidate" Manning. Seriously, look at Breach Kid's record and you will wonder what he did to get that kind of karma. He's lost by 1, 2, and 5 points. He has also lost while putting up 100 points. This was a pretty conventional loss, however. And not a close one. I will now turn this recap over to Larry Johnson's Tweets:
Hoof Larry Johnson: @BreachKid: "Sorry ur a cornball n ur mom birthed u broke (and your team is unlucky). But I'm cakn patna. While u work or school for 5 dollas n hour. Ha!"
Hoof Larry Johnson: @DukeLeague: "then don't reply then (to my trade proposals). Still richer then u. Keep goin. Come play our game ooops forgot u can't."
Tackle Me Elmo 119 Burressted Development 53 Prediction: Wrong
Burressted may have lost the game, but Chris Cooley's ankle will prevent him from benching Vernon Davis on a 3 td outing next week. Once you realize you've benched two players with huge games (Carson Palmer being the other one), you can only hope you lose by enough points that your decision didn't cost you a win. Fortunately the Elmos cooperated with big games from Thomas Jones and Rickey Williams. Between Williams and Cedric Benson it was a big week for pothead Longhorns. Note to the Elmos: Sydney Rice is Favre's favorite target (especially if Harvin is dinged up). He should be starting, though his keeper value is contingent on the old man with the NFL record for most career interceptions.
Friday, October 23, 2009
Week 7 Previews
Newport Beach Apples vs. Aggies
The leagues lone undefeated team (whoda thunk it would be the Apples) takes their balanced attack against the underperfoming Aggies (where have I heard that before). Aggies have a strong rushing attack with Peterson, Thomas and Benson but unfortunately, those 3 guys are playing against some pretty good defenses. Meanwhile, the Apples squad gets a lot of good matchups. Perhaps, Chris should rename his team to 'Kansas State' for this match. NBA - 106, Ags - 85
Nads of Steel XI vs. Minnesota Vicodins
The Vic's bounced back in a big way last week behind--surprise,surprise--a strong showing by Drew Brees. Oh yeah, that Randy Moss was also pretty good. Meanwhile, the Nads did the complete opposite and put up a stinker--only 58 points. Nads is looking to change their ways by taking a flyer on 2009 Prima Donna of the Year Michael Crabtree at the WR spot. Also, take note that this might be the one and only week that you see BenJarvus Green-Ellis on a fantasy roster. Take a moment to let that sink in. Should be a slugfest though but I don't see any streaks being broken. NoS - 82, MV - 91
Steel Curtain X vs. Korn on the Kolb
Here's one of those matchups where when you look at the two teams on paper they should have the other's records. However, the Curtain's has had a rough going and has only pulled off one victory this season and things don't look too easy this week either--7 or 8 road matchups = ouch. Korn doesn't get off too well on the matchups either because his squad is playing against some tough opponents but it seems like all of his players are coming on around the right time. In the end, look for University of Houston product Donnie Avery to lead his schoolmates' team to victory. SC10 - 75, KotK - 98
ballsacks vs. CapitalCityCoastals
This one is going to be a battle between two good but not great teams. The sacks throw out a decent corps featuring Rodgers and Andre Johnson into the frey against a dangerous Coastals squad. I say dangerous because you never know when Brady is going to throw for 6 TD's and Bradshaw breaks off some long TD's for the G-men. I'm calling for the upset though. bs - 81, CCC - 90
Hoof Hearted vs. Breach Kid
Somebody call the Waaahmbulance. I've had to hear this week how Vic's squad has thrown up a lot of points over the course of the season but only has two wins to show for it. I guess the squeaky wheel does get the oil. And that oil is named Breach kid. Save for Peyton Manning, I don't think anyone on the BK squad reall excites anyone--probably the reason for the 1-5 record. Meanwhile, HH boasts a team led by this year's current top fantasy QB, Matt Schaub. Say it with me: WHAT THE F...??!?! HH - 110, BK - 84
Tackle Me Elmo vs. BurrestedDevelopment
The battle for 2nd place. This game hinges on Marion Barber. If he's better and comes to play against the Falcons, Elmo can give BD a run for their money--If not, BD takes this one easy. TME - 90, BD - 92
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Week 6 Wrap-Ups
Tackle Me Elmo 151.90, Hoof Hearted 117.58
With five of his players on bye week, two weeks of weak performances, and facing the high scorer from last week: Elmo was in line to do some “experimenting” this week. Some surprisingly strong performances from Hakeem Nicks and Owen Daniels saved such exploration for another week as he mounted the Hoof and showed who's the boss.
