Week 11 Previews

are provided below (not week 10 as stated) - happy thanksgiving to all

Week 10 Previews

This week marked the end of an era. The Coastals (Motor City, Happy Valley and most recently Capitol City) are no more. As I look back on Harrison’s 11-year fantasy football career and the contributions he made to this league, I’m reminded of what Champ Kind once said to Ron Burgundy:
“We need you. Hell, I need you. I'm a mess without ya. I miss you so damn much. I miss being with you. I miss being near you! I miss your laugh! I miss - I miss your scent. I miss your musk. When this all gets sorted out, I think you and me should get an apartment together.”
OK, perhaps that went a little too far. But Harrison’s constant spelling errors, number of TE’s on his squad, and overall fearlessness to humble (i.e. ridicule) other fantasy owners was unparalleled. And for that, I salute you.

But the show must go on, so let’s stoke it up.

Matchup of the Week
Hoof Hearted (5-6) vs Burrested Development (5-6)
Fresh off his autocratic and tyrannical rampage as commish, Vic finds himself competing with the team that he’s most likely going to have to slug it out with in order to have a shot at the 4th slot in the playoffs. But Diddy, aka Patric, has lost 5 of his last 6 after starting out hotter than Megan Fox. OK, I’m putting on the swami cap and all I’m getting images of are Megan Fox. What was I talking about again?
Yahoo: Burrested 87-83
NoS: Burrested 104-89

Ballsax (5-6) vs Minnesota Vicodins (8-3)
For those of you who haven’t met Picconi, the Ballsax owner, I present Exhibit A – Ruxin from the FX show “The League”. Educated yet crass. Arrogant yet paranoid. He even looks like the guy for Christ Sake. If you haven’t checked out this show by now, you should be shot.
Yahoo: Ballsax 89-88
NoS: Vicodins 90-81

Nads of Steel (5-6) vs Korn on the Kolb (6-5)
I’m going on a limb here, but there’s no way a rookie in the league can beat a crafty veteran twice in one season, especially when that veteran now has Tom Brady. As a wise man once told me, “'Fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can't get fooled again'”.
Yahoo: KK 91-85
NoS: Nads 83-78

Tackle Me Elmo (8-3) vs Aggies (5-6)
Vacation in India? I like it. Next time I’m in line for top score and don’t feel like writing, you know where I’ll be (wink wink). I find it odd that not only is Pittsburgh starting Big Ben (concussed and at Baltimore), but the Aggies are too with 2 healthy QB’s on the shelf. Aggies, I admire your cajones.
Yahoo: TME 100-85
NoS: Nads 83-78

Steel Curtain (3-8) vs Newport Beach Apples (9-2)
Chris, I just want to say that I’m proud of you son. After years of public humiliation, you’ve finally made it to the top. Joe Cocker and Jennifer Warnes said/sang it best: “Lord lift us up where we belong, where the eagles fly on a mountain high”. Am I the only one thinking about a dreamy Richard Gere in his Navy whites right about now? Damn it.
Yahoo: NBA 90-64
NoS: NBA 95-76

Capital City Coastals (3-8) vs Breach Kid (4-7)

If BK can’t get a win this week vs the ghost writer (Zictor Vhao), then he should call it quits just like “he who shall not be named”. I guess I should be rooting for my own flesh and blood, but how can I not pull for the CCC’s? I’m always a sucker for a good underdog.

Yahoo: BK 97-65

NoS: CCC 62-61

RIP Coastals 1999-2009

Week 10 Wrapups

Amazing, I get the top score one week and I do previews. Next week: top score and I do wrapups. It's a crazy world. Oh, but in case you didn't get the bulletin, apparently it's been backwards the whole year. Until now. Let's set the record straight starting now.

Aggies prevail almost to incredible prediction

I only missed the mark by 4 on this one. Pretty much as predicted, Peterson pulled out enough points to push Aggies over the edge. Pretty sad point performance though.

Pictured below: CapitalCityCoastals

Tackle Me Elmo secures win even with typo

Sorry about that Elmo. Mistyped "Aggies" when I meant "Elmo". Clearly I was talking about Ricky Williams which is on Elmo's team, so, I'm sure ya'll figured it out. Speaking of weeds, double digit game for him. Impressive, but I'm still bitter about it.

Pictured below: Korn on the Kolb

ballsacks succumbs to brutal Wilkinson DP

It must have been written in the stars. Destiny. You knew it was coming sooner or later. ballsacks was just on the brunt end of it. Better luck next time.

Pictured below: ballsack's living quarters

WHA HAPPENED?!?

Disappointment. I thought you had this nailed. The fat lady had even begun singing. But, maybe the cliche should finish "when the fat lady finishes singing on her own terms". Dang. Well, congrats Apples on a come-back win.

Pictured below: Premature celebration for BurrestedDevelopment

Squeaker gets out. Hoof Hearted?

