2009 Draft Review: Korn on the Kolb

Jonathan surprised absolutely no one when he picked up fellow UH grad Donnie Avery in the middle of the draft, which set the tone for his entire draft - taking absolutely zero gambles in the first seven rounds of the draft. With perpetual drunk Kyle Orton as his number 2QB, Korn on the Kolb will need a tremendous season from the former beau of Jessica Simpson. Though the split from Simpson points to a good season, losing TO may offset any good karma from dropping Jessica. Judging by the latest tabloid, it didn't take Tony long to accept Beyonce's advice to upgrade; and former Jonathan's team to make any noice this season, they'll need to do the same.

Key Player: Tony Romo

Projected Record: 6-8 record

Potential Keeper: Eddie Royal (Round 6)

2009 Draft Review: Breach Kid

Nathan must be feeling a little Vegas in him - as he certainly rolled his dice in rounds 3 and 4, picking up the highly-volatile Brandon Marshall and off the scrap heap Willie Parker. Although Marshall's reinstatement and Parker's solidification as Pittsburgh's top back is certainly good news for Breach Kid fans, the roller coaster certainly won't end there for that duo. I'm not sure this team has what it takes, but you can never count out any team with Peyton at the helm and the uber-talented Marshall itching to explode any given week.

Key Player: Brandon Marshall

Projected Record: 7-9 wins

Potential Keeper: Vincent Jackson (round 5)

2009 Draft Review: Minnesota Vicodins

While George gets the award for the most creative name (and sticking with it throughout Mr. Vicodin's contemplative changes of minds), he falls far short of getting any accolades for his actual drafting. Whether it was spending a 4th round pick on a 3rd string RB from Tampa Bay, or following that up with boom or bust Bernard Berrian when guys like Eddie Royal, DeSean Jackson and Chad Ochocinco were still on the board - George looked like he was drafting a keeper team. No matter how you shake it, starting the season with Jonathan Stewart as your RB2 and Donald Brown as your flex does not spell winner. While drafting Brown and Mendenhall may pay off in a few years, I'm not sure George struck the right balance here.

Key Player: Donald Brown

Projected Record: 4 to 6 wins

Potential Keeper: Rashard Mendenhall (round 8)

2009 Draft Review: Ballsacks

Who knew that an owner who needed to rent a terminal at the library to complete his first few drafts could come so far. From having to inform his fellow owners that he needed to go outside to put more quarters in the parking meter, Eric has matured into an owner who is dropping snide commentary in the email thread, and putting together well-rounded drafts that has the looks of winner. From drafting up and coming receivers like DeSean Jackson (shown here in the most infamous fantasy moment from last season), to handcuffing Marshawn Lynch with Fred Jackson. About the only thing that he didn't do right was handcuffing Brandon Jacobs with Ahmad Bradshaw, choosing instead to go with Sarge, when comparable TEs were surely available later. And the fact that he apparently fell asleep in rounds 11-13, and apparently woke up just in time to draft a decent kicker.

Key Player: DeSean Jackson

Projected Record: 8-10 wins

Potential Keeper: Felix Jones

2009 Draft Review: Capital City Coastals

Everyone's favorite team cast his die entirely with the New England Patriots, and the knee of Tom Brady (shown here with his baby momma Bridget Moynahan), by selecting Brady and Moss with his first two picks. As usual, Harrison rounded out his pick with players touted by the consensus of fantasy football rating services, proving that the time supposedly spent working on his dissertation did not go to waste.

If fantasy freaks' darlings McFadden, Henry, Washington and Celek kick their games up a notch as expected, this league may be in for one of those dreaded good Harrison season where the trash talk will surely spew forth with great ferocity. Of course, pundits are often wrong; and who are we kidding here, the success of the team depends on the return of America's favorite father out of wedlock.

Key Player: Tom Brady

Predicted Record: 8-10 wins

Potential Keeper: Leon Washington

2009 Draft Review: Newport Beach Apples

If Chris had read the new rules carefully enough, perhaps he would have picked on the fact that this league does not have 5 starting spots for wide receivers. How else to explain Chris's selection of 6 receivers in 9 picks in the middle of the draft. While many openly questioned Al Davis's choice of Darrius Heyward-Bey over Michael Crabtree, Chris would face no such critics, as he picked up both in a transparent keeper play.

