If man is 5, and the devil is 6

damnit, left one preview off.

Curtain v. Bandits

Basically the same team facing off against each other. Good teams, except crappy WRs. which is a problem in the current era of the NFL where you have lots of WRs which would have been early round material earlier in the history of this league.

btw - do any of guys want to do a live draft next year, like we did 6 years ago? cuz that would be cool. we could meet, and, talk about our feelings and stuff.

oh right, the matchup. goes to curtain, and for a lot more points than yahoo says.

alrighty, g'nite everyone, and the main lesson to learn from all this is always buy at least one more Bud Ice than you think you need. that's why fridges exist.

Week 2 previews

Will drinking make Chris funny? We’ll soon find out …

Apples v. Hoof Hearted

Congrats in order for the Commish, who’ll be handing over his manhood next month.

Looks like it’ll be more of the same this week as of his top three players, one’s out, and two others are nicked up heading into this weekend. Having 7 out of 8 games on the road certainly doesn’t help either. Should your not-so humble author tempt fate again with another 7 man lineup this week?

Why is Barack holding an ABA ball? Haven’t seen one of those in years.

Damn, should have bought some more booze.

How much do you have to drink before going on Youtube and blasting old songs from your childhood and stewing in bitterness of how the young whippersnappers these days make crappy music?

Or is it just me…

Playing now…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0RJwW77Lsj8&ob=av2n

So, we’re onto: Korn on the Kolb v. Upstate Underdogs

UPSET OF THE WEEK!!! I’m going with UU on this one? Why? Because I like dogs. And I liked that Underdog cartoon as a kid watching USA “Cartoon Express”. Btw- it’s funny how painfully low budget all those old Hanna-Barbera cartoons were.

And I don’t like Korn. Though I like corn. Burnt With garlic and butter.

Duke Plays Football v. Nads of Steel

I get Robert Meachem confused with Devery Henderson. B/c they both play w/New Orleans. Everyone who picks them hopes they’ll be good, b/c they’re playing on turf with a good QB, and they get light single coverage while the main NO WR (Joe Horn, Colston, Moore, etc.) get covered more tightly. And they never deliver. I’ve been hearing about both so longer I figured they were like ancient, like 32 or something.

Huh – he was born in 1984.

That makes me feel younger and somewhat lessens the constant dread of inevitable mortality I’ve been feeling and trying to chase away with Bud Ice. Which I should have bought more of. See above.

But the point is that DPF should pull the mild upset here. Especially since on top of the Nads health problems on his squad, I’m not sold on Manning or Wells. Particularly Eli. Having a famous dad and brother’s only going to get you so far.

Onward ho to Horn Supremacy v. ballsacks

All sorts of analysis could be done here, but having to start “Andre Roberts” on week 2 morally offends me.

(I wish I could make a smart remark about moral offense, but I’m just not smart or witty enough)

Oedipus Rex Ryan v. capital city coastals

(Mind jumps from Oedipus Rex to “King of Pain” by the Police, to Rex Ryan and wondering if he’s still alive, to capital city and “Suffergette City” by Bowie)

They were many more digressions, but they’ll take too long. (PROUST!!!!!)

Fast-forwarding music wise: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HAusT_Yl1gE&ob=av3e

The Caps, save Roy Williams’ over-the-hill ass, looks better than their projections.

The head says ORR, the heart says CCC. I haven’t drank enough yet to go with the heart, so I’m going with ORR.

(Sigh: only about 6-8 oz. or so, if that, of Bud Ice. Btw – Bud Ice, has a great calorie to booze ratio. Check it out if you don’t believe me)

Week 14 Wrapup Continued

Ballsacks 76, Bama Runts 67

How could I lose to both of these ridiculously pitiful squads?? To Sax, I hope you’ve been practicing your curls as we’re going to tip back a few this weekend.

Week 14 wrapups

Wow, not even one playoff spot on the line going into the last week of the season. That’s a new low for this league. (Other than the sexism, racism, homophobia, public drunkeness, etc)

Nads 102, Steel Curtain 91 (Matchup of the Week)

With absolutely nothing to gain by winning this matchup but a worse draft pick in 2011, somehow the Nads’s squad found inspiration and put up stud like numbers against the league’s highest scoring team. That $10 high score is about to buy me one cheek (or half a lapdance). To my 2010 keeper Favre: RIP.

Hoof Hearted 100, Horn Supremacy 85

What an impressive season for Hoof… Grantville Bandits were the only squad to top this juggernaut. After digging through the fantasy football archives, this is the winningest season on record as no team has ever run the table (don’t even get me started on the Pats in ’07). Vic hasn’t won the regular season since 2001, and like in real life, is a superbowl virgin. To Vic’s cherry: RIP.