Pun. Good thing we have a decimal system for Hoofs. I didn't quite get my prediction right on this one, but it was a high scoring thriller. Hoof pinched it out for a significant win.

Pictured below: Minnesota Vicodins caught with his pants down

Breach pulls off amazing smackdown for 2nd straight league-topping win

You know I had to play that up. I'm pushing for a playoff spot, and these types of wins don't hurt. Oh, BTW, who was it that tried to poke fun at me for picking up Brandon Marshall? Yeah, that's what I thought.

Pictured below: Steel Curtain X interview

Week 10 Previews

Coastal Aggies

well, well. looks like this game is predicted to be the biggest blowout game of the week. i'd definitely go with adrian peterson any day. prediction: coastals end up like the white-jersey'd girl. Aggies by 17.



Elmo's Korns

Wait, since when is Ricky Williams doing so well now? What the WTF? Well, with that kind of luck, you must be able to pull off some wins. They may not always be pretty, but a win's a win. Aggies by 15.



Nadsacks

Prepare yourself. Prepare yourself for the Wilkinson DP. Prediction, ballsacks assumes roles of adolescent boy in video after a brutal beatdown. Noteworthy role: remote (1:06)



Burrested Apples

Burrested got off to a quick start...so quick, I think that he's got a good chance to finish off Apples quickly. I don't want to say it's over already, but...



Burrested by 12.

Vico-Hearts

With a fantasy stud at QB, I think Vicodins have this nailed down. Just watch out for the after-math, Hoofs. No worries though, you can represent yourself.



Wha happened?!?

Breach Curtain

Pretty boring matchup here. No need to pay close attention, just move along.



[somehow, i fully expect none of you to understand this reference. mehh, oh well.]

Breach by 8

Week 9 Previews (2)

Breach Kid (Nathan) v. Ballsacks (Eric)
Prediction: Breach Kid by 20

Peyton Manning has played 14 career games against the Texans heading into this Sunday - and here are his per game stats: 23.21 for 34.36, 275.64 yards, 2.36 TDs and 0.43 INTs. Those numbers remind me of:

Video games!! With a playoff hungry Texans team waiting for Peyton this week, look for Peyton to continue cutting that meat and cleaning up against a suspect Texans secondary. Nathan hasn't had many weeks to smile this season. But with Manning picking up the Texans like a 10 year-old armed with a John Elway Quarterback flick-stick, things are looking up.

Burrested Development (Patric) v. Nads of Steel (Jason)

Prediction: Burrested Development by 15

With his favorite septugenarian (Favre) off on bye week, Jason reached deep into his old-folks home well and pulled out everyone's favorite nonagenarian, Mike Wallace. Will the 60 minutes anchor be able to fill in adequately for TO? At times this season - that has not been hard. It is refreshing however, that the voice that reminds me that more than half of NFL weekend will soon be over during the second half of the 3 o clock games on Sunday will actually factor into fantasy matchups. Oh wait, it's not that Mike Wallace? Uh oh - I'll have to rethink my picks.

Hoof Hearted (Victor) v. Newport Beach Apples (Chris)
Prediction: Hoof Hearted by 1

With the 72 Dolphins in the rear view mirror, the Apples can lock in on the top seed in the playoffs. Unfortunately, they get a stiff test in the first week post-perfection hangover - a Hoof Hearted squad that has put up over 100 points in four straight weeks. With its top pick Steven Jackson on a bye, Victor needs Santana Moss to play like Randy Moss (the good version) for this week. In a game devoid of any subplots, it's an old fashioned FF slugfest here between two teams in playoff contention. The Hoof will pull out a squeaker in a must-win situation.

Week 9 Previews (1)

Vicodins (George) v. Aggies (Mark)

Prediction: Vicodins by 5

The most important player in this matchup: the team doctors (see unknown doctor on the right sporting a Caesar cut) who will make the calls on the availabilities of Anquan Boldin and Calvin Johnson. Since acquiring Randy Moss in Harrison's first sell-off a few weeks ago, George has been able to put Moss and Megatron on the (fantasy) field together for all of about 5 plays before Megatron went off limping. So far, the past and the future elite WRs are penciled (moused?) in the starting lineup. If they both stay there, the Vicodins could solidify their claim to a playoff spot with a crucial win.

Korn on the Kolb (Jonathan) v. Coastals(Harrison)

Prediction: Kolb by 10

The man below is looking for a jersey:

Presuming he puts on the Coastals' jersey before this weekend, his presence may still not be enough to put the Coastals over the top in what may soon become the most heated rivalry in the league. A rejection of a trade offer of Tom Brady for Mike Sims-Walker apparently triggered a bad childhood memory for Harrison, when little Mikey turned down Harrison's offer of a lunchable for a skittle. Wait, Tom Brady was offered for Mike Sims-Walker? He of 3 touchdowns and 1 booty-call in 2 seasons? Look for Sims-Walker to put up about 1/3 the points of Brady this week - but his teammates to make up the deficit against a team whose owner bowed out of the spelling bee when he spelled his name incorrectly at registration.

