Week 14 Wrapup Continued

Ballsacks 76, Bama Runts 67

How could I lose to both of these ridiculously pitiful squads?? To Sax, I hope you’ve been practicing your curls as we’re going to tip back a few this weekend.

Week 14 wrapups

Wow, not even one playoff spot on the line going into the last week of the season. That’s a new low for this league. (Other than the sexism, racism, homophobia, public drunkeness, etc)

Nads 102, Steel Curtain 91 (Matchup of the Week)

With absolutely nothing to gain by winning this matchup but a worse draft pick in 2011, somehow the Nads’s squad found inspiration and put up stud like numbers against the league’s highest scoring team. That $10 high score is about to buy me one cheek (or half a lapdance). To my 2010 keeper Favre: RIP.

Hoof Hearted 100, Horn Supremacy 85

What an impressive season for Hoof… Grantville Bandits were the only squad to top this juggernaut. After digging through the fantasy football archives, this is the winningest season on record as no team has ever run the table (don’t even get me started on the Pats in ’07). Vic hasn’t won the regular season since 2001, and like in real life, is a superbowl virgin. To Vic’s cherry: RIP.

Kolb 68, Duke Plays Football 45

Due to the Nads drubbing of the Steel Curtain, DPF snuck in the 3 hole with an embarrassing 45 point performance. (Almost as embarrassing as DPF’s 44 point performance loss to me in week 4.) DPF has got to be seriously depressed after posting both the 2^nd and 3^rd worst weekly totals all season. I suggest he forfeit his playoff spot to the next in line worthy opponent… no? oh well, worth a shot. This matchup will be replayed this week as Kolb had already all but secured the 1^st loser (runnerup) award. To all lawyers in the league that are not named George: screw you, I’m going home

Oedipus Rex 72, Grantville Bandits 65

This was the “SACKO BOWL” of our league. And although ORR put a ‘W’ on the board, the point deficient was just too great. I’ve just FedExed to ORR an exact replica mold of my scrotum to be proudly displayed on your mantle. I also just have to laugh when I see that SF put up 40 points last week, yet Michael Crabtree, the supposed “messiah” coming into this year only managed 1 catch for 1 yard. Good riddens. To the Sacko: 1^st pick overall is overrated (call me)

Crimson Pride 81, Apples 56

Last year’s champ (Apples) rode Michael Vick into the sunset with a hell of a keeper next year. Meanwhile Patric stunningly was too worried about a 25 point buffer to risk starting a 2^nd WR in a meaningless game as they might fumble 13 times. I suspect the commissioner will perform an intensive investigation as to why TB/Arrelious Benn (139 yards) was benched. Or not… To Apples: should have quit when you were on top

Ballsacks 76, Bama Runts 67

How could I lose to both of these ridiculously pitiful squads?? To Sax, I hope you’ve been practicing your curls as we’re going to tip back a few this weekend.

Best of luck to all in the playoffs. Look forward to another 7-7, 5th place finish next year.

Week 13 Previews

Virginia Apples v. Ballsacks

Yahoo! Prediction: Apples by 15

This game could not matter less to the playoff picture - which is pretty amazing considering the Apples own the biggest surprise of this fantasy (or real life) season: Michael Vick. Even before Vick's monster performance against Houston, the Apples were projected to roll. Yahoo doesn't lie here.

ORR v. Horn Supremacy

Yahoo! Prediction: ORR by 6

Surprise, Surprise: we found a game that mattered less than Apples v. Sacks. In a matchup between two teams with a combined 7 wins, it's no surprise that the highest projected scorer is... umm.. Josh Freeman. Having kept Sidney Rice on his roster the entire season, the Horn Supremacy is looking to carry some good tidings into next season, which is all that they're playing for now. ORR wins, but won't cover.

Duke Plays Football v. Grantsville Bandits

Yahoo! Prediction: Duke by 4

These two teams are a mere 3 points apart, but are separated by mirror 8-4 and 4-8 records. With AP's health in question, and Grantsville carrying the MNF trump card with Deion Branch and LDT, look for a rare fortunate turn for the Bandits.