Kolb 68, Duke Plays Football 45

Due to the Nads drubbing of the Steel Curtain, DPF snuck in the 3 hole with an embarrassing 45 point performance. (Almost as embarrassing as DPF’s 44 point performance loss to me in week 4.) DPF has got to be seriously depressed after posting both the 2^nd and 3^rd worst weekly totals all season. I suggest he forfeit his playoff spot to the next in line worthy opponent… no? oh well, worth a shot. This matchup will be replayed this week as Kolb had already all but secured the 1^st loser (runnerup) award. To all lawyers in the league that are not named George: screw you, I’m going home

Oedipus Rex 72, Grantville Bandits 65

This was the “SACKO BOWL” of our league. And although ORR put a ‘W’ on the board, the point deficient was just too great. I’ve just FedExed to ORR an exact replica mold of my scrotum to be proudly displayed on your mantle. I also just have to laugh when I see that SF put up 40 points last week, yet Michael Crabtree, the supposed “messiah” coming into this year only managed 1 catch for 1 yard. Good riddens. To the Sacko: 1^st pick overall is overrated (call me)

Crimson Pride 81, Apples 56

Last year’s champ (Apples) rode Michael Vick into the sunset with a hell of a keeper next year. Meanwhile Patric stunningly was too worried about a 25 point buffer to risk starting a 2^nd WR in a meaningless game as they might fumble 13 times. I suspect the commissioner will perform an intensive investigation as to why TB/Arrelious Benn (139 yards) was benched. Or not… To Apples: should have quit when you were on top

Ballsacks 76, Bama Runts 67

How could I lose to both of these ridiculously pitiful squads?? To Sax, I hope you’ve been practicing your curls as we’re going to tip back a few this weekend.

Best of luck to all in the playoffs. Look forward to another 7-7, 5th place finish next year.

Week 13 Previews

Virginia Apples v. Ballsacks

Yahoo! Prediction: Apples by 15

This game could not matter less to the playoff picture - which is pretty amazing considering the Apples own the biggest surprise of this fantasy (or real life) season: Michael Vick. Even before Vick's monster performance against Houston, the Apples were projected to roll. Yahoo doesn't lie here.

ORR v. Horn Supremacy

Yahoo! Prediction: ORR by 6

Surprise, Surprise: we found a game that mattered less than Apples v. Sacks. In a matchup between two teams with a combined 7 wins, it's no surprise that the highest projected scorer is... umm.. Josh Freeman. Having kept Sidney Rice on his roster the entire season, the Horn Supremacy is looking to carry some good tidings into next season, which is all that they're playing for now. ORR wins, but won't cover.

Duke Plays Football v. Grantsville Bandits

Yahoo! Prediction: Duke by 4

These two teams are a mere 3 points apart, but are separated by mirror 8-4 and 4-8 records. With AP's health in question, and Grantsville carrying the MNF trump card with Deion Branch and LDT, look for a rare fortunate turn for the Bandits.

Nads v. Runts

Yahoo! Prediction: Nads by 2

Nads are in an absolute must-win situation - and who would have thought at the beginning of the season that someone's playoff chances will ride on the legs of Peyton Hillis, who has carried the runts the entire season. With Brandon Jacobs running against the Skins, and Hillis continue to churn out one great week after another, the Runts should deliver the death knell to the Nads' season in this contest.

Korn on the Kolb v. Steel Curtain

Yahoo! Prediction: Curtain by 5

Some misguided folks would label this the matchup of the season between the two best teams - they would be wrong - the best team in the league is 11-1, and both of these teams have lost at least 3 games. With Brady working against Rexy on MNF, expect the Curtain to chalk up loss no. 5 of the season, which is quite a few more than the best team in the league.

Hoof Hearted v. Crimson Pride

Yahoo! Prediction: Pride by 3

Next Man Up must be the theme of the season this point forward for Hoof Hearted. Having rode the legs of Frank Gore and Ray Rice to this point of the season, LaGarrett Blount must step up into the void vacated by Gore. Blount's performance last week lacked punch, and if that continues, the Hoofers will have to wait one more week before clinching the regular season title.

Week 12 Wraps

(1) Steel Curtain defeated Grantville -- It looked like this would be a close one until Dwayne Bowe decided it was time to "bowe it up" yet again. I feel bad for any team that runs into what many consider to be the best team in the league. If you put up 99 in this league and lose by 30, that's just tough luck.

(2) Kolb defeated Nads -- Some might argue Kolb is the best team in this league, and a solid argument could be made. Another strong effort, even with A-Hole Rivers not producing much. But it's hard to win a week when your 3 wide receivers earn a total of 5.3 points.

(3) Hoof Hearted defeated Ballsacks -- Now on to the luckiest team in the league. Gore gets injured, but only after he barely gets enough points to eek out a win. If Ballsacks plays Devin Hester instead of a crappy RB, he wins. Hoof has won matchups this season with totals of 73, 82, 79, and 67. He also won this week with the 10th highest score in a 12-team league. Can you tell I'm bitter?

(4) Duke over Horn -- Another remarkably lucky team, Duke kept itself in the top of the playoff hunt with an astounding 77 points. The bad news for the Horn is that it put its optimal team on the field and could only muster 70 points.

(5) Apples over Runts -- Though the Apples are on the outside looking in, they dropped an impressive 107 on the Runts. While the Apples are 4th in points, they still need a lot of help to find their way into the playoffs. For the Runts, time to look ahead to 2012.

(6) Crimson over Oedipus -- The one thing that really sticks out to me from this match-up is that Yahoo somehow projected Keiland Williams to get 17.20 points. Keiland freaking Williams! What? Alas, he only got 2.60 points and Oedipus could not take advantage of a bad night from Peyton.

Week 11 Wraps

A solid week for the playoff contenders as each of Hoof, Nads, Duke, Steel and Korn kept up their winning ways to inch closer to the playoffs.

Steel Curtain vs. Horn Supremacy - The Steel Curtain lived up to their name in the thrashing of the Horns, much like the Aggies did on Thanksgiving.

Duke vs Crimson - Duke was able to pull out a squeaker in a low scoring affair that kept them in the drivers seat for a playoff spot.