Capital City Coastals 108.10, Burrested Development 84.24
Speaking of “experimenting”…
Korn on the Kolb 123.56, ballsacks 63.72
Did anyone think the Kolb would double up the Sacks? Yahoo didn’t think so. Apparently Rush didn’t either last week. With a 25% whiter lineup than the Sacks, the Kolb somehow managed to put up triple digits to stay in contention.
Steel Curtain X 76.10, Aggies 74.45 (for now)
According to league rules, the Aggies should win this on a technicality. Just letting Brian know what this “winning” feels like…even if for a little bit.
Minnesota Vicodins 139.56, Breach Kid 103.10
Writing gets harder the more you drink, but anyways…
Drew Brees! And Randy Moss, like he’s done throughout his career: picks one day every month to “run hard” to keep collecting his checks. Keep on trucking Randy…
Newport Beach Apples 70.08, Nads of Steel XI 58.16
Your humble author would rather be lucky than good, and he was definitely the former this week. With a win this weekend and a loss by the #2: he might get (sadly enough) his first taste of the playoffs in nine long years.
With five of his players on bye week, two weeks of weak performances, and facing the high scorer from last week: Elmo was in line to do some “experimenting” this week. Some surprisingly strong performances from Hakeem Nicks and Owen Daniels saved such exploration for another week as he mounted the Hoof and showed who's the boss.
Capital City Coastals 108.10, Burrested Development 84.24
Speaking of “experimenting”…
Korn on the Kolb 123.56, ballsacks 63.72
Did anyone think the Kolb would double up the Sacks? Yahoo didn’t think so. Apparently Rush didn’t either last week. With a 25% whiter lineup than the Sacks, the Kolb somehow managed to put up triple digits to stay in contention.
Steel Curtain X 76.10, Aggies 74.45 (for now)
According to league rules, the Aggies should win this on a technicality. Just letting Brian know what this “winning” feels like…even if for a little bit.
Minnesota Vicodins 139.56, Breach Kid 103.10
Writing gets harder the more you drink, but anyways…
Drew Brees! And Randy Moss, like he’s done throughout his career: picks one day every month to “run hard” to keep collecting his checks. Keep on trucking Randy…
Newport Beach Apples 70.08, Nads of Steel XI 58.16
Your humble author would rather be lucky than good, and he was definitely the former this week. With a win this weekend and a loss by the #2: he might get (sadly enough) his first taste of the playoffs in nine long years.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Rush to Judgment: Opinions on Week Six
Hey there ditto-heads, Rush Limbaugh here, now that I don't have to worry about buying an NFL team any more, it's my turn to tell you the truth about this week's matchups in this fantasy league. (Note, I have never listened to more than a minute of Rush Limbaugh's radio show - so the following is just my imagination of what he might say)
Hang on a second while I pop down some vicodins pills - I got these from Brett Favre - and i must say, they are better than any one of my last seven marriages.
Of course, I gotta start with the matchup that everyone wants me to talk about, Newport Beach Apples against the Nads of Steel. Although I love the name Nads of Steel, it reminds me of the uber-sexual that I am, I must say that team is hampered by its quarterback, Donovan McNabb. I think most of you will agree, that everyone in the NFL, teammates, coaches, and even his opponents, want him to succeed, just because he's black. I'm sick of it. What did he do after Kevin Kolb plays a couple of solid games in row - he puts in McNabb, and he made sure that the other team didn't cover Jeremy Maclin - it's a conspiracy theory guys. With the Newport Apples, well, they are to fast starts what Nancy Pelosi is to tax cuts. And with this House, I don't see a tax cut coming soon, but I do see the Apples going to 6 and 0, especialy with Jason refusing to replace his bye-week tight end. I've always thought something ridiculous like a black man becoming President would happen before Chris got to 6-0. Well, I guess I was right.