Nads v. Runts

Yahoo! Prediction: Nads by 2

Nads are in an absolute must-win situation - and who would have thought at the beginning of the season that someone's playoff chances will ride on the legs of Peyton Hillis, who has carried the runts the entire season. With Brandon Jacobs running against the Skins, and Hillis continue to churn out one great week after another, the Runts should deliver the death knell to the Nads' season in this contest.

Korn on the Kolb v. Steel Curtain

Yahoo! Prediction: Curtain by 5

Some misguided folks would label this the matchup of the season between the two best teams - they would be wrong - the best team in the league is 11-1, and both of these teams have lost at least 3 games. With Brady working against Rexy on MNF, expect the Curtain to chalk up loss no. 5 of the season, which is quite a few more than the best team in the league.

Hoof Hearted v. Crimson Pride

Yahoo! Prediction: Pride by 3

Next Man Up must be the theme of the season this point forward for Hoof Hearted. Having rode the legs of Frank Gore and Ray Rice to this point of the season, LaGarrett Blount must step up into the void vacated by Gore. Blount's performance last week lacked punch, and if that continues, the Hoofers will have to wait one more week before clinching the regular season title.

Week 12 Wraps

(1) Steel Curtain defeated Grantville -- It looked like this would be a close one until Dwayne Bowe decided it was time to "bowe it up" yet again. I feel bad for any team that runs into what many consider to be the best team in the league. If you put up 99 in this league and lose by 30, that's just tough luck.

(2) Kolb defeated Nads -- Some might argue Kolb is the best team in this league, and a solid argument could be made. Another strong effort, even with A-Hole Rivers not producing much. But it's hard to win a week when your 3 wide receivers earn a total of 5.3 points.

(3) Hoof Hearted defeated Ballsacks -- Now on to the luckiest team in the league. Gore gets injured, but only after he barely gets enough points to eek out a win. If Ballsacks plays Devin Hester instead of a crappy RB, he wins. Hoof has won matchups this season with totals of 73, 82, 79, and 67. He also won this week with the 10th highest score in a 12-team league. Can you tell I'm bitter?

(4) Duke over Horn -- Another remarkably lucky team, Duke kept itself in the top of the playoff hunt with an astounding 77 points. The bad news for the Horn is that it put its optimal team on the field and could only muster 70 points.

(5) Apples over Runts -- Though the Apples are on the outside looking in, they dropped an impressive 107 on the Runts. While the Apples are 4th in points, they still need a lot of help to find their way into the playoffs. For the Runts, time to look ahead to 2012.

(6) Crimson over Oedipus -- The one thing that really sticks out to me from this match-up is that Yahoo somehow projected Keiland Williams to get 17.20 points. Keiland freaking Williams! What? Alas, he only got 2.60 points and Oedipus could not take advantage of a bad night from Peyton.

Week 11 Wraps

A solid week for the playoff contenders as each of Hoof, Nads, Duke, Steel and Korn kept up their winning ways to inch closer to the playoffs.

Steel Curtain vs. Horn Supremacy - The Steel Curtain lived up to their name in the thrashing of the Horns, much like the Aggies did on Thanksgiving.

Duke vs Crimson - Duke was able to pull out a squeaker in a low scoring affair that kept them in the drivers seat for a playoff spot.

Hoof vs Virginia - Hoof clinched the first playoff spot with their victory over the Apples in the closest bout of the day thanks to a huge effort by Greg Jennings.

Nads of Steel vs. Bandits - Nads kept in contention with a strong victory over the Bandits, who every week seem to keep it close every week just to fall short.

Korn vs. Bama - The three-headed monster running attack of MoJo, Arian and The Jax, along with the bombing away of Rivers helped Korn overcome the absence of the top TE in the league.

Oedipus vs ballsacks - In the battle for the cellar, Oedipus put the hurtin on the ballsacks and have inched closer to respectability, now only one game behind the Peloton.

WRAP UPS

JERSEY SHORE EDITION

(1) Kolb defeats Grantville -- Ronnie vs. guy in street. Yeah, the guy he got arrested for beating down. This goes back to season 1 when Ronnie was more fun than just being the subject of a typed note. Any time the team you are playing gets 27 from Fred Jackson, you have no chance of winning. Seriously, 27 from Fred freaking Jackson.