Hoof vs Virginia - Hoof clinched the first playoff spot with their victory over the Apples in the closest bout of the day thanks to a huge effort by Greg Jennings.

Nads of Steel vs. Bandits - Nads kept in contention with a strong victory over the Bandits, who every week seem to keep it close every week just to fall short.

Korn vs. Bama - The three-headed monster running attack of MoJo, Arian and The Jax, along with the bombing away of Rivers helped Korn overcome the absence of the top TE in the league.

Oedipus vs ballsacks - In the battle for the cellar, Oedipus put the hurtin on the ballsacks and have inched closer to respectability, now only one game behind the Peloton.

WRAP UPS

JERSEY SHORE EDITION

(1) Kolb defeats Grantville -- Ronnie vs. guy in street. Yeah, the guy he got arrested for beating down. This goes back to season 1 when Ronnie was more fun than just being the subject of a typed note. Any time the team you are playing gets 27 from Fred Jackson, you have no chance of winning. Seriously, 27 from Fred freaking Jackson.

(2) Apples defeat Oedipus -- Sammi vs. J-Woww. For the entire lead up to this, you thoght Oedipus (J-Wooww) had it won. No way Sammi hangs with J-Woww, right? Just like there was no way Vick drops 50 on MNF. Then BAM. Sammi clocks J-Woww out of nowhere and Vicks destroys the Skins. What a gut punch loss.

(3) Ballsacks beat Duke Football -- Pauly D vs. Vinnie. Could they fight? Sure. Would they? Who knows. But if they did, it would certianly come down to the wire like this one. The opening play of MNF may have sealed the deal, but I was not paying close enough attention. Regardless, Pauly D's tats and hair win out by the slightest of margins.

(4) Curtain defeats Pride -- Ronnie vs. other guy in the street. This one is the dude Ronnie knocked out before the cameras could get there. He went right down, bro! It sucks when you could have perhaps had Dwayne Bowe, only he then drops 30 on you in a 20 point loss by KC. Fantasy football can really blow sometimes.

(5) Nads beats Horn -- Snooki vs. Angelina. David Garrard is the Angelina of fantasy football. If you get the most points on your team from him, you deserve to lose. Angelina threw a Hail Mary in calling everyone fake and throwing down with Snooki. It didn't work for her. Garrard's garbage points weren't enough for the Horn either.

(6) Hoof Hearted over Runts -- Situation vs. celebrity of the rest of the cast. Know matter how sucky The Situation might be, he still is the class of the crew and found his way onto DWTS. So even though Hoof is not the top point scorer in the league and yet again only scored thre 6th most points this week, he got it done. It irks me, but facts are facts. In a league where we don't play a defense, Hoof has the best defense in the league.

Week 10 Previews

Oedipus Rex Ryan v. Virginia Apples

Yahoo! Line: Apples by 10

With Mike Vick behind center and their double-Johnson attack through the air, the Apples look to step one step closer to winning out and sniffing a playoff spot. However, the steps will get a lot harder from here on out - it's not everyday that you get to step over an ORR team starting Mike Crabtree, in an NFL game.

Duke Plays Football v. Ballsacks

Yahoo! Line: Duke by 8

Fantasy gets better than real life as Kyle Orton faces off against Jay Cutler in a matchup of 2 QBs who were traded for each other. While a real life matchup would be massively entertaining, especially if it happens in Denver, its fantasy counterpart doesn't quite match up. This pits 2 teams going in opposite directions - and Duke should cruise to an easy win.

Steel Curtain v. Crimson Pride

Yahoo! Line: Crimson by 1

This is an absolute must win game for both squads, who were coming into the game with identical 5-4 records. Will first time starter Mike Goodson bring the goods? Will Felix Jones see a revamped role in the offense with a new coach? Frankly, the most important player in this matchup is Tom Brady, who faces the notoriously tough Pittsburgh defense. His struggles likely dooms the Curtain, bringing back reminders of 2005, when Brady's 3 pt performance in week 15 sank the Curtain in the playoffs.

Nads of Steel v. Horn Supremacy

Yahoo! Line: Horns by 14

The 4-5 Horns are mirroring their real life counterparts in performance. While the real horns are on the receiving end of another whipping, the fantasy horns look poised to notch a win with their season in critical condition. Is Danny Woodhead really eligible at both RB and WR? Is Hakeem Nicks really the most dangerous WR in fantasy? I think the answer to both questions is yes, and I think the Horns will prevail handily.

Korn on the Kolb v. Grantsville Bandits

Yahoo! Line: No Line

Obviously, Tylwalk is too busy covering the Pacquiao-Margarita fight to actually replace his bye-week players. Pending my substitutions, Grantsville will make this one close, but Korn should get by - barely!

Hoof Hearted v. Bama Runts

Yahoo! Line: Runts by 1

If anyone thought Peyton Hillis would be the highest projected scorer for a team in week 10, that person is lying. But - the other Peyton is rumbling over tacklers and lighting up the scoreboard - and so are the Runts. Their line-up of unknowns should pull out the unlikely stunner over the league's best team, by record.