If, however, Chris's hope is to contend this season, he must get superb production from Philip Rivers and hope that Joseph Addai holds off up-and-comer Donald Brown in Indianapolis. Unfortunately, I don't see both happening.

Key Player: Philip Rivers

Projected Record: 5-7 wins

Potential Keeper: Michael Crabtree (Round 10)

2009 Draft Review: Nads of Steel XI

Someone please tell Jason that this is 2009, not 2006. Indeed, the names on Nads' draft list would have formed a spectacular team a few years ago: Tomlinson, Portis, Owens, Wayne, Holt, McGahee, etc. Unfortunately for Nads, this is 2009, and all of the above (with the exception of Wayne) are on the downward slope of their career.

In the end, too many things have to break the right way for Jason to contend this season. He will need, at the very least, TO to be productive in Buffalo, LT to rediscover his form in San Diego, abd Portis to produce in a more limited role. Will all of these things happen? Maybe, but I'm not counting on it.

Key Player: Terrell Owens

Predicted Record: 4-6 wins

Potential Keeper: Ted Ginn Jr (round 10)

2009 Draft Review: Steel Curtain X

Although fates smiled upon Brian when Michael Turner fell to him at no. 3, Brian failed to take full advantage. He waited until round 4 to take his next RB - the oft-injured and underproductive Reggie Bush when Larry Johnson and Knowshon Moreno were still available. He then waited until round 7 to take Beanie Wells (shown leaving some UT defenders in the dust above), hoping he will one day overtake Tim Hightower. Nevertheless, even if Wells gets the carries, he will still be facing NFL defenses, rather than the UT cream puff shown in the picture.

Though the Curtain is filled with potential keepers, it is rather light on production this season. But, if all the question marks on the roster (Wells, Cutler, Hester) are answered affirmatively, the Steel Curtain could contend - but I don't see it.

Key Player: Chris Wells
Predicted Record: 5 to 7 wins
Potential Keeper: Chris Wells

2009 Draft Review: Tackle Me Elmo

Tackle Me Elmo gave everyone the first mild surprise of the draft, selecting MoJo over the Falcons' workhorse back Michael Turner, who most had projected at no. 2. The bowling ball from Jacksonville will be carrying the load for the 1st time in his career without Fred Taylor (and his groin) - and his ability to maintain his effectiveness and stay injury-free will be the key to Tackle Me Elmo's season.

Roy Williams is a high risk/reward selection. Although I'm not entirely sold on the Cowboys' offense this season, Jay apparently is, nabbing both Williams and Barber. But TME's biggest worry is the lack of RB depth behind MoJo, as both Barber and Thomas Jones are rumored to have lightened loads this season.

Key Player: Maurice Jones-Drew

Predicted Record: 5 to 7 wins

Potential Keeper: Darren Sproles (round 8)

2009 Draft Review: Aggies

The hit or miss owner of the Aggies (one wire to wire championship thanks to LT; two horrendous seasons) hit the draft lottery. Hitting the lottery, however, hasn't meant much in the last few seasons (Tomlinson in 07 and 08, Clinton Portis in 06, etc.)

Mark rolled the dice twice in his draft: 1st by nabbing Pierre Thomas, a rise in most mocks, in the second round, and then by waiting until the 8th round to nab his 1st QB, a Plaxico-less Eli Manning. If Thomas's MCL injury isn't serious and Mark can find some consistency from the Big Ben/Eli/Cassel trio, the Aggies could be a top contender. I, however, am not a huge fan of any of the Aggies' QBs, which could prove to be their downfall in a QB-heavy league.

Key Player: Pierre Thomas

Predicted Record: 6 to 8 wins

Potential Keeper: Jamaal Charles (round 11)

Draft Analysis: Team Grades

Grades- just like any good Duke (right) grading curve no matter how bad you drafted no one gets lower than a C.