(2) Apples defeat Oedipus -- Sammi vs. J-Woww. For the entire lead up to this, you thoght Oedipus (J-Wooww) had it won. No way Sammi hangs with J-Woww, right? Just like there was no way Vick drops 50 on MNF. Then BAM. Sammi clocks J-Woww out of nowhere and Vicks destroys the Skins. What a gut punch loss.

(3) Ballsacks beat Duke Football -- Pauly D vs. Vinnie. Could they fight? Sure. Would they? Who knows. But if they did, it would certianly come down to the wire like this one. The opening play of MNF may have sealed the deal, but I was not paying close enough attention. Regardless, Pauly D's tats and hair win out by the slightest of margins.

(4) Curtain defeats Pride -- Ronnie vs. other guy in the street. This one is the dude Ronnie knocked out before the cameras could get there. He went right down, bro! It sucks when you could have perhaps had Dwayne Bowe, only he then drops 30 on you in a 20 point loss by KC. Fantasy football can really blow sometimes.

(5) Nads beats Horn -- Snooki vs. Angelina. David Garrard is the Angelina of fantasy football. If you get the most points on your team from him, you deserve to lose. Angelina threw a Hail Mary in calling everyone fake and throwing down with Snooki. It didn't work for her. Garrard's garbage points weren't enough for the Horn either.

(6) Hoof Hearted over Runts -- Situation vs. celebrity of the rest of the cast. Know matter how sucky The Situation might be, he still is the class of the crew and found his way onto DWTS. So even though Hoof is not the top point scorer in the league and yet again only scored thre 6th most points this week, he got it done. It irks me, but facts are facts. In a league where we don't play a defense, Hoof has the best defense in the league.

Week 10 Previews

Oedipus Rex Ryan v. Virginia Apples

Yahoo! Line: Apples by 10

With Mike Vick behind center and their double-Johnson attack through the air, the Apples look to step one step closer to winning out and sniffing a playoff spot. However, the steps will get a lot harder from here on out - it's not everyday that you get to step over an ORR team starting Mike Crabtree, in an NFL game.

Duke Plays Football v. Ballsacks

Yahoo! Line: Duke by 8

Fantasy gets better than real life as Kyle Orton faces off against Jay Cutler in a matchup of 2 QBs who were traded for each other. While a real life matchup would be massively entertaining, especially if it happens in Denver, its fantasy counterpart doesn't quite match up. This pits 2 teams going in opposite directions - and Duke should cruise to an easy win.

Steel Curtain v. Crimson Pride

Yahoo! Line: Crimson by 1

This is an absolute must win game for both squads, who were coming into the game with identical 5-4 records. Will first time starter Mike Goodson bring the goods? Will Felix Jones see a revamped role in the offense with a new coach? Frankly, the most important player in this matchup is Tom Brady, who faces the notoriously tough Pittsburgh defense. His struggles likely dooms the Curtain, bringing back reminders of 2005, when Brady's 3 pt performance in week 15 sank the Curtain in the playoffs.

Nads of Steel v. Horn Supremacy

Yahoo! Line: Horns by 14

The 4-5 Horns are mirroring their real life counterparts in performance. While the real horns are on the receiving end of another whipping, the fantasy horns look poised to notch a win with their season in critical condition. Is Danny Woodhead really eligible at both RB and WR? Is Hakeem Nicks really the most dangerous WR in fantasy? I think the answer to both questions is yes, and I think the Horns will prevail handily.

Korn on the Kolb v. Grantsville Bandits

Yahoo! Line: No Line

Obviously, Tylwalk is too busy covering the Pacquiao-Margarita fight to actually replace his bye-week players. Pending my substitutions, Grantsville will make this one close, but Korn should get by - barely!

Hoof Hearted v. Bama Runts

Yahoo! Line: Runts by 1

If anyone thought Peyton Hillis would be the highest projected scorer for a team in week 10, that person is lying. But - the other Peyton is rumbling over tacklers and lighting up the scoreboard - and so are the Runts. Their line-up of unknowns should pull out the unlikely stunner over the league's best team, by record.