Week 9 Wrapups

Well, I managed to dodge the bullet for the first 8 weeks, but I knew sooner or later the gravy train would come to an end. That’s right, I’m actually contributing to the league message board in order to secure my top scoring bonus. And I use the term “contributing” very loosely…

Steel Curtain 95, Ballsax 74 (Matchup of the Week)

OK, when your starting RBs are Chris Ivory (4^th string) and Donald Brown (2^nd string), you probably wouldn’t think this would lead to victory. Let alone a comfortable one. But if you look closer, Ballsax were actually winning by 5 going into the MNF contest with only T.O. left on the roster for Curtain. I guess T.O. brought the popcorn.

Korn on the Kolb 86, Horn Supremacy 75

Arian ‘bleepin’ Foster? An undrafted (in the NFL) running back from Tennessee who’s #2 in overall fantasy points. And Philip Rivers? #1 in overall fantasy points… Vic may have a 2 game cushion going into Week 10, but I sure wouldn’t want to face Kolb in the playoffs at this point.

Nads 112, Crimson Pride 68

Yes, I am a fantasy genius. But did I think that Javarris James, the 4^th string RB on the Colts, and picked up off FA last minute would score 2 TDs? No. But I also didn’t think the Patriots and Tom Brady (“Pretty”) would crap themselves against the Browns. As Patric started 4 Patriots, this was not a good omen.

Hoof Hearted 80, Oedipus Rex 60

Is it just me or has everyone just been rolling over when Vic is next up on the schedule? C’mon boys, let’s make the regular season champion actually have to break a sweat, shall we? Vic rolls again – ho-hum.

(How much you willing to be that Vic is sporting a pants tent after reading this poster?)

Duke Plays Football 92, Virginia Apples 70
Jay Cutler and Kristin Cavallari are dating? Seems like Jay may have been a little distracted as the Bears barely managed to squeak by the soon-to-be CFL Buffalo Bills. Way to go Jay. Oh and Adrian Peterson put up enough points to crush the Apples hopes of back-to-back championships.

Bama Runts 109, Grantville Bandits 70

Peyton Hillis? A throwaway RB who Denver kept on the bench and who is now the 4^th highest scoring RB? Oh and who is Jacob Tamme? I guess I should probably know since I drafted Dallas Clark, but holy crap this guy looks good after a few games.

Week 9 Previews!

Many thanks to Ronnie Dukes for writing these:

As we are in the 2nd half of the season now,with only 2 games separating 2nd place with 11th place,each weeks games become bigger as the teams plays for playoff positions.

Six interesting games on tap for this week.The only mismatch on paper appears to be Hoof Hearted(7-1) vs. last place Oedipus Rex Ryan(2-6),who lost last week to the lowly Runts!!.ORR is working around a lot of byes but could cause problems if Big Ben stays out of the Cincinnati bars.HH has to much power at RB and will get another win.

Duke Doesn't Play Football(5-3) vs. Virginia Apples (3-5).The Apple could pull the upset over the Dukies with the QB situation with the Dukies(Moore,Romo,Young).Does any of them even play??They can only hope Peterson runs and runs so more!The Apples are looking for Vick and Charles to have a big week.

Interesting game with Steel Curtain(4-4) vs. Ballsacks(3-5) or better said Brady vs. Rodgers.Whichever QB does the best, that team will probably come out with the victory.

The battle of the brothers!!Crimson Pride(5-3) takes on the (3-5) Nads of Steel.The battle of the Manning brothers,Eli and Peyton.I'll go with the older,wiser and better brother so lets take the team in Crimson.The team in Red might be hurt by RB Matthews who seems to get hurt each week.The Nads will look to RB Turner to help but lets still go with the older Manning and the team in Red.

Korn vs. Horn: The 5-3 Korn has been riding the arm of Rivers,the running of Foster and catching of Marshall and Gates.The 4-4 Horn counter with the arm of Freeman,running of Bradshaw and the catching of A. Johnson and Nicks.Got to go with the Korn.

Last game of the week pits the 4-4 Granville vs the terrible 3-5 Runts.Granville looks stonger than their 4-4 record with Brees,the running of Mendenhall,the resurgent LT and Greene.Not much help at WR.Still this should be plenty against the lowly Runts who depends on a running back named Hillis,3 Colts receivers(Wayne,Collie and a nice pickup in TE Tamme).Only problem doesn't have Manning to throw to them stuck with Palmer and Flacco.The Bandits in a rout.

Good luck to al lthe teams this week ,I'm out!!

WrapUps Week 7: Jersey Shore edition

As some of you may know, I left for a 2 week vacation in China and Japan. When I got back in the States, pretty much the first thing I did was fire up my TiVo and watch the two episodes of Jersey Shore that I had missed during my vacation? Why? Well, if you need me to explain why Jersey Shore is awesome, you are probably not an American.

Horn Supremacy 90, Bama Runts 62
This battle of sub-.500 teams was like the Season 2 story line of when Angelina was going to leave the house. I kind of cared about it because, let's be honest, I fall hook, line and sinker for every JS story line, but after her season 1 flameout, Angelina was the least interesting character on this show - and this game was the least interesting matchup in week 7. Aside from the ridiculous Hakeem Nicks, there is not one single player in this matchup worth paying attention to, and not even a starting WR (Mike Thomas) racking up negative points could make this one interesting.

Crimson Pride 78, Grantsville Bandits 56
Heading into MNF, Crimson Pride needed about 4 points from the combination of Steve Smith and Felix Jones to secure a sloppy win in what had been a highly anticipated game between two 4-2 squads. The odds of that happening are about as good as the odds of the Situation finding a trashy girl at Tantra to take home within the first hour at the club. When Steve Smith hauled in the first non-Nicks TD from Manning, this contest, like the girl's dignity, was over and done.