Hang on - I gotta pop another vicodin - and speaking of vicodins - I'm predicting that Vicodins, a great name they are, will go down to Breach Kid in week six, even though Breach Kid is missing the greatest football player of all time, Peyton Manning, on a bye. And here's the reason that I don't like the Vicodins, they went out and traded for Randy Moss. Can you imagine? I had a conversation with Joe Buck the other day about Moss, and we both agree: Moss is frankly disgusting. Every time he steps on the field, it's like a war between the Bloods and the Crips.
Moving on to the Aggies and the Steel Curtain, it is no secret that I am a BIG fan of the Pittsburgh Steelers, and of course, Big Ben Roethlisberger - he's everything I would want in an NFL player. Tough, knows how to handle a bike, and white. This one is a no brainer - as soon as the Aggies pick up a fill-in tight end for Jason Witten, I'm going with the Aggies.
Okay, now we're going to talk about Ballsacks and Korn on the Kolb. I gotta let everyone know a story about Mike Sims-Walker - this guy got suspended from last week's game because he was having a Lewinski moment. I think it's about time that an NFL player had a sex scandal - i mean, we haven't had a good sex scandal since Monica. The other ones you may have heard about from the other radical left media networks like CNN - names like Foley, Vitter, Craig, Sanford - those are just misunderstandings blown out of proportion by the radical left. Oops, got a little side tracked. As far as the game goes, the Ballsacks aren't deep (their bench has more holes than a government take-over of healthcare), but they're strong up front - they will have little trouble with Korn on the Kolb.
Ah, onto one of my favorite players in the NFL, Kurt Warner, of Burrested Development. He's good, god-fearing QB who everyone should admire. Last week, when I was watching the Houston Arizona game, I saw that John McCain was sitting in a luxury box eating what looked like a cheesecake. And I thought wow - John McCain - if this country hadn't been so blind in electing "Osama" Obama to office - that just got me mind. But hey, at least the GOP will still come back in 2010 - unlike Capital City Coastals, whose season has about as much life as the skin on Nancy Pelosi's face - they will fall again this week.
Finally, the contest between Tackle Me Elmo and Hoof Hearted. Not much to say here, except that Maurice Jones Drew will score more against the St Louis defense than Bill Clinton could in a North Korea women's prison. Things don't look good for Hoof Hearted!
Hey, do I get a Pulitzer for this? I mean, c'mon, if Obama can get a Nobel Prize for sitting on his butt for 11 days?
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Week 5 Wrap Ups
Nads of Steel XI vs. Aggies
With A-Pete playing against Detroit and Big Ben going against the Lions, you just knew that the Aggies would put up a competitive total and the NoS would need a solid all around game to keep up. Unfortunately, NoS started Jerome "Don't call me Marvin" Harrison and "Whatchu Talkin' Bout" Willis McGahee at RB and they combined for 2.3 fantasy points. On the other hand, former Longhorn RB Ced Benson helped the AGGIES out by becoming the first RB to bust a C-note on the Raven's D in 40 games. I'm just sayin'
Breach Kid vs. Newport Beach Apples
Relocation has worked wonders for the Apples who remained undefeated thanks to a herculean effort by Matt "We're going to take the ball and we're gonna score" Hasselbeck. Welcome back to the big show Matty -- now try and keep that arm from falling off. No-shows for Breach Kid include former NFL leading rusher Chris Johnson who missed out on the Yahoo projection by 13 points.
ballsacks vs. Steel Curtain X
The defending champ ballsacks improves to 3-2 on the season thanks to Sergeant Winslow's 100 yd + 2 TD effort. Good thing too since Desean Jackson noshowed in the same game. Oh yeah, that Andre Johnson guy is pretty good too. Burner Turner tried to make it a contest on the Curtain's behalf but really this was a lost cause for them from the word Go.
BurrestedDevelopment vs. Korn on the Kolb
Big day for BD's Miles Austin negates 'No' Romo on the other side of the ball. That and two zero point contributors on your roster will lead to all sorts of glorious downfalls any day of the week.