Tackle Me Elmo: Drafting LT automatically gets 7 wins in a season. Drafting the way the Elmo did in rounds 2-14 keeps it there. Grade: B

Crimson Pride: Adrian Peterson aside, this teams starters are basically a compilation of average fantasy football players- no obvious dogs, but no one that will really go off- sadly in this league that puts you in the top 20 percentile. Grade B+

HappyvalleyCoastals: I hate to throw the term “perfect draft” around loosely but in this case its warranted. Sure you can look at the number two ranked QB, the number 3 ranked RB and 3 top 15 WRs and say to yourself “ my what a really strong draft” but what really had people double checking their draft sheets was picking up chris perry 4 days before it was even announced Rudi Johnson was going to be cut. Grade: A+

SteelCurtain: Brady is Brady, nuff said and with carnell Williams out on IR earnest graham becomes the man in Tampa, throw in a couple strong WR and you got yourself a pretty good little team. Grade A

Bigapples: there are a few rules that I have found to always hold true in life: 1) buy low, sell high, 2) When your ready to quit your usually closer than you think, 3) It's only gay if there's eye contact, and 4) chris will draft running backs for 4 out of his five first picks. Grade: B

Savemepurplejebus- fantasy experts keep preaching that Steven Jackson’s groin is fully recovered and he will return to his ff god-like form- what form is that- hes had one good year in the NFL but every year people expect him to be Hershel Walker. Let me tell you a little story, my cousin used to be a math whiz until he fell out of a pickup truck when he was 12 and hit his head on the curb. He couldn't count his fingers after that. Did they let him into MIT anyway? No. No, they did not. End of story. Grade: B

Nadsofsteel: Ive cut Jason a little slack in the grading here since it was obvious he was more concerned with the fact he was not drafting from New Orleans than actually fielding a competitive team. Grade C+

Breach kid: If Nathan was Jason’s son and not his brother I would have said that the apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree- although in New Hampshire ive heard of some family trees branching in instead of out so my quote could still be apt. Grade: B-

Lightsout- you can tell a lot about a culture by their language. For example the Eskimos have 17 different words for the term snow. From Edwardo’s draft it can be seem that in Spanish there is no literal translation for ‘starting running back’. Grade: C

Ballsacks- if you get one of those green Styrofoam trays that grocery stores use to sell produce, and you cut a hole in the bottom, and put your testicles through the hole, and you walk around in the produce section going up to housewives asking "can you tell if these things are ripe?" you'll eventually get asked to leave the store. Grade C- (although owen daniels could have bumped this up to a C)

Dawnofanewday- I don’t know why but I like this team. At review 11 out of 12 we’ll leave it at that. Grade: A-

HoofHearted: At first this looked like a pretty solid draft but this weekend when I was checking out some teams from other leagues I notice a striking resemblance between this team and the one drafted by Adam Schimmel. Grade: B+/2

2008 Draft Analysis

The Draft Review Returns courtesy of our fearless commissioner - The Coastals (right)


Round 1
Steal: Clinton Portis (DawnofaNewDay) - its hard to get much of a steal or reach in the first round but as of late August I believe Clinton Portis went 3-5 picks later than he should have.

Reach: Jamal Lewis (ballsacks) - Scratch that last statement- the ballsacks should be grateful that there was no round zero saving him from taking this guy any earlier than he actually did.

Round 2
Steal: Drew Brees (happyvalleycoastals) - a lock for 35+ tds and 4000 yards. Look for Brees to surpass manning and Romo and become the number 2 fantasy QB by year end

Reach: Drew Brees (happyvalleycoastals) - probably could have taken this guy a round and half later than he did.

Round 3
Steal: Andre Johnson (TacklemeElmo) - not really a steal as you couldn’t have taken this guy any earlier than 3.01 but a good pick none the less

Reach: Willie Parker (nads of steel) - this aint your parents steelers.

Round 4
Steal: Brandon Marshall (Steel Curtain) - I'd me more worried about a NFL player without an arrest record- whats a guy like that up to?

Reach: Ricky Williams (Breach Kid) - you’ve smoked yourself retarded if your picking up ricky Williams in the forth

Mid Rounds (5-9)
Steal: Marvin Harrison (HoofHearted)

Reach: Rudi Johnson (lights out) best case scenario this guy becomes the back up Detroit running back.

Late Rounds (10-14)
Steal: Morris Morris (Bigapples) - the intangibles this guy brings to any fantasy team is worth a roster slot at any point in the draft

Reach: Limas Sweed (Crimson Pride) - the fact this guy stayed on the Prides roster as long as he did was the biggest surprise.