Duke Plays Football 91, Oedipus Rex Ryan 81
The thought of having to write these wrap-ups to earn $10 was apparently so unappetizing to Duke Plays Football that Mark decided to pull Tony Romo with the win secure. I guess Romo's potential season-ending injury was the fantasy football deity's way of punishing Mark for shirking his duties. If Mark watched JS (highly doubtful), he would have known not to do this. The deities punished Pauly D for his lady-chasing ways by getting him that huge clinger at the end of season 1; and just like Pauly D got stuck with some "I love Jewish girls" shirts that he didn't want, Mark now has to deal with a lame QB.

Nads of Steel 91, Virginia Apples 74
Once upon a time, Eli Manning was known solely as Peyton's crappier little brother. Just like Vinny was once known as that other male character in the cast with the outlandish Situation, the hilarious Pauly D, and the unintentional physical comedy of Ronnie. But a ridiculous Super Bowl and some sustained success later, Eli is a fantasy stud in his own right. As for Vinny, porking Snooki and Angelina within a span of two days elevated him from the dorky sidekick to a compelling character in his own right. On MNF, Jason needed a few points from Eli to prevail. In prior years, that may have been worrisome - but not this season. On Monday night, Eli smushed Angelina.

Korn on the Kolb 90, Ballsacks 63
If you look at the two line-ups, this isn't even a fair contest. Ballsacks actually trotted out a WR lineup of Brandon Tate, Devin Hester, and Nate Washington. You might as well trot out Sammi's insecurity against Ron-Ron's manipulativeness. No contest; no excitement.

Hoof Hearted 106, Steel Curtain 85
At the end of season two, both Pauly D and Vinny started to get into serious relationships with girls they met in Miami. As I'm watching it, I'm literally rubbing my eyes and thinking, "is this actually happening?" Oh yes, it is definitely happening. Watching Darren McFadden run this season? Well - it's sort of the same thing. Maybe it's the porous Denver Broncos defense, maybe it's the new commitment to Darren Mac as the feature back - whatever it is, Darren is running around and through people, as Vinny closes out season 2 with a romantic date with someone on about date no. 5.

Week 5 Recaps + Draft/Keeper Review

We are a little more than a third of the way through the season so in addition to the recaps, now is as good as time as any to take a look at the league and see where we are at.

Korn on the Kolb vs. Hoof Hearted

First of all, congratulations to Korn on the Kolb owners Jon Judkowitz on his nuptials this past weekend. Unfortunately, his team gifted him by scoring only 68 of a projected 90 points. Opponent Vic Zhao applied the double bitch-slap by a) not attending the wedding and b) having his fantasy team that a giant deuce all over this matchup. After a minor hiccup last week, the Hoof Hearted train gets back on the track and keeps rolling along.

1/3rd way awards - KOTK
Best Draft Pick - Phillip Rivers - Dude's been chucking the rock all over the place with steady scores to Gates and Floyd. Vincent who?
Best Keeper - Arian Foster - He's slowed down a bit since busting a nut on the Colts in week 1 but Foster has certainly been one of the surprise story lines of this season.
Worst Draft Pick - Devin Aromashadu - All the preseason hype has amounted to nothing
Worst Keeper - Jerome Harrison - After busting out for a crap load of yards at the end of last season, everyone thought he'd have the starter spot locked up. Ruh roh Rhaggy. Enter Peyton Hillis.

1/3rd way awards - HH
Best Draft Pick - Darren McFadden - To-date, this 7th round pick has put up great numbers as he's been the starter while Mike Bush has been out. However, it remains to be seen if he can keep up the production with his injury and Bush's return.
Best Keeper - Miles Austin - The guys just puts up solid number week after week even when discounted.
Worst Draft Pick - I'd like to give this to Marion Barber or Johnny Knox who haven't done much but then I saw the name Matt Leinart. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Worst Keeper - Brent Celek - Good keeper at the 13th spot, but he hasn't done much this season.


Nads of Steel XII vs Oedipus Rex Ryan

Other than Eli Manning and Michael Turner, the rest of the Nads squad decided to mail it in this week against the Mama's boys. Notably absent on the high scorer's club this week was Tight-end Dallas Clark who is usually good for a score or two. For Oedipus Rex Ryan (or as Rex Ryan would actually call it -- "Motherfucking Me"), Lesean McCoy and Stephen Jackson posted double figure scores while the rest of the squad just enough to, as Ryan would say, not fuck it up.

1/3rd way awards - NOS12

Best Draft Pick - Eli Manning in the 6th is pretty darn good looking right now
Best Keeper - Dallas Clark - Yeah so he didn't much this week but he's been lighting it up otherwise and Peyton loves to chuck the rock his way
Worst Draft Pick - Knowshon Moreno - officially used NameChangeExpress.com to change his name to NoShow Moreno (that's what you call a little shameless self promotion)
Worst Keeper - Michael Crabtree - Having a Meh season that he most certainly did not dream in his head.

1/3rd way awards - ORR

Best Draft Pick - Matt Ryan - The kid is good and it's scary to think how much better he could be with some more talent around him.
Best Keeper - Lesean McCoy - 7th round keeper is putting up first round numbers.
Worst Draft Pick - Marques Colston - O brother where art thou? 5 games in and 0 zero touchdowns for the Hofstra product.
Worst Keeper - Vishante Schiancoe - I'm not sure Vishante was worth a 9th round pick. His numbers this year aren't mindblowing.