Tackle Me Elmo (Jay) v. Steel Curtain (Brian)

Prediction: Elmo by 5
Last Sunday, Jacksonville's vaunted offense began the game with nine straight passing plays - resulting in two 3 and outs and an interception. On play 10, the Jags handed the ball off to MoJo - and 80 yards later, the Jags were in six. Football is a simple game - you play to your strengths, and hide your weaknesses. Jay looks to be doing exactly that here: as he has signed up three former Texas Longhorns, and stashed them neatly on his bench - where they belong.

/w\

This is a smart decision that will pay off in another win for the league's highest scoring team.

Week 8 Wrap-Ups

Minnesota Vico-Giants 80
Newport Beach Patriots 70

Prediction: wrong

What happens when an unstoppable force hits an impenetrable object? Ask Drew Brees, who stayed unbeaten at the expense of the Apples. This wasn't an impressive game for either team, but very significant in the standings as it opens up the field for Hoof Hearted, BurrestedDevelopment, and the powerful Elmos. These three teams might very well make the playoffs, which leaves one spot for the scrappy (aka, bad) KotK, Apples, and Vicodins. Since I'm working in threes, lets go with some fun facts about the winner of this game that also include the number 3:

a) The Vicodins' point total was enough to beat exactly three teams, the aforementioned Korn on the Kolb, the imperfect Apples, and the Firesale-formerly-known-as-the-Coastals.

b) The 3rd place Vicodins have outscored 3 teams on the season. Those teams rank 9th, 11th, and 12th. It is called fantasy defense, people.




Aggies 94
Korn on the Kolb 65

Prediction: Right!

This game had minor MNF drama until it became clear Tony Gonzalez wasn't going to outscore Pierre Thomas by 20+ points. Otherwise an uninspiring game with some interesting good news/bad news scenarios going forward. Good news for the Aggies, Braylon Edwards caught a td pass and Pierre Thomas found the end zone again after shaking off a costly fumble. Bad news, Romo was clicking with his wide receivers, meaning Witten's production might not be as consistent as we'd previously expected. For KotK it was more bad news than good: a strong game from Romo was wasted and Steve Slaton's role in the Texans offense might finally be in jeopardy. After an early Slaton fumble, he was benched for the journeyman Ryan Moats who promptly dropped a franchise record 3 tds, suggesting a timeshare or backup role for the fumble-prone suckfest that is Steve Slaton. Given KotK's propensity for fantasy defense it is premature to count him out, but this was a bad week for the new guy.





Steel Curtain X 84
Everything-Must-Goastals 43

Prediction: Right!

Judging by the records this was a minor upset, but bye week problems for the Coastals made this a foregone conclusion. If the proposed trade goes through you can expect a lot more weeks like this for the once-proud Coastals who've sacrificed any hope of a winning season in relentless pursuit of depth at the Tight End position. Bravo to the Curtain, who may give Breach Kid a run for his money in the consolation bracket.



Breach Kid 97
Burrested Development 88

Prediction: Right! (and it hit the winning score on the nose)

You know what name does not sound like it belongs to a player in the national football league? William Percival Harvin III. And yet, "Percy" has made an impact on his team and on fantasy football. Still, despite the love of his quarterback and the shocking sturdiness of his tiny frame, Percy Harvin has fought for playing time on the one team that matters: BurrestedDevelopment. Sure it is fun to have a guy going on Monday night, but Percy would have made this another shockingly narrow loss for the Breach Kid. Instead, the best 1-6 team in the league became the best 2-6 team in the league. If there was any justice in fantasy football Breach would get to trade spots with the Vicodins in the standings and gear up for the stretch run.


Hoof Hearted 103
Nads-of-Steel XI 94

Prediction: Fantastic and Right!


Roddy White put this game away in the Monday Night Game, but this was a pretty exciting matchup. Anything that makes people hate Brett Favre is a good thing, and the ageless wonder's pounding of his old team made this one close. T.O. finally showed up, which could have made the difference here. Sadly, Owens was on the bench and Tory Holt was in the flex position. The Hoof Hearted express marches on, and the Nads' good effort falls just short.



Tackle Me Elmo 95
Ballsacks 80

Prediction: Right!

The Elmos are in the market for a tight end. It should be easy to find a veteran looking for one last shot at a ring. The loss of Owen Daniels cast a shadow over a good win for the league's best team. Maurice Jones-Drew inexplicably put up almost 17 more points than his real-life team, Barber and Colston also found the end zone, and Thomas Jones hit double digits and reminded Shonn Greene that he has held the job against many a young challenger before, and it won't be easy to dislodge him in New York. If the Elmos can fill the hole at tight end (snicker), they should have no trouble winning their next three games. At that point they'll have a stranglehold on first and will be gearing up for the playoffs. Since Harrison is out of good players to give away, competitive balance shouldn't change much and the Elmo juggernaut will sail to the regular season title.