Week 6 Regrets, Recaps

It is with great regret that I must admit to the league that I made a terrible error in judgment. After securing a victory during the Sunday afternoon games, I checked to ensure that I was comfortably ahead of what I assumed would be the lowest-scoring winners. Alas, I only recently discovered that I had recaps duty. I apologize to my family, my friends, my constituents, and all who I have let down. I now set my work aside to focus on detailed recaps and other tragedies from my past.

Purple Jebus over Crimson Pride 60 - 45

This game defined the week that was in non-fantasy (aka "American") football. Like the Giants, Cowboys, and Redskins, Crimson Pride was established as one of the "elite" teams in the league. Still, a weird week can make paupers into princes and vice-versa. This game featured several enticing matchups for Crimson Pride fans. Favre against the Bengals, Adrian Peterson against the Lions, and Reggie Bush against the Raiders. Fortunately Reggie Bush came through, unfortunately for the Pride, he couldn't push the rest of the team in for the win like he pushed Matt Leinart into the endzone in Notre Dame stadium. Also, he took money illegally from boosters and by rights, Brady Quinn should have a national championship trophy instead of a mini-fridge filled with Myoplex.

















Coastals over Dawn 70 - 62

First of all, congrats to Mark for having a score that could have won some other games. I'm sure when he woke up on Sunday and saw DeAngelo Williams, Tim Hightower, and Deuce McAllister staring him down from across the field, he thought he might have a shot at this one. Sadly for him, Drew Brees is going to be the MVP of the league and he showed it Sunday with a brutal performance that even outscored Mark's kicker... which was actually not easy to do. Sorry Akers, sorry Mark. I feel your pain. Last year I had a great team until I traded Drew Brees, Steven Jackson, and Chad Johnson for Peyton Manning and Ronnie Brown, only to have Brown's knee explode and Drew, Jax, and Ocho-cinco lead the other team to a regular season title. Drew Brees, what a dick.



Nads over Elmos 61 - 49

Hey! It's Braylon Edwards? Remember that guy? From the cover of your fantasy football magazine? Apparently he's still good at football. This is the game that launched a million tortured waiver decisions about whether to pick up Derek Anderson. Was it a total fluke, or is he a marginally pro-bowl caliber qb again? My biggest regret is not checking the score of this game to find out I had to write these wraps. My second biggest is not going to a bar where Michael Phelps was hanging out when I was in Michigan a few years ago. Wait, that isn't a regret at all. I hate that guy.
















Hoof over Curtain Icks 72 - 49

Marvin Harrison shot a guy in Philly, and he also apparently put a bullet in the Steel Curtain this week. Also, it appears Vic prefers a good matchup to a good player, because he started Aaron "I have no throwing shoulder but I can't sit a game out or everyone will know I'm not Brett Favre and take away my Vicodin prescriptions" Rodgers over Peyton "Cut That Meat" Manning. Regret for this game is the time in law school that Professor Barack Obama was teaching a class and I chose not to take it so I could take a class from a visiting professor on Foreign Relations law. That visiting professor: John Yoo. Surprisingly nice guy, and I knew him before he was famous, but he didn't get famous in quite the same way as Obama. More torture-y.



Ballsacks over Apples 89 - 32

I'm not a math guy, but there are 4 possible combinations of two players that Ballsacks could have started to win this game. When the other team can do that, you usually lose the game. If the Sacks had started Thomas Jones and Jamal Lewis and benched everyone else, they would be writing these recaps. Also, they would have our undying respect. Now they get neither, and have to hear about a loosely related tragedy from my past. Once I was a big time NFL running back and I inexplicably decided to buy five kilos of cocaine. Then I went to jail. How crazy is that?



Breach Kid over Lights Out 84 - 75

These guys probably watched the Cowboys game, and if Terrell Owens managed to not be the lowest-scoring representative of his team in this game, Lights Out might have won. Alas, football is fickle and a game of inches and on any given Sunday etc. etc. Whatever, this was a great game with little to criticize. Even Anthony Fasano got into the mix (arguably), and that is good because he went to Notre Dame, and I've sort of lost steam on this recaps. Actually, it happened when I was talking about Michael Phelps. So my personal tragedy or regret is that I totally mailed this one in. Someone please beat me next week, or at least win with fewer points.