Steel Curtain XI vs Duke Plays Football?

The Curtain fell this week even though #1 pick CJ2k had a monster day along with good showings by TO and Jason Witten. Dragging down the team was the sucktitude of Dwayne Bowe who last Sunday dropped more balls than clumsy homosexual, not that there's anything wrong with that, other than not scoring fantasy points. DPF had a well-balanced showing this week led by a Tony Romo / Ced Benson combination. Unforunately, they and St. Louis Rams (a team, much like Duke, that plays football, just not well) lost receiver Mark Clayton for the season.

1/3rd way awards - SC11

Best Draft Pick - Chris Johnson - Way to not eff up the first pick in the draft like the dude in my other league who picked Mojo Drew first.
Best Keeper - Mark Sanchez - Yes, he's been shaky some times, but he's been pretty solid this season and now he gets a new play toy in Santonio Holmes for the rest of the season.
Worst Draft Pick - Somewhere over Dwayne Bowe - Get this guy some stickum
Worst Keeper - Beanie Wells - Injuries have plagued Beanie this season and he just hasn't been able to deliver yet.

1/3rd way awards - DPF

Best Draft Pick - Tony Romo - His team's been playing like canine fecal matter, but Tony's been delivering solid
Best Keeper - Ced Benson - Solid when you need some fantasy points, dependable when you need to get your TV back
Worst Draft Pick - Robert Meachem - Finally got on the TD board this week but before that he's been invisible
Worst Keeper - Cadillac Williams - Speaking of invisible.....


The Virginia Apples vs. Grantville Bandits

The defending champs dropped a close one this week which is really sad for many reasons. 1. The Apples QB was Ryan Fitzpatrick 2. Fitzpatrick actually outdueled the reigning super bowl MVP who started for the opponents. 3. Said opponents, the Bandits of Grantville, got a total of 1.6 fantasy points out of its starting WR's and TE. 4. The Bandits also started two platoon running backs from the same team. So you may ask, how in the world did the Apples lose? Well, Bandits RB Matt Forte pulled a Forrest Gump and ran his ass off for a 30-spot. Fantasy Football is rough on you sometimes.

1/3rd way awards - VA

Best Draft Pick - Zach Miller - Top 5 TE this season in the 10th round. Bravo.
Best Keeper - Jeremy Maclin - Putting up big numbers in Philly
Worst Draft Pick - Hines Ward - I understand sticking up for your fellow Asian brotha but dude's getting old. Maybe the return of Ben Rapedhersister will provide some Cialis for his game
Worst Keeper - Steve Smith - so bad that he's not even on the team anymore

1/3rd way awards - GB

Best Draft Pick - Matt Forte - Sophomore slump last season caused many to shy away but Forte's back and is somehow thriving in a Mike Martz offense.
Best Keeper - Rashard Mendenhall - I'm sure everyone remembers the draft day eff up with this guy right? I bet GB is glad it all worked out ok.
Worst Draft Pick - Ryan Grant - Who are Injured Packers for $500, Alex?
Worst Keeper - Shonn Greene - He's got the tools to be a great back but he let a rejuvenated Tomlinson take his carries away

Crimson Pride vs. Bama Runts

I don't even know what to make of the name game here but if I got it right, the dude that went to Mississippi State but cheers for Bama put a beatdown on another team of Bama supporters? WTF? Sounds like incest to me. Looking at the matchups, looks like the Pride was led by Percy Harvin with Double Touchdowns (What does it mean?). "Good" Roy Williams had a surprise day for the Runts but it wasn't enough to climb Crimson mountain.

1/3rd way awards - CP

Best Draft Pick - Peyton Manning - The NFL's Energizer Bunny when it comes to fantasy points. He keeps going and going and going.....
Best Keeper - Vernon Davis - Solid production for a TE at the 12th spot
Worst Draft Pick - Tie - Golden Tate (10th) / Jimmy Clausen (11th) - HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...(deep breath)....HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Worst Keeper - Justin Forsett - Just hasn't been able to put it together up in Seattle

1/3rd way awards - BR

Best Draft Pick - Austin Collie - 12th rounder is putting up monster numbers in fantasy
Best Keeper - Joe Flacco - He was the only keeper
Worst Draft Pick - Brandon Jacobs in the 3rd. Ouch
Worst Keeper - Joe Flacco - He was the only keeper


The Horn Supremacy vs ballsacks

What can I say? Sometimes, you put that pretty nice lineup together, one player is held out at a game time decision, and you still are able to administer a 43-point smack to the crotch with a Shaun Hill led team. Go ahead, let that sink in.

1/3rd way awards - THS

Best Draft Pick - Malcolm Floyd - Putting up big big numbers in Vincent Jackson's absence. Keeper potential
Best Keeper - Hakeem Nicks - TD machine has Eli's confidence in the red zone
Worst Draft Pick - Pierre Thomas - Dude's on again, off again, game time status bullshit's been killing me all season
Worst Keeper - Sidney Rice - Who knows when he's coming back but I'm taking a hit on holding a roster spot based on next years keeper potential

1/3rd way awards - bs

Best Draft Pick - Kyle Orton - Jahvid Best is up there in the running, but good lord, Orton's been on fire.
Best Keeper - Desean Jackson - Gotta give it up to Jackson. Rodgers is a good keeper because he's putting up big points, but with Orton on the roster who needs it.
Worst Draft Pick - Vincent Jackson - Waste of a draft pick
Worst Keeper - Chester Taylor - Matt Forte says hi

Week 5 Previews

Virginia Apples (2-2) v. Grantville Bandits (2-2)

Line: Apples by 8

Prediction: Apples by 5

A pretty even matchup – I’ll go with the team with more home games and fewer players under 30.