Hoof Hearted vs. Capital City Coastals
If you're looking for all the scoring this week, you can stop right here. These two teams combined for 15 touchdowns scored and that effort was led by Rowdy Roddy White for HH and Ahmad Bradshaw for the Coastals. It was a close game going into Monday night football but Ronnie Brown blew up like the Godfather for Hoof. It was nice to see Harrison give up the Preview writing duties even before the game however undeserved it may have been (You never know when Leon Washington is going to show up). But, hey, I guess that Preview money is about as credible as Nobel Peace Prizes these days.
Tackle Me Elmo vs. Minnesota Vicodins
I was called a lucky mofo for playing the Vicodins during Brees' bye week and well, they were right. I knew I was going to have a bad week looking at all the matchups, so all thanks to Minnesota for being true pain killers. I think the 19.72 points this week might be a new all time low too.
With A-Pete playing against Detroit and Big Ben going against the Lions, you just knew that the Aggies would put up a competitive total and the NoS would need a solid all around game to keep up. Unfortunately, NoS started Jerome "Don't call me Marvin" Harrison and "Whatchu Talkin' Bout" Willis McGahee at RB and they combined for 2.3 fantasy points. On the other hand, former Longhorn RB Ced Benson helped the AGGIES out by becoming the first RB to bust a C-note on the Raven's D in 40 games. I'm just sayin'
Breach Kid vs. Newport Beach Apples
Relocation has worked wonders for the Apples who remained undefeated thanks to a herculean effort by Matt "We're going to take the ball and we're gonna score" Hasselbeck. Welcome back to the big show Matty -- now try and keep that arm from falling off. No-shows for Breach Kid include former NFL leading rusher Chris Johnson who missed out on the Yahoo projection by 13 points.
ballsacks vs. Steel Curtain X
The defending champ ballsacks improves to 3-2 on the season thanks to Sergeant Winslow's 100 yd + 2 TD effort. Good thing too since Desean Jackson noshowed in the same game. Oh yeah, that Andre Johnson guy is pretty good too. Burner Turner tried to make it a contest on the Curtain's behalf but really this was a lost cause for them from the word Go.
BurrestedDevelopment vs. Korn on the Kolb
Big day for BD's Miles Austin negates 'No' Romo on the other side of the ball. That and two zero point contributors on your roster will lead to all sorts of glorious downfalls any day of the week.
Hoof Hearted vs. Capital City Coastals
If you're looking for all the scoring this week, you can stop right here. These two teams combined for 15 touchdowns scored and that effort was led by Rowdy Roddy White for HH and Ahmad Bradshaw for the Coastals. It was a close game going into Monday night football but Ronnie Brown blew up like the Godfather for Hoof. It was nice to see Harrison give up the Preview writing duties even before the game however undeserved it may have been (You never know when Leon Washington is going to show up). But, hey, I guess that Preview money is about as credible as Nobel Peace Prizes these days.
Tackle Me Elmo vs. Minnesota Vicodins
I was called a lucky mofo for playing the Vicodins during Brees' bye week and well, they were right. I knew I was going to have a bad week looking at all the matchups, so all thanks to Minnesota for being true pain killers. I think the 19.72 points this week might be a new all time low too.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Week 4 Wrap-Ups
Your Author 68
Preview: RIGHT!
For two big poop-filled rosters this was a very exciting game. Mario Manningham didn’t get penalized for singlehandedly turning an Eli pass into an interception with his terrible hands, Drew Brees decided to let his defense do all the touchdown-ing, and Rashard Mendenhall scored all of his career fantasy points from the bench. On the Coastals Brady to Moss was showing some improvement but now-we-can-call-him-a-bust Darren McFadden screwed up his best scoring opportunity to date against the Houston Texans’ “defense.” Al Harris deciding that adjusting his mouthguard was more important than his job of guarding Bernard Berrian led to the Monday Night TD that sealed this for the Vicodins and their grudgingly-respectable namesake. The most interesting thing about this game is that two players switched sides the next day. Somehow the Vicodins’ crap performance gave them the confidence to mortgage their future for a title run. Then again, Rashard Mendenhall has had exactly one good game. That is about 400 fewer than Randy Moss.