Korn on the Kolb (3-1) v. Hoof Hearted (3-1)


Line: HH by 0.04

Prediction: Kolb by 15

Game of the Week. Yahoo gives a slight edge to HH but I’m not buying it. Kolb’s scored 20% more points than HH thus far. Having the #1, 2, and 4 top players in the league helps. While Kolb’s top three are due for a sharp fall, that probably won’t be this week as all three are healthy and have favorable matchups. In addition, MoJo’s going against the worst run D in the league and the other starters are good enough to contribute. As for Vic’s team, it’s got good projections on guys who basically overachieved last year but haven’t done much this year – Austin, Rice, Celek, et. al. I put less weight on last year’s numbers than Yahoo. All in all, this should be an easy win for the Kolb.

Nads of Steel XII (2-2) v. Oedipus Rex Ryan

Line: Nads by 2

Prediction: Nads by 2

Yahoo has very no respect for KC’s D and I agree. While I’d consider giving the edge to George if McCoy was healthy, he isn’t and I won’t.


Steel Curtain (2-2) v. Duke Plays Football?

Line: DPF by 11.5

Prediction: DPF by 15

The Curtain’s ship been taking on a lot of water of lately as Smith is on crutches, Brady lost his best receiver, and Johnson’s been facing 8 man fronts every week. Mark notches win #3 for the season, which sadly enough is three times greater than Duke’s win total. AIRBOURNE!!!

ballsacks (2-2) v. The Horn Supremacy (1-3)

Line: Horn by 5

Prediction: Horn by 10

The banged up Horn squad luck into a matchup with the sacks. Meh to Best’s and Winslow’s projections. Best has 3.5 YPC, has yet to have either 20 carries or 80 yards in a game, and is facing a tough run defense. The projections look too high for both teams but someone’s got to win, and the Horn’s should win by default.

Crimson Pride (2-2) v. Bama Runts (2-2)


Line: Runts by 1

Prediction: Pride by 3

The Runts so far have the best white fantasy football team in the league, with Collie and Hillis putting up numbers not seen since the leather helmet days. While normally this would mean a Blue Devils-level of failure, the Runts have so far managed a .500 record. Injuries to both leave the Runts outmanned against the Pride.

Week 4 Previews (2)

Nads of Steel (1-2) v. Duke Plays Football? (2-1)

Yahoo! Line: Nads by 6.5

When I looked up and saw that Vince Young was starting at QB, I assumed (correctly) that the real starting QB was on a bye. Duke needs a huge game from VY - considering AP is also on a bye this week. For some reason, I have a sneaking suspicion that VY will come through, and Louis Murphy, if healthy, could really exploit the Houston secondary that has been scored on more often than our favorite powerpoint author.

Korn on the Kolb (2-1) v. Oedipus Rex Ryan (1-2)

Yahoo! Line: Korn by 15

Despite drafting a disappointing Mojo to-date, Korn has been on fire this season, much unlike his namesake Kevin Kolb. Nevertheless, Mojo is a threat to break loose any day - and with Arian Foster looking more and more like an elite back every week, Korn should add another W to its belt this week.

Hoof Hearted (3-1) v. Grantsville Bandits (1-2)

Yahoo! Line: Hoof by 4

With Ray Rice being questionable and Miles Austin off, the Hoof is ripe for the picking. And after opening the season with Ryan Grant's tough injury, Grantsville is soaring, along with the stock of Matt Forte, LDT, and the always tough running Rashard Mendenhall. Point this is Grantsville's direction.

Week 4 Previews (1)

Ballsacks (2-1) v. Crimson Tide (1-2)

Yahoo! Line: Crimson Tide by 4

Although sporting a 2-1 record, the Ballsacks' running back situation looks as dicey as the future career prospects of a certain Duke powerpoint author. With Jahvid Best nursing an injury, and Willis McGahee's production depending on the prospects of Ray Rice - the Sacks better hope for a monster day from Aaron Rodgers. But with Ryan Matthews back in the lineup, look for the Tide to pull off a win to even its season.

Apples (1-2) v. Horn Supremacy (1-2)

Yahoo! Line: Apples by 5.5

With Pierre Thomas and Andre Johnson both looking at game-time decisions, the Horn Supremacy's season has taken a turn that mirrors that of its real life counterpart Horns. Although it has gotten out of the gate slower than last season, the Apples are picking up steam after the pickup of Mike Vick, and should continue their roll this week with a sizable win over the Supremacy.

Steel Curtain (2-1) v. Bama Runts (1-2)

Yahoo! Line: Runts by 4

If I told you at the beginning of the season that you would spend your 6th round pick on a guy that would get hurt for the season a day later, and then your projected high scorer in week 4 would be Peyton Hillis, you would probably think you'd be 0-3 and the laughing stock of the league. Good news for Bama is that they're 1-2 and will probably go to 2-2 unless Chris Johnson runs wilder on Broncos did our favorite Duke powerpoint author run on the lacrosse/baseball teams. That probably won't happen

Week 1 Recaps

By: Jonathan

Well I finally did something right in this league and thus, my inaugural post. I have nothing clever or witty to say at this juncture (plus I don’t know how to imbed the wonderful pictures or videos that the rest of y’all do), but I plan to have many more opportunities over the course of the season. On to the recaps:

Steel Curtain XI (89.52) over Grantville Bandits (75.48)
The 11th incarnation of the Steel Curtain roared out to a victory in Week 1 behind #1 overall pick CJ and the well-coifed Mr. Gisele Bundchen. Unfortunately for the Bandits, the search for a RB needs to begin with the loss of Ryan Grant.

The Horn Supremacy (95.58) over Duke Plays Football? (69.48)
When will people learn that even using the name Duke in your team name is recipe for disaster even if it is slighting them? Just as on Saturdays, Duke never put up a fight on the gridiron and the newly-married Horn used a steady dose of Hakeem Nicks to bury Duke.

Crimson Pride (71.92) over Oedipus Rex Ryan (57.26)
This matchup was over the minute Crimson said “I’ll take Kevin Kolb” in the 5th round. I love having a fellow Coog in the League, but even I wouldn’t touch him with a ten foot pole. [Weeps about Donnie Avery’s injury]

Hoof Hearted (86.48) over ballsacks (59.02)
And the only team without a capital letter in their name comes up lame in their first action of the season falling to a team who’s QB completed only three passes in the second half and 107 yards total for the game.

Bama Runts (82.70) over The Virginia Apples (75.64)
A battle of teams with guys named Carson, Greg, Austin, Randy and Zach, which sounds more like a lacrosse match than a football game lead us to the closest battle of the week, the Runts outlasted the Apples despite Yahoo predicting their defeat. I really don’t have anything else to say about this matchup.

Korn on the Kolb (104.82) over Nads of Steel XII (65.12)
And from the closest matchup to the most lopsided, this Jew went into battle with an Arian and came out victorious.

Week 1 Previews: Part 3

Korn on the Kolb v. Nads of Steel

While Jason has been busy trying to everyone and anyone to join something called "Gridiron Challenge" that I'm not even sure what it is, Jonathan has been quietly compiling one of the better teams in the preseason. With late-season pick-up turned super-keeper Arian Foster leading the way, Kolb, without Kolb, should be a stout contender all season long - Jason, meanwhile, will likely be relegated to attempting to demolish his competition in "Gridiron Challenge."

Yahoo! line: Korn by 12.5
Prediction: Korn by 3

Hoof Hearted v. Ballsacks

With more than half his lineup consisting of keepers (because, frankly, kickers don't count), Hoof comes into the season with as much hope as any team. Given his supporting cast, Aaron Rodgers will have to carry much of the load (in addition to the ghosts of Brett Favre) for the Ballsacks. Unless Jahvid Best breaks out in his NFL debut, the Ballsacks will be watching in agony from the public library.

Yahoo! line: Hoof by 10
Prediction: Hoof by 3

Week 1 Previews: Part 2

Duke Plays Football? v. Horn Supremacy

The defending league runner-up (Horns) hopes to repeat his success from last season against one of the worst teams in the league (Duke) last season. Nevertheless, this matchup will not be easy. With Michael Bush sidelined, the Horns open up with 2 platoon RBs in its starting lineup, against a Duke team stacked with talent and headed by the incomparable Adrian Peterson. After some perennial crappiness, it may be about time for Duke to actually shine, and that starts in week 1.

Yahoo! line: Duke by 1

Prediction: Duke by 5

Grantsville Bandits v. Steel Curtain

In a battle of former Chronicle sportswriters, league mainstay Brian Kane faces a stiff test in his week 1 opponent - Nick Tylwalk. With the availability of Beanie Wells still up in the air, Brian's typical brashness may get a comeuppance at the hands of Tylwalk: a true veteran of fantasy football. With a stout running backs corp headlined by keepers Mendenhall and Greene, Tylwalk should start Coastals' post-Harrison era in style.

Yahoo! line: Curtain by 5.5
Prediction: Bandits by 3

Week 1 Previews: Part 1

Virginia Apples v. Bama Runts

League newcomer Ronnie Dukes created quite a splash with his homage to the Minnesota Vikings draft room on draft day. After much consternation, Dukes drafted Montario Hardesty, who promptly blew out his knee a week later - a rude welcome indeed. After some roster twiddling, Dukes heads into week 1 with a fat question mark at running back (Jacobs) and someone named "Austin Collie" in his flex position. More unfortunately, he plays the defending champions; more unfortunately for Ronnie, the injury bug has not yet bitten the relocated Apples. But once Jamaal Charles limps off the field on Monday night, Ronnie will likely appreciate what all of us know already: the Apples are the Anna Kournikova of this league - looks good, but never wins - oh wait, that joke doesn't work any more.

Yahoo! line: Apples by 7
Prediction: Apples by 10

Oedipus Rex Ryan v. Crimson Pride

Patric should take a look around for Chris Hansen of To Catch a Predator fame. While most teams choose experienced running backs to stock the most important position on the field, Patric went with 2 rookies (Spiller, Matthews) and a second year player (Jones). Add Percy Harvin to the mix, and a heart to heart interview with Hansen is probably just around the corner. Peyton Manning is not only the team leader here, he's also the team dad. And he will need to take the kids to McDonalds to bury their sorrow after taking a look on the chin in week one to an Oedipus team led by an emerging Kevin Kolb

Yahoo! line: Crimson by 3

Prediction: Oedipus by 6