At this time the Vicodins would like to wish Rashard Mendenhall all the best. He should do well behind this line, which by all accounts can protect him from both Big Show and Chris Jericho.
Aggies 80
ballsacks 58
Preview: RIGHT!
The ballsacks went the whole week without having any of their players carry the ball into the end zone. That is not ideal. Technically Sammy Morris toted the rock across the goal line, but that was from the bench so it never happened. Without TDs it is hard to win, especially when the Aggies had three of them from Pierre Thomas, Adrian Peterson, and the remarkably-not-on-waivers Antonio Bryant. Not the most interesting game in the history of the world, but for the first bye week it was pretty typical. Braylon Edwards failed to catch a pass for the first time in his career. That is not super interesting, but it is the second Michigan Wolverine WR specifically singled out for sucking in these wrap-ups.
Nads of Steel XI 86
Breach Kid 70
Preview: Wrong
Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre. The Nads are making an impressive run with a team of old dudes. Favre, LT, TO, McGahee, and Torry freaking Holt on the bench! This team won my league 5 years ago. Breach Kid, despite having the advantage “on paper” didn’t get the insane Chris Johnson game that is apparently required to win. Sure you could point to Le’Ron McClain, who wouldn’t even start himself in a fantasy league, but this was just a bad week for the Breach. The ray of sunshine is Brandon Marshall, who shook off a touch of the crazy (and five Cowboys) to show that he might be the most dangerous guy in the NFL after the catch. I didn’t think that one through, so if you disagree you can just pretend I meant dangerous in the “he is crazy enough that he would kill you just to get out of playing for
Tackle Me Elmo 60
Preview: Wrong
Bowe! Ochocinco! Addai! Rivers! Are you getting nervous, Mercury Morris? The Elmos look strong when they have their real quarterback and MJD hitting on all cylinders. Sadly, fate and the bye week and prevented them from taking advantage of the Apples at their most vulnerable. Joseph Addai outplayed Pierre Garcon in the “these guys suck but not as bad as the Chiefs suck” sweepstakes, and theotherSteveSmith hammered several nails into the coffin of the upset-minded Elmo during the early games. It is too bad that our paltry league winnings won’t go far in the
Korn on the Kolb 95
Hoof Hearted 92
Preview: Wrong
In the world of names mocking untested quarterbacks I prefer Dirty Mark Sanchez, but that is one of the few beefs I have with Jonathan’s entry into the league. The other, of course, being his beatdown of me last week. Winning fantasy teams get big production from three types of players: kickers, tight ends, and receivers-with-hyphens. Kolb used all three to eke out a victory. The resurgence of Steve Slaton’s scoring came in handy as well. Both Texas-based QBs in this matchup were disappointing, an especially painful result for Victor who has made the wrong QB call 3 of 4 weeks. He should probably just pick on of his qbs and drop the other… or better yet, trade him to the Vicodins in time for week 5. Slaton may have scored, but he still looks kinda crappy, so Kolb’s title aspirations could hinge on getting a couple upgrades at the skill positions. Luckily Derrick Mason is on his bench, so getting rid of Donnie Avery is easy. As for Victor, he has been struck down by the curse of not reviewing all the fantasy teams. How am I going to know how many wins DropitlikeyurBraylon and Hoof Hearted will get?
DropItLikeUrBraylon 103
Steel Curtain X 71
Preview: Wrong
Despite an impressive performance by DropItLikeUrBraylon, this was kind of a boring matchup. The Curtain has been unlucky and un-good. Disappointing performances from everyone-not-named-Gates-or-Cutler won’t cut it against the juggernaut that is NFC North teams playing each other. The resurgent Carson Palmer and the reverse curse of HBO’s Hard Knocks has DropIt rolling. Knowshon is a number one option, Forte still sucks but is his team’s the only option, and Kevin Smith is fresh off Zach-and-Miri-induced depression and getting some running room thanks to the best wide receiver in the league and a not-incompetent rookie QB.
Until next week... Straight Cash, Homey.
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